Proverbs 16:33 The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord.
Today many Americans will exercise one of the freedoms that many men have fought and died for, the right to vote in our Democracy. This is such a blessing, but along with this comes much fear, anxiety and anger for many people. What if my candidate doesn't get elected? Hatred towards the opposing party.. etc. etc. The bottom line is as believers, we are no longer citizens of this place. Our allegiance to the U.S. should never override our allegiance to God the Father. When fear and hatred start to creep in we need to turn the news off and examine our hearts as to who our allegiance is to. Scripture says that we are citizens with the saints and members of the household of God (Eph 2:19). Don't get me wrong, I'm a patriotic person, I love my country.. just not as much as my Jesus. We must understand that we are no longer a part of this world so no matter what the outcome is, our Father is in control, our KING is forever on the throne and he is well aware of what is taking place. He is sovereign over who wins this Presidency. My prayer is not "Lord, let my candidate win" but "Lord, let whatever needs to take place for your Kingdom to come to take place. Not my will but yours be done.". I do not wish to see our country perish or become a socialist country, however if that is a part of His plan in order for his Kingdom to come.. bring it on! Whether I wake in the morning with this country under new leadership, or under the same leadership (hopefully not) regardless my King is on the throne and I will walk boldly in faith and trust knowing that He has placed who HE wants in office for HIS plan to be fulfilled. Pray, vote and trust. Come Lord Jesus come!
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Saturday, August 11, 2012
EZRA's BIRTH STORY birth plan - no plan - His plan
August 7, 2012 our little Ezra said goodbye to my womb and hello to this world. I cannot even begin to express the joy and thankfulness that I feel in my heart. This has been such a unique pregnancy and his birth was no different!
Throughout this pregnancy I had specific things that I prayed for every day. I prayed that Ezra would be perfectly healthy and strong (with no colic, acid reflux or gas problems, been there done that). That he would have a heart of peace and a heart that burned with passion for the Lord. I prayed that he would be head down and face down with no cord issues or complications of any kind. That I could deliver vaginally and without any medication. That I would recover quickly and would not rip or tear (a little TMI, I know, but it's what I prayed!). I also prayed that I would go into labor naturally and that through the natural birth experience God would receive glory. Always ending with "Not my will but yours be done". My prayers were not in such a list form but more of a daily outpouring of my heart's desire in complete submission to His will. So here is how things went...
First of all, Elijah and Halle's deliveries were both induced and both with epidurals. So let me begin by saying I'm not a hard core natural birth hippie who looks down on others if they don't choose this route. My personal belief is that it is a personal decision and no one should look down or judge someone for something so silly. When I became pregnant with Ezra, I started to have the desire to go the natural route. So I began to pray about it and asked the Lord if he willed, to give me the strength and ability to experience it. I am very analytical by nature, but especially of my own feelings and desires. I asked myself "why?". Why do I want to do this? I had many reasons why and some I shared with others as they looked at me like I had 4 heads and some I didn't but I will lay them all out now. When I had my other two epidurals, I was unaware that the medicine crossed the placenta and went to the baby. Granted this is safe, obviously, but now knowing this, I had a hard time with it. This is coming from a woman who has to lose a limb before I take a Tylenol or anything that is considered safe during pregnancy. That's just how I am. I don't like taking medicine and I don't like not being in control of my body. I also hate being poked on and hooked up like a power strip. Another reason is I was very aware that this could be my last pregnancy and after talking to other women who did it naturally, I wanted to really experience the whole thing. When I would share with others that I may do it natural, some would tell me how crazy I am, how they didn't think I could do it and made other comments like that. Although I may not be a sensitive person when it comes to other people's opinions, I am an extremely passionate person about my belief that I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength. I knew with all of me that if He placed that desire in my heart then He would give me everything I needed to do it. So in my mind I would always say "Hide and watch!". I had to be very careful though, that my desire was not to prove myself, but for God to prove Himself through me. When God knitted me together, he placed something deep within me that loves a challenge. He has given me one life and at that end I don't want it to be said of me "She always took the easy way out". As I said before, this is not for Melissa's glory but for His namesake. His power is put on display when I am faced with challenges that He gives me the courage and strength to not back down from. I know this may seem totally crazy but as I said before it is a personal conviction. Lastly, I have always heard that childbirth is one of the most painful things women can experience. My other two deliveries were cake walks. I wanted to experience that pain and then at the end, have a deeper understanding and appreciation of what kind of pain my Jesus endured for me. Because compared to what He experienced, natural childbirth is nothing. (Now for the disclaimer: I do not condone people hurting themselves intentionally in search for love and appreciation for the cross that's something only God can give. It's a unique situation and a thought I had lol)
As I said previously, one of my prayers was that I would go into labor naturally. One of the reasons for this is in case you don't know, when you get induced with pitocin you are pretty much guaranteed to get an epidural. The reason is that the contractions are so much more intense, one can hardly stand it. For this reason, I had said the whole time that if I had to be induced I would most probably be getting an epidural. Well the days rolled on and still no baby. I would sit every afternoon in my rocker begging God to please just let me go into labor. I had contractions for three weeks that were not making any progress to my cervix. I was beginning to have thoughts that maybe it wasn't the Lord's will for me to have this experience, but I knew whatever the outcome I trusted Him and trusted that He had a reason. So my due date came and went and still no baby. I was huge, moody and trying my best to be patient and trust the Lord. Finally, after praying Luke and I decided that if I had not gone into labor on my own by Tuesday August 7, then that's the day I would go in to be induced. We both felt that this was the right decision. I went to the doctor that Monday and my cervix was dilated to a 3 and I was about 50% effaced. That was great news to us because before that I was stuck at a 1cm and no effacement. We praised the Lord for that news!
We spent Monday night with Granny and Papaw before we headed to the hospital at 5:00 am the next morning. I did not get much sleep from excitement. The last thing I remember before I took my 'nap' that night was talking to the Lord and reflecting over the past 10 months of this pregnancy. How throughout all of the different situations that came up He kept my mind in perfect peace. Isaiah 26:3 says "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. This scripture carried me through all the unusual findings on the ultrasounds and all of the what ifs that ran through my head. God is good, God is faithful and I am His.
August 7, 2012 we arrive at the hospital. The whole ride there I tried to decipher through thoughts, nerves and excitement. "How is this thing going to go down? " "Lord, please let my body respond and do what it is suppose to." Just a few of the things racing through my head. Altogether I had an overwhelming feeling of uncertainty. I am such a planner and enjoy knowing what to "expect" but I totally had no idea. I assumed I would be getting an epidural but there was still an ounce of hope that I wouldn't have to.
After two hours of paperwork and questions I get all hooked up and my pitocin starts at 7:00 am. Here we go. It's go time. Shortly after Dr. Tynes comes in and breaks my water. She informs me that the reason I would not go into labor on my own is because there was so much amniotic fluid. As she broke my water she had to guide his head down into my pelvis. Praise the Lord for that unanswered prayer otherwise Mr. Wiggle worm could very possibly flipped and been breech!
A little time passes and I can feel my contractions begin to strengthen. My nurse Janice comes in and we begin talking. I told her that I originally wanted to go all natural but since I am having to be induced I assumed I would be getting an epidural. She encourages me and tells me that I can just take it one contraction at a time and see how it goes. No pressure either way. I looked over at Luke and I said "sounds good" and from that moment on that's just what we did. My birth plan became "no plan" and I was just gonna roll with it. She then increased my pitocin a little in order to get my contractions closer together.
About an hour later, my contractions are hurting pretty good, but I am breathing and humming through them. Janice checks me and I am 6 cm dilated and 75% effaced. I was making excellent progress (glory to God!). Luke asks her "At this point in labor, how are most women responding to the pain of contractions?" She said that at this stage most women are 'very ready' for an epidural and that I was doing wonderful to be at this stage. (This is the moment he says that he knew I was going to do it) He looks at me and says "Babe, you got this. If anyone can it's you." I said "I think you may think I'm stronger than I actually am lol.." He said "No, I know you, it's your decision but I know the strength the Lord has given you and there is no doubt you can do this." I said we will just see, I'm taking it one step at a time.
