Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4 ESV)
I am feeling the weighty truth of this passage today.Thankfully, I am not battling a terminal illness (aside from this body of death), thankfully my marriage is healthy and vibrant and I am not facing a circumstantial disaster. No, I am not facing any of these, but oftentimes trials can come straight from the battlefeild of the mind, and that is exactly where mine has been over these past few days.
God has been working in a mighty way in my walk with Him. I have experienced an immense season of growth. It's been painfully beautiful and rewarding. It's been a very sweet time with my Lord. True to form, satan usually plans an attack right on the heels of a spiritual growth spurt and this week has been no exception. I have struggled over the past three days with my attitude, feelings of being overwhelmed, frustrations and just over all blah. At first I thought this was a result of me planning a Pinterest style birthday party for Halle coupled with starting a diet (that right there is enough to push anyone over the edge) but as I have prayed and sought The Lord on the how and why I went from sweet spot to funky town, I don't at all think it has to do with my circumstances or schedule and everything to do with distractions and chasing false identity.
During this season of growth, The Lord has been ripping out false identities from my heart and firmly planting the truth of who He says that I am. I have never felt more firm and free. He has used so many different scenarios to do this, one being the move here to Dallas. I love living here. I can't say enough how thankful I am and how nice it is. It is, however a snake pit of spandex and educated luxury. I don't hate spandex. I don't hate education or luxury, I just don't identify with it, yet my flesh and the enemy is constantly telling me that if I don't, I'm less than. Lie. Lie. Lie.
Ok so first there is the spandex. What I mean by this is a lot of women in this area are perfectly toned, organic organisms and it's easy for my flesh to see these women and covet what that they have. I find myself thinking "I need to get myself in gear". As if, once I attained the status of "O toned one" I would feel fulfilled. The truth is I am completed fulfilled in Jesus and there is nothing lacking. Any workout or eating discipline that I submit to must only be under His Lordship and for His glory, otherwise it is idolatry and vanity. He is my all. He is my Lord.
Second, there is the education thing. Well let's just be honest, I'm no scholar (I know shocker right? All I have to do is open my mouth for this to be evident) I didn't earn extra letters to follow my name, but that is not a mark against my identity. The only letters that matter are the ones tattooed on my forehead, that proclaim that I am set apart and sealed, belonging to The Lord God almighty. Any knowledge that I pursue, must be under His Lordship, for his glory, in pursuit of knowing Him more deeply and sharing the gospel with others, otherwise it's meaningless.
Third, luxury, oh luxury. We have a love-hate relationship. I hate it because I see the emptiness to it and the trap that so many (including myself) easily fall into. It's not a sin to have nice things but sometimes I really think it would be less challenging if I had less. There is a constant heart check that has to take place, examining if my motives are God glorifying or self-glorifying. If I am giving enough, open hearted and open handed. There is so much temptation here to get carried away in spending. Lord let that not be so for our family!! There is so much excess and I am often a guilty partaker. But praise God for conviction! I am convinced this is an area that He is currently transforming in the hearts of our family. Case and point: our trips to target have been lived out to the soundtrack of "no's" instead of "yes'". Praise God for that, but we still have a long way to go!
All this to say over the past few days of new eating plans and Pinterest overload, I found my eyes shift from the beautiful face of my Jesus, to the crazy beckoning me by name. Every time I plan one of these parties, I beg Luke to never let me do it again. I love them, but they totally stress me out. It's a flipping four-year old birthday for crying out loud! Why am I anxious about this?!? I refuse to do this anymore. Sorry kids, from now on it's our little family at chuck e cheese and some presents. Pinterest, you're fired. And as for the whole diet thing (I hesitate to call it the D word), ahem "new eating plan" that's great. I'm a pretty healthy eater that just got a little jiggy with the late night sweets, trying to reign it in a little. Awesome. But allow me to make this statement after the past 5 days: breads/grains are a vital component of my diet and should not be abstained from unless by strong direction from The Lord. It is in the best interest of our entire family if someone tosses momma a cracker every now and then. Paleo shmaleo ... Jesus ate bread and so should I.
Thank God for this sanctifying reminder that Jesus is always better. He is the only thing that fulfills me and the only one who allows me to walk this crazy life in peace. Anytime this adulterous heart should try to chase after any identity other than "daughter of the Most High", may he always remind me, no matter how painful, because he really is all I love and want.