The contractions became pretty painful. My precious husband placed his hand on my knee with every contraction and would breathe with me. At one point he started humming and I barely opened my eyes and told him to stop it because he was making me laugh. Regardless of how much I'm hurting that man can always make me laugh! He is too much! I could sense every bit of his excitement and anticipation but also the calmness and steadiness he had. It brought me so much comfort and peace. Another thing I would ask the Lord is if he did allow me to birth naturally, that it would bless our marriage. That it would be an amazing experience for Luke and I and something that would bring us even closer to one another and closer to the Him. With every second and every contraction, I could feel the Lord answering that prayer. As I felt the comforting hand of my sweet husband and heard the encouraging words that he would whisper to me, as he read me my scripture note cards to help keep my mind stayed on the Lord, I knew the Lord was blessing us tremendously. This is when I knew that everything I had asked, He was making a way like only He can. When we let go of our plans and just trust him with each second.
Janice comes in around 10:20 and checks me. I am now 8 cm and 80% effaced. She calls another nurse in to start prepping the room. I asked her if I was about to start pushing and she said no, she's just gonna bring in all the supplies. My dad then walks in and starts talking to us, all of the sudden I get this major pain and start moaning. I look at Janice and say "I feel like I need to poop!" She comes and checks me and says "No, you're about to have a baby!" She quickly calls Dr. Tynes and tells me to just breathe. That room went from calm to crazy in one second. Beds start breaking down, sheets start flying, stuff is beeping and I'm just saying "I need to push!" over and over. Dr. Tynes comes flying in, throws on her gown and I start pushing. Luke is holding one knee and I'm holding the other. My mind is thinking "Oh my goodness, this is happening!" I push out his head, and then proceed to say "Oh my goodness that hurt!" One more big push and my little boy is laying on my chest. I am just absolutely overwhelmed. Luke just keeps saying "You did it! He's here! " and "I cant believe that just happened!" Tears are flowing. Dr. Tynes says "No rips or tears!" I raise my hand to the sky and say "Glory to God!" "He has answered all my prayers!" and in that moment I just stop and say to everyone in the room just what all I had asked and what all God had given and I gave Him all thanks! Ezra Daniel Richardson was born August 7, 2012 at 10:45 am 7lbs 4 oz 20 inches long :)
After the birth, I was a little sore but not enough to need any Motrin or pain meds. I have felt great and am feeling better every day. Thank you Lord.
I am so thankful that the Lord has seen it fit to bless Luke and I with yet another little soul to love and shepherd. I'm so thankful for Him allowing me to see His face that day and each time I stare into the face of my husband and children. I'm thankful to experience yet another spiritual marker that taught me so much and built my faith even more. With each turn of this life, the Lord continues to blow me away. My heart longs to know Him more, to be more like Him, to love Him more, and to be used to bring Him glory. Whether it be through pain or joy. Lord, blessed be your name. To you, Oh Lord, be all glory, honor and praise.
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3
Throughout this pregnancy I had specific things that I prayed for every day. I prayed that Ezra would be perfectly healthy and strong (with no colic, acid reflux or gas problems, been there done that). That he would have a heart of peace and a heart that burned with passion for the Lord. I prayed that he would be head down and face down with no cord issues or complications of any kind. That I could deliver vaginally and without any medication. That I would recover quickly and would not rip or tear (a little TMI, I know, but it's what I prayed!). I also prayed that I would go into labor naturally and that through the natural birth experience God would receive glory. Always ending with "Not my will but yours be done". My prayers were not in such a list form but more of a daily outpouring of my heart's desire in complete submission to His will. So here is how things went...
First of all, Elijah and Halle's deliveries were both induced and both with epidurals. So let me begin by saying I'm not a hard core natural birth hippie who looks down on others if they don't choose this route. My personal belief is that it is a personal decision and no one should look down or judge someone for something so silly. When I became pregnant with Ezra, I started to have the desire to go the natural route. So I began to pray about it and asked the Lord if he willed, to give me the strength and ability to experience it. I am very analytical by nature, but especially of my own feelings and desires. I asked myself "why?". Why do I want to do this? I had many reasons why and some I shared with others as they looked at me like I had 4 heads and some I didn't but I will lay them all out now. When I had my other two epidurals, I was unaware that the medicine crossed the placenta and went to the baby. Granted this is safe, obviously, but now knowing this, I had a hard time with it. This is coming from a woman who has to lose a limb before I take a Tylenol or anything that is considered safe during pregnancy. That's just how I am. I don't like taking medicine and I don't like not being in control of my body. I also hate being poked on and hooked up like a power strip. Another reason is I was very aware that this could be my last pregnancy and after talking to other women who did it naturally, I wanted to really experience the whole thing. When I would share with others that I may do it natural, some would tell me how crazy I am, how they didn't think I could do it and made other comments like that. Although I may not be a sensitive person when it comes to other people's opinions, I am an extremely passionate person about my belief that I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength. I knew with all of me that if He placed that desire in my heart then He would give me everything I needed to do it. So in my mind I would always say "Hide and watch!". I had to be very careful though, that my desire was not to prove myself, but for God to prove Himself through me. When God knitted me together, he placed something deep within me that loves a challenge. He has given me one life and at that end I don't want it to be said of me "She always took the easy way out". As I said before, this is not for Melissa's glory but for His namesake. His power is put on display when I am faced with challenges that He gives me the courage and strength to not back down from. I know this may seem totally crazy but as I said before it is a personal conviction. Lastly, I have always heard that childbirth is one of the most painful things women can experience. My other two deliveries were cake walks. I wanted to experience that pain and then at the end, have a deeper understanding and appreciation of what kind of pain my Jesus endured for me. Because compared to what He experienced, natural childbirth is nothing. (Now for the disclaimer: I do not condone people hurting themselves intentionally in search for love and appreciation for the cross that's something only God can give. It's a unique situation and a thought I had lol)
As I said previously, one of my prayers was that I would go into labor naturally. One of the reasons for this is in case you don't know, when you get induced with pitocin you are pretty much guaranteed to get an epidural. The reason is that the contractions are so much more intense, one can hardly stand it. For this reason, I had said the whole time that if I had to be induced I would most probably be getting an epidural. Well the days rolled on and still no baby. I would sit every afternoon in my rocker begging God to please just let me go into labor. I had contractions for three weeks that were not making any progress to my cervix. I was beginning to have thoughts that maybe it wasn't the Lord's will for me to have this experience, but I knew whatever the outcome I trusted Him and trusted that He had a reason. So my due date came and went and still no baby. I was huge, moody and trying my best to be patient and trust the Lord. Finally, after praying Luke and I decided that if I had not gone into labor on my own by Tuesday August 7, then that's the day I would go in to be induced. We both felt that this was the right decision. I went to the doctor that Monday and my cervix was dilated to a 3 and I was about 50% effaced. That was great news to us because before that I was stuck at a 1cm and no effacement. We praised the Lord for that news!
We spent Monday night with Granny and Papaw before we headed to the hospital at 5:00 am the next morning. I did not get much sleep from excitement. The last thing I remember before I took my 'nap' that night was talking to the Lord and reflecting over the past 10 months of this pregnancy. How throughout all of the different situations that came up He kept my mind in perfect peace. Isaiah 26:3 says "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. This scripture carried me through all the unusual findings on the ultrasounds and all of the what ifs that ran through my head. God is good, God is faithful and I am His.
August 7, 2012 we arrive at the hospital. The whole ride there I tried to decipher through thoughts, nerves and excitement. "How is this thing going to go down? " "Lord, please let my body respond and do what it is suppose to." Just a few of the things racing through my head. Altogether I had an overwhelming feeling of uncertainty. I am such a planner and enjoy knowing what to "expect" but I totally had no idea. I assumed I would be getting an epidural but there was still an ounce of hope that I wouldn't have to.
After two hours of paperwork and questions I get all hooked up and my pitocin starts at 7:00 am. Here we go. It's go time. Shortly after Dr. Tynes comes in and breaks my water. She informs me that the reason I would not go into labor on my own is because there was so much amniotic fluid. As she broke my water she had to guide his head down into my pelvis. Praise the Lord for that unanswered prayer otherwise Mr. Wiggle worm could very possibly flipped and been breech!
A little time passes and I can feel my contractions begin to strengthen. My nurse Janice comes in and we begin talking. I told her that I originally wanted to go all natural but since I am having to be induced I assumed I would be getting an epidural. She encourages me and tells me that I can just take it one contraction at a time and see how it goes. No pressure either way. I looked over at Luke and I said "sounds good" and from that moment on that's just what we did. My birth plan became "no plan" and I was just gonna roll with it. She then increased my pitocin a little in order to get my contractions closer together.
About an hour later, my contractions are hurting pretty good, but I am breathing and humming through them. Janice checks me and I am 6 cm dilated and 75% effaced. I was making excellent progress (glory to God!). Luke asks her "At this point in labor, how are most women responding to the pain of contractions?" She said that at this stage most women are 'very ready' for an epidural and that I was doing wonderful to be at this stage. (This is the moment he says that he knew I was going to do it) He looks at me and says "Babe, you got this. If anyone can it's you." I said "I think you may think I'm stronger than I actually am lol.." He said "No, I know you, it's your decision but I know the strength the Lord has given you and there is no doubt you can do this." I said we will just see, I'm taking it one step at a time.
The contractions became pretty painful. My precious husband placed his hand on my knee with every contraction and would breathe with me. At one point he started humming and I barely opened my eyes and told him to stop it because he was making me laugh. Regardless of how much I'm hurting that man can always make me laugh! He is too much! I could sense every bit of his excitement and anticipation but also the calmness and steadiness he had. It brought me so much comfort and peace. Another thing I would ask the Lord is if he did allow me to birth naturally, that it would bless our marriage. That it would be an amazing experience for Luke and I and something that would bring us even closer to one another and closer to the Him. With every second and every contraction, I could feel the Lord answering that prayer. As I felt the comforting hand of my sweet husband and heard the encouraging words that he would whisper to me, as he read me my scripture note cards to help keep my mind stayed on the Lord, I knew the Lord was blessing us tremendously. This is when I knew that everything I had asked, He was making a way like only He can. When we let go of our plans and just trust him with each second.
Janice comes in around 10:20 and checks me. I am now 8 cm and 80% effaced. She calls another nurse in to start prepping the room. I asked her if I was about to start pushing and she said no, she's just gonna bring in all the supplies. My dad then walks in and starts talking to us, all of the sudden I get this major pain and start moaning. I look at Janice and say "I feel like I need to poop!" She comes and checks me and says "No, you're about to have a baby!" She quickly calls Dr. Tynes and tells me to just breathe. That room went from calm to crazy in one second. Beds start breaking down, sheets start flying, stuff is beeping and I'm just saying "I need to push!" over and over. Dr. Tynes comes flying in, throws on her gown and I start pushing. Luke is holding one knee and I'm holding the other. My mind is thinking "Oh my goodness, this is happening!" I push out his head, and then proceed to say "Oh my goodness that hurt!" One more big push and my little boy is laying on my chest. I am just absolutely overwhelmed. Luke just keeps saying "You did it! He's here! " and "I cant believe that just happened!" Tears are flowing. Dr. Tynes says "No rips or tears!" I raise my hand to the sky and say "Glory to God!" "He has answered all my prayers!" and in that moment I just stop and say to everyone in the room just what all I had asked and what all God had given and I gave Him all thanks! Ezra Daniel Richardson was born August 7, 2012 at 10:45 am 7lbs 4 oz 20 inches long :)
After the birth, I was a little sore but not enough to need any Motrin or pain meds. I have felt great and am feeling better every day. Thank you Lord.
I am so thankful that the Lord has seen it fit to bless Luke and I with yet another little soul to love and shepherd. I'm so thankful for Him allowing me to see His face that day and each time I stare into the face of my husband and children. I'm thankful to experience yet another spiritual marker that taught me so much and built my faith even more. With each turn of this life, the Lord continues to blow me away. My heart longs to know Him more, to be more like Him, to love Him more, and to be used to bring Him glory. Whether it be through pain or joy. Lord, blessed be your name. To you, Oh Lord, be all glory, honor and praise.
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3
Friday, July 27, 2012
39 weeks tomorrow
Well, to answer the main question that I hear over and over and over again.. yes.. I'm still pregnant (As if the huge belly and butt did not give that one away). I will be 39 weeks tomorrow and feeling every bit of it.
Throughout this pregnancy I have prayed every day that the Lord would allow me to go into labor naturally and to deliver Ezra naturally. At 37 weeks I started having crazy contractions and they have not stopped yet so before each doctor visit I am thinking for sure that I am going to be making some progress. Well, I went to the doctor for my weekly check last Tuesday and I am still only 1 cm dilated. By this point, I was at least 3 or 4 cm dilated with my other two. So of course, to no surprise this leaves my mind flooded with the "what-ifs". What if my body doesn't respond as well as it did with the last two pregnancies? What if I go past my due date and I don't want to be induced? What if ... what if.. what if... blah blah blah. On top of that, many have wondered what is my big hurry to go into labor? Well, you see there is this precious little boy of mine who is starting school on Aug 15th and you better believe Mommy is not gonna miss a single second of it. Having Ezra a little early would allow our family time to adjust a little bit before we hop to to the next big transition.
So here I am, unknowingly, riddled with anxiety over the if, when and how. As I got in my truck and drove out of the hospital parking lot the Lord spoke so clearly to me. He reminded me of the theme throughout this pregnancy of His faithfulness. I became so convicted as I thought about the fact that from the moment I knew this little one was in my womb, God has given me such assurance and peace that he is perfectly healthy. I thought about the Choroid Plexus Cysts and how after prayer they all disappeared. I thought about his growth situation and how the Lord showed His hand by growing Ezra from the 15th percentile to the 56th percentile in one week! I could clearly hear him say, "Child, you have trusted me in all of this, are you going to doubt me now?" Wow. CON-VIC-TED. I am so thankful for each and every moment he has allowed me to face the uncertainties throughout this whole experience because through them, I have seen His hand. Regardless of what the outcome my God is faithful. I know that this child and his momma are in his hands.
Since then I have had my moments. I am one big flaming ball of hormones, which makes being steadfast even more challenging than normal, but His grace is sufficient in my weakness. Ive had a few crying fits alone with Him in prayer, pleading like a 4 year old to please, please just let me go into labor because I can't take anymore. As only my heavenly Father can do, He mercifully lets me get it all out and then speaks truth to my heart. And sometimes, okay a lot of times, when I continue to carry on and on He says to me "Be still child." Whereas, I quickly reply "Yes Sir" lol. I hear that a lot. He is so faithful and patient with us. I don't know what I would do without my sweet Jesus. This world couldn't handle me. I KNOW my dear husband is thankful for Him, otherwise he would be the one on the other end of these fits lol.
So I shall press on excitedly awaiting the arrival of our third little blessing. I can hardly wait but as of this second, the Lord is making me so I will walk in the grace He has supplied for this day, in complete joy and peace knowing- MY GOD IS FAITHFUL!
Throughout this pregnancy I have prayed every day that the Lord would allow me to go into labor naturally and to deliver Ezra naturally. At 37 weeks I started having crazy contractions and they have not stopped yet so before each doctor visit I am thinking for sure that I am going to be making some progress. Well, I went to the doctor for my weekly check last Tuesday and I am still only 1 cm dilated. By this point, I was at least 3 or 4 cm dilated with my other two. So of course, to no surprise this leaves my mind flooded with the "what-ifs". What if my body doesn't respond as well as it did with the last two pregnancies? What if I go past my due date and I don't want to be induced? What if ... what if.. what if... blah blah blah. On top of that, many have wondered what is my big hurry to go into labor? Well, you see there is this precious little boy of mine who is starting school on Aug 15th and you better believe Mommy is not gonna miss a single second of it. Having Ezra a little early would allow our family time to adjust a little bit before we hop to to the next big transition.
So here I am, unknowingly, riddled with anxiety over the if, when and how. As I got in my truck and drove out of the hospital parking lot the Lord spoke so clearly to me. He reminded me of the theme throughout this pregnancy of His faithfulness. I became so convicted as I thought about the fact that from the moment I knew this little one was in my womb, God has given me such assurance and peace that he is perfectly healthy. I thought about the Choroid Plexus Cysts and how after prayer they all disappeared. I thought about his growth situation and how the Lord showed His hand by growing Ezra from the 15th percentile to the 56th percentile in one week! I could clearly hear him say, "Child, you have trusted me in all of this, are you going to doubt me now?" Wow. CON-VIC-TED. I am so thankful for each and every moment he has allowed me to face the uncertainties throughout this whole experience because through them, I have seen His hand. Regardless of what the outcome my God is faithful. I know that this child and his momma are in his hands.
Since then I have had my moments. I am one big flaming ball of hormones, which makes being steadfast even more challenging than normal, but His grace is sufficient in my weakness. Ive had a few crying fits alone with Him in prayer, pleading like a 4 year old to please, please just let me go into labor because I can't take anymore. As only my heavenly Father can do, He mercifully lets me get it all out and then speaks truth to my heart. And sometimes, okay a lot of times, when I continue to carry on and on He says to me "Be still child." Whereas, I quickly reply "Yes Sir" lol. I hear that a lot. He is so faithful and patient with us. I don't know what I would do without my sweet Jesus. This world couldn't handle me. I KNOW my dear husband is thankful for Him, otherwise he would be the one on the other end of these fits lol.
So I shall press on excitedly awaiting the arrival of our third little blessing. I can hardly wait but as of this second, the Lord is making me so I will walk in the grace He has supplied for this day, in complete joy and peace knowing- MY GOD IS FAITHFUL!
Saturday, June 23, 2012
rantings of a ticked off mama
We took the kids to see the new Disney Pixar movie Brave today. Movie was cute but I have to say what left the most impression upon my heart were the previews. First of all, all of the upcoming children's movie's were about darkness and death. As Luke and I kept exchanging glances, my heart could not help but remember what scripture says about the times that we are embarking on. Desensitising our youth to the reality of darkness by exposing them to vampires, ghosts and other such things that is portrayed in a funny light. Believe me, I have stared darkness in the face and there is nothing funny or cute about it.
Then comes the kicker, Katy Perry's upcoming movie about her life. It begins by explaining how poor Katy was raised in a Christian home that held her down until she broke free and found her own voice. First of all, anyone who prances around on stage in a swim suit twirling lollipops is not what I would deem of sound mind. Honestly, I would love to say that my first reaction was that I was filled with compassion for poor Katy but it wasn't. I was ticked. I was ticked for my children and every other pair of innocent eyes sitting in that theater who came to see a "family" movie was getting this crap shoved down their throat. I am angry at the lie that the enemy is constantly feeding our youth. I am angry that I can no longer go to the movies with my children without being bombarded with inappropriate anti-Jesus lies. The lines that used to be blurry, aren't so blurry anymore. The line is clearly drawn and it is time that we as ambassadors of Christ guard our children's hearts and minds from these lies.
Turn on the t.v., radio or any other media source and this is what our children are being told: Our boys are taught to lust after women, give themselves away to as many as they can because that is what gives them their worth. Make as much money as you can because you are only worth the amount in your bank account. Our little girls are taught to dress provocatively because your value comes from as many looks as you get. You're never good enough. Your worth is found in the size of you bra and blue jeans. Little girls giving away their bodies looking for the security that they are missing in their homes. This is a travesty! I know these lies because I once believed them! This makes me ANGRY!
Katy Perry's so called voice that she has found is pouring out of the speakers and into the hearts of our children all over the world. Well Miss Perry, I know one little girl who will not be listening to your crap. You paint the picture of Christians being weak, close-minded fools. Well you are a puppet of the enemy, being used to spread the same lie that he has been spreading for a while. My heart breaks for you because you are the one who is blind and in captivity by the enemy as a tool for his deceptive plan. My anger is not at you, but at your king.
As Lecrea put it best, you want to be a real rebel, read your Bible and follow Jesus because no one is doing that these days. Go against what the world says you must be in order to find worth and find your confidence in Christ. Jesus was the ultimate rebel, renegade and outlaw. He loved, he rebuked, he spoke the truth without fear, he died and overcame death! That is MY JESUS! That is who I am following! And He is coming back with a tattoo on his thigh and a sword from his mouth to complete his rescue plan and put an end to the lies once and for all. That is my Jesus! That is my King! The King of Kings!
Then comes the kicker, Katy Perry's upcoming movie about her life. It begins by explaining how poor Katy was raised in a Christian home that held her down until she broke free and found her own voice. First of all, anyone who prances around on stage in a swim suit twirling lollipops is not what I would deem of sound mind. Honestly, I would love to say that my first reaction was that I was filled with compassion for poor Katy but it wasn't. I was ticked. I was ticked for my children and every other pair of innocent eyes sitting in that theater who came to see a "family" movie was getting this crap shoved down their throat. I am angry at the lie that the enemy is constantly feeding our youth. I am angry that I can no longer go to the movies with my children without being bombarded with inappropriate anti-Jesus lies. The lines that used to be blurry, aren't so blurry anymore. The line is clearly drawn and it is time that we as ambassadors of Christ guard our children's hearts and minds from these lies.
Turn on the t.v., radio or any other media source and this is what our children are being told: Our boys are taught to lust after women, give themselves away to as many as they can because that is what gives them their worth. Make as much money as you can because you are only worth the amount in your bank account. Our little girls are taught to dress provocatively because your value comes from as many looks as you get. You're never good enough. Your worth is found in the size of you bra and blue jeans. Little girls giving away their bodies looking for the security that they are missing in their homes. This is a travesty! I know these lies because I once believed them! This makes me ANGRY!
Katy Perry's so called voice that she has found is pouring out of the speakers and into the hearts of our children all over the world. Well Miss Perry, I know one little girl who will not be listening to your crap. You paint the picture of Christians being weak, close-minded fools. Well you are a puppet of the enemy, being used to spread the same lie that he has been spreading for a while. My heart breaks for you because you are the one who is blind and in captivity by the enemy as a tool for his deceptive plan. My anger is not at you, but at your king.
As Lecrea put it best, you want to be a real rebel, read your Bible and follow Jesus because no one is doing that these days. Go against what the world says you must be in order to find worth and find your confidence in Christ. Jesus was the ultimate rebel, renegade and outlaw. He loved, he rebuked, he spoke the truth without fear, he died and overcame death! That is MY JESUS! That is who I am following! And He is coming back with a tattoo on his thigh and a sword from his mouth to complete his rescue plan and put an end to the lies once and for all. That is my Jesus! That is my King! The King of Kings!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Dear Ezra (again),
My sweet Ezra,
Little one you are already bringing the Lord so much glory and you have yet to take your first breath! Last Thursday(June 14) I went to see you on our big 32 week ultrasound. I caught a glimpse of your sweet little face but you still wouldn't show the whole thing. I guess you are keeping your good looks a surprise until they lay you on my chest. They did say that you have hair so I am very excited to see how much! According to my heart burn you should come out looking like Fabio, but lets hope not lol.
After the ultrasound I went into the rfoom to see my doctor. She had some concerns because you went from being in the 50th percentile in size to the 15th percentile. You weighed 3.15 lbs. which was not much of an increase since your last measurements. She was concerned that since your growth rate had slowed so much that something may be wrong with the placenta and she told me to cut my activity in half and increase my calorie intake. If your growth continued to slow then I would have to be on strict bed rest and would probably have to be induced early because if the placenta was bad then you would, in essence, be starving in my womb. She sent me back to see the specialist in a week for a further look. Well, needless to say, that was not the news mommy wanted to hear. I immediately began getting pounded by the enemy with feelings of guilt for not resting more and eating 'too healthy'. Thankfully, after talking to your daddy he called that stupid devil out pretty quickly and spoke wisdom and life into my heart.
The first day I was just sad feeling and went home and slept. After the clouds in my mind cleared, I knew that this was another opportunity for me to believe the gospel over my flesh. I had prayed for you every day, and from the moment he placed your little being in my womb, He has given me a peace that you were going to be completely healthy. When you had the cysts on your brain, I knew you were okay and this time was no different. As I sat at his feet, he poured out his presence on me. My heart laid bare before him, I asked him to once again make you completely healthy. You are his creation, not mine. I asked him to forgive my moments of doubt, and told him that I believe with all my heart that you are going to be perfectly healthy. Not because of some magical prayer I have prayed, but because I felt that that was His will from the beginning. But no matter what the outcome I trust Him. I asked him to speak to my heart and give me ears to hear exactly what he wanted to say to my heart. As I opened his word he led me to Mark 11:24 "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." I knew that was exactly what He wanted to say. Not because of any amount of faith I could conjure up, but only because the Holy Spirit in me knows the will of God and it was in agreement with every prayer that I had lifted up for you. Because any faith that I have is only there because God has given it to me. Because my health, and your health is not the highlight of this story. Regardless of the outcome, through tears or joy, my hearts desire is for His perfect will to be done.. because it's just that.. perfect. This story is not about me or my family. It's about Him. To display his infinite power, mercy, love and grace in a story called the gospel and I am just so blessed to get to be a part of it. Thank you Jesus for those sweet words. From that moment on, any opportunity for fear or doubt was completely cast out and I walked in complete peace and freedom knowing that my Daddy's got this.
Well today has been a week since I received that news. I woke up this morning with the song "Your Love Never Fails" stuck in my head. I worshipped all the way to the specialists office. As your Daddy and I sat in there and the ultrasound tech began to perform the scan, we noticed that she seemed to be taking the measurements over and over of your belly and your head. After measuring at least 3 or 4 times she said very puzzled "Well, I am measuring him to be 5 and a half pounds, I have measured many times to make sure it was accurate but according to this he has gained a pound and a half in a week which would put him in the 56th percentile". So in the matter of one week you went from the 15th percentile to the 56th which is unheard of! Needless to say, I could not stop laughing! I looked over at your daddy and we both had the biggest grin on our faces and immediately began giving God glory! Little one, you are already being used to bring the King glory. He is the God of the unexplainable! I am overwhelmed with excitement to see in what other ways He is going to put His glory on display in your little life! I am so thankful to be your mommy Ezra Daniel. I cannot wait to see your sweet little face, kiss your chubby cheeks and look into the eyes of an answered prayer. Each child God has graced your daddy and I with, has been an answer to a specific prayer. You each were asked specifically for and he has displayed an outpouring of his love and power through each of you. Don't ever question the greatness of our God. Don't ever doubt His power and goodness not matter what circumstances you may face in your life. I pray that you love Him with every fiber of your little being and that you chase after him with reckless abandon. There is nothing like Him sweet one.
Isaiah 26:3-4
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord is an everlasting rock."
Little one you are already bringing the Lord so much glory and you have yet to take your first breath! Last Thursday(June 14) I went to see you on our big 32 week ultrasound. I caught a glimpse of your sweet little face but you still wouldn't show the whole thing. I guess you are keeping your good looks a surprise until they lay you on my chest. They did say that you have hair so I am very excited to see how much! According to my heart burn you should come out looking like Fabio, but lets hope not lol.
After the ultrasound I went into the rfoom to see my doctor. She had some concerns because you went from being in the 50th percentile in size to the 15th percentile. You weighed 3.15 lbs. which was not much of an increase since your last measurements. She was concerned that since your growth rate had slowed so much that something may be wrong with the placenta and she told me to cut my activity in half and increase my calorie intake. If your growth continued to slow then I would have to be on strict bed rest and would probably have to be induced early because if the placenta was bad then you would, in essence, be starving in my womb. She sent me back to see the specialist in a week for a further look. Well, needless to say, that was not the news mommy wanted to hear. I immediately began getting pounded by the enemy with feelings of guilt for not resting more and eating 'too healthy'. Thankfully, after talking to your daddy he called that stupid devil out pretty quickly and spoke wisdom and life into my heart.
The first day I was just sad feeling and went home and slept. After the clouds in my mind cleared, I knew that this was another opportunity for me to believe the gospel over my flesh. I had prayed for you every day, and from the moment he placed your little being in my womb, He has given me a peace that you were going to be completely healthy. When you had the cysts on your brain, I knew you were okay and this time was no different. As I sat at his feet, he poured out his presence on me. My heart laid bare before him, I asked him to once again make you completely healthy. You are his creation, not mine. I asked him to forgive my moments of doubt, and told him that I believe with all my heart that you are going to be perfectly healthy. Not because of some magical prayer I have prayed, but because I felt that that was His will from the beginning. But no matter what the outcome I trust Him. I asked him to speak to my heart and give me ears to hear exactly what he wanted to say to my heart. As I opened his word he led me to Mark 11:24 "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." I knew that was exactly what He wanted to say. Not because of any amount of faith I could conjure up, but only because the Holy Spirit in me knows the will of God and it was in agreement with every prayer that I had lifted up for you. Because any faith that I have is only there because God has given it to me. Because my health, and your health is not the highlight of this story. Regardless of the outcome, through tears or joy, my hearts desire is for His perfect will to be done.. because it's just that.. perfect. This story is not about me or my family. It's about Him. To display his infinite power, mercy, love and grace in a story called the gospel and I am just so blessed to get to be a part of it. Thank you Jesus for those sweet words. From that moment on, any opportunity for fear or doubt was completely cast out and I walked in complete peace and freedom knowing that my Daddy's got this.
Well today has been a week since I received that news. I woke up this morning with the song "Your Love Never Fails" stuck in my head. I worshipped all the way to the specialists office. As your Daddy and I sat in there and the ultrasound tech began to perform the scan, we noticed that she seemed to be taking the measurements over and over of your belly and your head. After measuring at least 3 or 4 times she said very puzzled "Well, I am measuring him to be 5 and a half pounds, I have measured many times to make sure it was accurate but according to this he has gained a pound and a half in a week which would put him in the 56th percentile". So in the matter of one week you went from the 15th percentile to the 56th which is unheard of! Needless to say, I could not stop laughing! I looked over at your daddy and we both had the biggest grin on our faces and immediately began giving God glory! Little one, you are already being used to bring the King glory. He is the God of the unexplainable! I am overwhelmed with excitement to see in what other ways He is going to put His glory on display in your little life! I am so thankful to be your mommy Ezra Daniel. I cannot wait to see your sweet little face, kiss your chubby cheeks and look into the eyes of an answered prayer. Each child God has graced your daddy and I with, has been an answer to a specific prayer. You each were asked specifically for and he has displayed an outpouring of his love and power through each of you. Don't ever question the greatness of our God. Don't ever doubt His power and goodness not matter what circumstances you may face in your life. I pray that you love Him with every fiber of your little being and that you chase after him with reckless abandon. There is nothing like Him sweet one.
Isaiah 26:3-4
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord is an everlasting rock."
Monday, May 28, 2012
happy anniversary
Seven years ago today, a very insecure, hard-headed and broken young lady carried all of her baggage down the isle to marry a very insecure, hard-headed and broken young man both in all sorts of bondage. Looking back at that scene I cant help but almost choke thinking of how differently things could have turned out. But God. In our hearts we loved one another as much as we were able at that time but we had absolutely no idea what we were doing. I knew that Luke was the man that I was supposed to marry. I just had no clue what the next seven years would hold. We loved one another passionately but were walking into marriage with very little bricks to build a house with. Both very ignorant as to what a gospel marriage looked like. We said I do and God began the refinement process which has been so extremely painful at times, but freeing and fulfilling like nothing else. God uncovered lies, betrayals, fears, hurts, bitterness, anger, guilts, insecurities and many, many more sins that had entangled the both of us only to leave two hearts humbly bare seeking to be reconciled and healed like only the Father can. Some of my greatest fears became my reality but God was faithful to stand us back on our feet and rock our world with the healing power and strength in his mighty hands. What Satan intended to destroy, God used to build our faith in him and love for one another. Sitting here today I can thankfully say that I love this man more than I ever thought possible. I have watched the Lord perform a miracle in his heart and He has graciously allowed me to be a part of it. I treasure that bond more today than ever.
God has used Luke to teach me so many things. How through my trust in Christ I can trust my husband. To allow my heart to be vulnerable, even though I was scared to death, because I know that's the way I am called to love him. One of the greatest things he has taught me through my marriage with Luke is how to let him love me. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but those were unfamiliar shoes to me. That goes hand in hand with being vulnerable, but I have always taken the martyr role in my important relationships. To allow someone else to see my innermost pains and fears and still love me was frightening to say the least. That was a place only Jesus saw because I have never trusted anyone else. He has blessed me with a husband who has become a safe place in this rough and painful world.
We both sit back and marvel at the work of redemption Jesus has done in each of us and in our marriage. It is incredible. In the past, I would see and hear the love stories of young couples who remained pure and seemed to have done it "right". I would find myself genuinely happy for these couples, but also feeling very condemned and guilty that we hadn't done it "right". Neither of us were pure when we were married and really had absolutely no idea why we should remain pure except that that's what we grew up hearing. We walked around for years in condemnation and guilt for our past mistakes. Until, just like the bleeding woman who was healed by touching the cloak of Jesus, I realized I had been made clean a long time ago and it was high time I forgave myself. There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. Thank you Lord. He has shown us what the Bible actually says about sex and what it was created for, undoing years of lies we had been fed by media and society. Now, I understand that we all have a different story. I know it was not God's desire for Luke and I to make those past mistakes, but you better believe Christ died for each of them and now uses them for His glory. It may not have been the easiest road that we have walked, but we have seen first hand the magnificence of God and for that I wouldn't have it any other way! He has united us together in Him more solid and strong through the weathered storms. I stand here today looking back at that girl who married that boy.. both unrecognizable to us.. only to the glory of God. I wouldn't trade our story for anything, because after all, its not a story about us. It has Soli Deo gloria written over it with His handwriting.
Joshua Luke Richardson,
I cant say enough how thankful I am that God chose me to be your wife. Your helper. Your love for the Father and your passion for his word is the greatest gift I have as your wife. The way you love me is second. Thank you for fighting for me, for us. Thank you for loving our children and for your commitment to leading them in love to Jesus. You amaze me. Thank you for being my safe place. I love you more today than I ever thought I could and I am so incredibly excited to see what the next chapter of this story he is writing holds. I am honored to share this life with you and pray that He gives me the strength and wisdom to love you and serve you the way he has called me to. I love you forever.
Lissa Gayle
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
rest
Isaiah 26:3-4
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.
Our life is busier than ever before. I fight for time to rest. The chaos that fills my calendar days is nothing compared to the chaos inside my mind. When this happens I quickly find myself broken before the Lord, begging him for help. Life never stops. I am surrounded by takers and very few givers which makes it imperative that I retreat and be filled up after being poured out. That is exactly what Jesus did. He was literally surrounded by thousands of takers. Over and over we see him retreat to a quiet place to pray and be with His Father. My ministry as wife, mom, friend, gospeler, pre-k leader, community group leader, discipleship leader is nothing to what he endured during his ministry and yet over and over I find myself whining to him about being tired. His answer, "rest" (I love His heart and how simple he keeps it for this simple heart). If Jesus needed it then I certainly do! The truth is, when I neglect this I am not only hurting myself and being unfruitful but I am being disobedient. His law is perfect and I delight in it, not because I love laws but because it is from our loving Father who knows how life works best and what we need. Just when I feel like I am about to suffocate and I cant go on, He is faithful to remind this wandering heart of this truth. Rest. I will never be the woman he has called me to be until I get this. I repent from my disobedience and am committed to seeking after his heart and shutting down my mind and busyness so that I can stay in complete peace and in communion with my love. Without that, all this 'stuff' is meaningless. It's all for Him and about Him.
Sweet Lord,
May you reign on the throne of my mind today and every day. May this worker never work out of routine, but out of the fruitfulness of your spirit living inside me. May it never be out of my strength but only that power that comes from walking in you. Keep me in perfect peace, for my trust, my hope and my love is all in you. Thank you again for your mercy and faithfulness. For never giving up on me but constantly pruning, refining and molding this heart to look more like you. That is my heart's desire. No matter what fire that may bring. Refine me because I know there is no other place I will be content in. Thank you.
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.
Our life is busier than ever before. I fight for time to rest. The chaos that fills my calendar days is nothing compared to the chaos inside my mind. When this happens I quickly find myself broken before the Lord, begging him for help. Life never stops. I am surrounded by takers and very few givers which makes it imperative that I retreat and be filled up after being poured out. That is exactly what Jesus did. He was literally surrounded by thousands of takers. Over and over we see him retreat to a quiet place to pray and be with His Father. My ministry as wife, mom, friend, gospeler, pre-k leader, community group leader, discipleship leader is nothing to what he endured during his ministry and yet over and over I find myself whining to him about being tired. His answer, "rest" (I love His heart and how simple he keeps it for this simple heart). If Jesus needed it then I certainly do! The truth is, when I neglect this I am not only hurting myself and being unfruitful but I am being disobedient. His law is perfect and I delight in it, not because I love laws but because it is from our loving Father who knows how life works best and what we need. Just when I feel like I am about to suffocate and I cant go on, He is faithful to remind this wandering heart of this truth. Rest. I will never be the woman he has called me to be until I get this. I repent from my disobedience and am committed to seeking after his heart and shutting down my mind and busyness so that I can stay in complete peace and in communion with my love. Without that, all this 'stuff' is meaningless. It's all for Him and about Him.
Sweet Lord,
May you reign on the throne of my mind today and every day. May this worker never work out of routine, but out of the fruitfulness of your spirit living inside me. May it never be out of my strength but only that power that comes from walking in you. Keep me in perfect peace, for my trust, my hope and my love is all in you. Thank you again for your mercy and faithfulness. For never giving up on me but constantly pruning, refining and molding this heart to look more like you. That is my heart's desire. No matter what fire that may bring. Refine me because I know there is no other place I will be content in. Thank you.
Friday, April 20, 2012
a day in the journey
It has been pressed upon my heart to make note of this journey in which God is taken me on. I cannot express how extremely vulnerable I feel and I am not sure why. After all, I trust Him. Maybe I shudder at what I might discover. But in a good, exhilarating, jump off a cliff kind of way. These past few days as I sit at His feet I can hardly contain myself. I just weep. I weep in response to the words He keeps whispering to my heart. The words "I love you". I was reading through the pages of Ephesians and my heart felt as if it was about to explode. Why is this so difficult for me to get or feel? Up until a couple years ago, I could barely say the words "God loves me". I just don't understand how He could. I want to understand, I want to feel it, to grasp it but there is something inside of me that is almost fearful of it. He has begun to pull back the layers that have kept me from being able to really feel his love and it is borderline frightening. It is that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you are standing at the edge of a cliff, looking into depths in which you cannot see the bottom, about to jump. My mind keeps trying to make sense of this. "Of course I know God loves me, duh". I think up until this point I have known that God loves me, but I haven't KNOWN his love. I know this journey has been brought on by the recent drudging up of the rejection of my mother. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with allowing people to love me. I have felt unworthy and undeserving and I just learned to accept that. I would do all the loving, but don't try to love me back. That would mean that my heart was vulnerable again and open to rejection. I have built walls and walls around my heart in order to keep that from happening. I would serve, love and forgive others but to be able to accept love in return makes me so uncomfortable. Honestly, it's foreign to me. God showed me this issue first in my marriage. It is so difficult for me to let Luke love me. Over the course of our relationship I assumed the role that I was most comfortable at. I loved him, he would screw up, I would forgive him and then love and serve him, once again being the hero. But never ever allowing him to gain complete access to my heart. Nope, that was reserved for Jesus only because after all, he is the only one who has never betrayed me. When the Lord revealed this to me, I began to pray for healing in this area of our marriage. Well apparently, in order for me to be able to allow Luke to love me I first have to truly know the love of God (who woulda thought right?). Deep in my heart I long to see and understand how the Lord sees me. I know that his word says that when he looks at me he sees Jesus but I want to feel that. I desire to be as close to the Lord as one possibly can while walking this planet. That has been my prayer. I know this is a journey to that next level of intimacy with the Him. I am so excited to see what he is gonna do with the mess of a heart. He makes beauty from ashes.
Ephesians 2:4-9, 3:14-21
Ephesians 2:4-9, 3:14-21
Thursday, April 19, 2012
wounded heart-healing heart
These past few months have been a struggle to say the least. God is doing an amazing work in my heart and of course, no surprise Satan has amped up his attack on me. What Satan doesn't seem to get is the more he attacks, the more he pushes me to the arms of my Savior who in turn shows himself faithful to strengthen and revive my soul. I can see so clearly Satan's strategy. It's the same card he always pulls when God brings me to a whole new level in my walk with him. Family. This heart bears some very deep wounds that have been scabbed over for years and within a matter of seconds they were all ripped open and once again I was left to deal with a bleeding heart. I was under the impression that I was over all of this, that I had dealt with it and moved on. At the sight of her blood shot eyes, her staggering stance and the smell of stale liquor even after all of these years, all of those feelings came flooding back except this time it was much more intense. The rejection, the abandonment, the lack of love from the one person who is suppose to love me more than anyone. I am almost 28 years old and at that moment I was a child again. All of the anger and frustration exploded in my heart as it did so many times before. I don't know why it was so much more intense than ever before. Maybe because I have since become a mother myself and as I stare in the eyes of my children I can't imagine choosing a selfish escape to alcohol over fighting for them. I am not one to candy-coat anything. My view of life is pretty literal and practical. I don't tell myself lies in order to soften the blow. I am an 'it is what it is' kind of girl. And the truth is she does not love me and never has. I believe she desires to love me, she has affection for me and loves the idea of me but she does not love me. That hurts. I have walked around my whole life with this rejection. It has affected choices I have made as a teen that I absolutely regret. It has affected the way I see myself and my view of God. I have battled the demon of insecurity for as long as I can remember. I have never been enough. I am not blaming her for these things, because I am responsible for every decision I have ever made all I am saying is walking around in this world with anger, bitterness, rejection and worthlessness has a major affect on your perspective. But God has changed so much of that. I have tasted victory over all of these things and that makes my enemy very angry. This was his opportunity and he took it. It felt like a sucker punch to the stomach. After the series of events I was left with all of those feelings again and this time, instead of gritting my teeth and pushing through like I had always done before. I ran to the feet of my Savior, my safe place, and laid my bleeding heart bare before him, knowing that only He could heal me. I was reminded of the story of the bleeding lady in the crowd who reached up and touched the cloak of Jesus' garment because she knew if she could just touch him, she would be healed. He called her daughter, and she was healed. I began to see that anger creep back and over the past week I have lacked the peace that I usually have in Him. I am so thankful that He opened my eyes to see it and came to my rescue. It is so difficult for me to admit this hurts me, I don't know why, but it is. But I know He knows my heart before I utter a word. He knows how I have dealt with this in the past and He has better plans in store for me. You see, what Satan intended to knock me down, God is using to build me up. He allowed this to come back into my life and rip open all these old wounds only so that He can heal them for good. I know that He has a plan for me in women's ministry, He has shown that to me clearly and quite frankly I feel like the most retarded candidate for the job because of how screwed up every important woman relationship is in my life. They have all walked out on me, they have all hurt me deeply and rejected me only to leave me jaded and angry (He's changing that too by the way). That is his way though, and I love it. He uses the absolute weakest to do His work so that He receives the glory. I love His ways. He is teaching me when to love, let go and move on without guilt. I by no means have this figured out, He has me on incredibly painful yet rewarding journey. I know through every tear He has been and is there and He is faithful to bring this work that He has started to completion. I feel more vulnerable now than I have ever felt in my life and it scares the pants off of me but I know I am safe in His arms. I know this is so choppy and jumbled up because there is such a magnitude of growth going on in me, there are no words to convey it all. In all of the circumstances and pains it all points back to one thing. I have a Father who loves me, who accepts me, who has called me daughter, who is faithful and that is ALL I need.
Sweet Lord,
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for calling me yours, not because of anything good I have done but only because of grace. Thank you for allowing me to experience every stitch of rejection so to be found excepted by you. Thank you for allowing me to experience abandonment so to be adopted as your daughter. Thank you for every lack of love from those who have failed so to see how deep your love runs for me. You know these wounds. Heal me sweet Jesus. My heart is yours and only yours. Thank you for bringing me to a place of complete dependence on you so to see your faithfulness time and time again. I love you. I pray my life says that each and every day.
Sweet Lord,
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for calling me yours, not because of anything good I have done but only because of grace. Thank you for allowing me to experience every stitch of rejection so to be found excepted by you. Thank you for allowing me to experience abandonment so to be adopted as your daughter. Thank you for every lack of love from those who have failed so to see how deep your love runs for me. You know these wounds. Heal me sweet Jesus. My heart is yours and only yours. Thank you for bringing me to a place of complete dependence on you so to see your faithfulness time and time again. I love you. I pray my life says that each and every day.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
a dead city who thinks it's alive
One of the biggest deceptions in our culture is the sense of false security. A people fed the lie that because they said this specific prayer, walked the isle and attend church every week that they are good and they have all they need when really all they have is an empty religion and a weekly ritual. We pray these prayers and tell these people that because they say these magic words their lives will be forever changed and then we drop them like a bad habit. There is never any life change. There is never any fruit. Jesus said go make disciples. This requires time invested in those whom Christ has called. Christ was the perfect example. He had his disciples who lived with him. They studied under him, they watched his every move and when Christ gave them the great commission, these men were not perfect, but they knew Jesus. He didn't say "Hey Simon Peter, come pray this prayer, fill out this card and you're all good brother! Good luck figuring it all out!" We have fattened our egos with big numbers all the while starving the body of Christ. I look around in my city and it is filled with people who really believe this is all there is to the gospel. They think they are good, they got their fire insurance. Hear me when I say being a Christian is not linked to being southern! Christianity has become a bible-belt southern thing. This personally, drives me crazy. The mentality is "Well of course I'm a Christian! I go to church every Sunday and most of the time Wednesday (followed by an eatin' meetin' afterwards), I tithe my ten percent and serve on all the important committees, plus I have a southern accent!" This deception is all a plan of the enemy. If he can trick you into believing you are really a Christian without really knowing Jesus then he accomplishes two things. One, is you, in fact, are not a true follower of Christ because there has never been a submission to His authority over your heart and life (i.e. no life change) and two, you are a false representation of who Jesus is to other non-believers. You carry the name of Jesus but have no idea who he is and therefore live a dead life, wearing his name in vain. I know this may seem very harsh and well, you're right it is. But the fact is I'm angry about it. I'm angry at the watered down religion I was fed and I'm angry its created a dead city who thinks they are alive. Really and truly, if you know Him then this should tick you off too. Here is the encouragement, we have the truth at our fingertips in His holy word. Seek Him, obey Him and abide in Him and He will do the rest. We cannot do this alone (thank goodness because I fail miserably at discipleship) with a willing and obedient heart, Christ is glorified.
Now, do you really know Him?
Now, do you really know Him?
Friday, March 23, 2012
Calvinism, Arminianism.... Labelism
I don't like labels. It seems that everywhere I go lately all I hear is the debate between Calvinism and Arminianism. While I firmly believe there is but ONE truth. It breaks my heart to see division within the body of Christ over labels. So for all who are curious about where Luke and I stand, here it is...
Do I believe that God is completely sovereign and that He calls who He wishes, absolutely! There is no way that you can read the scriptures and not believe that. If you don't agree, Paul lays it out much better than I ever could in Romans 9 and that's just one place. Scripture also says that He desires all to be saved and to come to the knowledge of truth. He is an absolute loving Father. He created love. But He is also just and His ways are so much higher than our ways. I believe that God's heart is always love, however He has a perfect will that ultimately will put His justice, mercy, grace, goodness and power on display for all the world to see. If you don't believe me then just ask yourself these questions. "If He is the One who is, who was, and who is to come then do I believe that He knows those who ultimately will spend eternity with him?" If you answer yes, then ask yourself, "If He knows those who are not His, then why did He choose to still create them?" The answer to this everytime is that He is sovereign, and the potter can make and do whatever He wishes. We can't truly worship in humility and complete reverence, a God that we chose from the religion buffet. If you belong to Him, it's because He chose you not vice versa. A common misbelief when it comes to election, is the belief that if one were to desire to know God then he couldnt because he wasnt a 'chosen one'. Lol thats nuts. If your heart desires to know Him, it is because He placed that desire in your heart and He is calling you to Him. We love because He first loved us. He owes us nothing and we owe him everything. If this makes you angry at me, sorry. I would encourage you to ask your own heart why this makes you so uncomfortable. If it's because it's different than what you grew up being taught, then I would say that's a good reason to get out the scriptures and seek the truth for yourself. Don't just trust what is handed to you from me, from your pastor or your parents. Seek the truth for yourself! Hold what you believe up against the Holy Word and see if it lines up.
I come from two very different spectrums in the religious world. I grew up charasmatic/baptist lol. This led to a very confused teenager being taught two different things. I remember the day I sat on my bed with my Bible in my lap. My heart and mind were riddled with confusion and frustration. I prayed that day for God to show me His truth. Not what I grew up hearing, not what anyone else's interpretation was. I wanted His heart. His truth. Nothing more, nothing less. Take this religion and tradition and give me Jesus. He has been so faithful to do so. I am not knocking any of these religions, I know some of the most godly folks who go to all kinds of different churches. That's why I hate labels. Someone says Baptist and you automatically think, stiff knecked, sunday school and hymnals. Someone says charasmatic and you automatically think pew jumpin' and speaking in tounges. I know this because I have been guilty of it! You may not like me, you may not agree with me that is okay, because I still love you :) but I will not accept any label but the one written on my forehead that says I belong to the King. We are called to love. You can take anyone on this planet, the more you get to know them, eventually you will find something that you disagree on. Let's not get lost in labels or in useless debates over which side of the fence eachother is on. Dig in His word and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal His truth to your heart. He is faithful to do so! I don't know about you but from what He has shown me so far, His heart is more beautiful than anything and I cant get enough of it!
Do I believe that God is completely sovereign and that He calls who He wishes, absolutely! There is no way that you can read the scriptures and not believe that. If you don't agree, Paul lays it out much better than I ever could in Romans 9 and that's just one place. Scripture also says that He desires all to be saved and to come to the knowledge of truth. He is an absolute loving Father. He created love. But He is also just and His ways are so much higher than our ways. I believe that God's heart is always love, however He has a perfect will that ultimately will put His justice, mercy, grace, goodness and power on display for all the world to see. If you don't believe me then just ask yourself these questions. "If He is the One who is, who was, and who is to come then do I believe that He knows those who ultimately will spend eternity with him?" If you answer yes, then ask yourself, "If He knows those who are not His, then why did He choose to still create them?" The answer to this everytime is that He is sovereign, and the potter can make and do whatever He wishes. We can't truly worship in humility and complete reverence, a God that we chose from the religion buffet. If you belong to Him, it's because He chose you not vice versa. A common misbelief when it comes to election, is the belief that if one were to desire to know God then he couldnt because he wasnt a 'chosen one'. Lol thats nuts. If your heart desires to know Him, it is because He placed that desire in your heart and He is calling you to Him. We love because He first loved us. He owes us nothing and we owe him everything. If this makes you angry at me, sorry. I would encourage you to ask your own heart why this makes you so uncomfortable. If it's because it's different than what you grew up being taught, then I would say that's a good reason to get out the scriptures and seek the truth for yourself. Don't just trust what is handed to you from me, from your pastor or your parents. Seek the truth for yourself! Hold what you believe up against the Holy Word and see if it lines up.
I come from two very different spectrums in the religious world. I grew up charasmatic/baptist lol. This led to a very confused teenager being taught two different things. I remember the day I sat on my bed with my Bible in my lap. My heart and mind were riddled with confusion and frustration. I prayed that day for God to show me His truth. Not what I grew up hearing, not what anyone else's interpretation was. I wanted His heart. His truth. Nothing more, nothing less. Take this religion and tradition and give me Jesus. He has been so faithful to do so. I am not knocking any of these religions, I know some of the most godly folks who go to all kinds of different churches. That's why I hate labels. Someone says Baptist and you automatically think, stiff knecked, sunday school and hymnals. Someone says charasmatic and you automatically think pew jumpin' and speaking in tounges. I know this because I have been guilty of it! You may not like me, you may not agree with me that is okay, because I still love you :) but I will not accept any label but the one written on my forehead that says I belong to the King. We are called to love. You can take anyone on this planet, the more you get to know them, eventually you will find something that you disagree on. Let's not get lost in labels or in useless debates over which side of the fence eachother is on. Dig in His word and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal His truth to your heart. He is faithful to do so! I don't know about you but from what He has shown me so far, His heart is more beautiful than anything and I cant get enough of it!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Dear Ezra,
Ezra,
Yesterday afternoon Mommy went to the doctor and had an ultrasound to check your development. It has been 19 weeks since God placed you in my womb. So far your time in my tummy has been much easier than your big brother and sister. I am praying that you are my 'peaceful' child ha! From the moment I saw the positive sign on my pregnancy test, God has given me such a great peace about you. I have not been anxious about your health or well-being and as I drove to my appointment yesterday, there was no difference. My heart was filled with excitement to get to see you and how much you have grown. After the ultrasound, I sat in the patient room waiting to see my doctor. After she looked at your pictures, she came in and told me that you looked perfect except that you have what is called, Choroid plexus cysts on your brain. She explained that this is weakly related to down syndrome however, they want to explore more just to be sure so she referred me to a specialist to get a level 2 ultrasound done. Little one, all these things are just details and the only reason I am even sharing them is because Mommy wants you to know that even as I sat there and heard that there is a possibility that you could have a disability, our faithful Father graced your momma with so much peace that it even astounded me. You see, earlier that morning, as I sat before the Lord, I asked Him to give me more faith and I knew as I prayed those words that it would come through something to do with your time in my womb. The truth of it is, even if He allowed us to walk that road, He is faithful and He is good. I believe with all of my heart that you are perfectly healthy, but even if you weren't, that would not change my love for you for a single second. It would not make me disappointed or fearful because you, my darling, are fearfully and wonderfully made by our Father. I loved you before He formed you. Mommy prayed and asked our sweet Father to bless us with another little blessing and He said yes by giving us you. I know that you are going to be a very special little boy. I have a deep conviction that He is going to use you and your siblings in mighty ways. I pray for you every day. For your health, your journey into this world and most of all for God to place a strong desire and burning passion for Him in your heart. You are so blessed by two very special siblings who are very excited to meet you. Your big brother Elijah kisses my tummy and talks to you all the time. Your big sister Halle thinks that I have named my belly button Ezra, ha, but I have no doubt when she understands she will be thrilled! God has also blessed you with an amazing daddy who is already in love with you. He works hard, laughs hard, prays hard and loves hard. He has a deep love and a burning passion for Jesus and is bursting with excitement at any opportunity to teach you about Him. We are so excited to meet you and watch you grow to be a man who reveres the King. I have no doubt that you are perfect. Not by any standards of this world, but by the standards of your Creator. I am praying that when we go see this specialist Monday, that these cysts are gone and that it will be all for the glory of the Lord. Already, your life is bringing Him praise and you haven't even taken your first breath. I just want you to know that our Father is good and our Father is faithful. It is Mommy and Daddy's greatest mission to live our lives in front of you children so to see the face of Jesus. Although, we mess up time and time again, His mercy remains. In these times of uncertainty, we have a hope that still holds firm and that is our hope in Jesus. We have joy through tears and His word chases away all fear. My sweet boy, He is more than my words could ever express so I am looking forward to the opportunity to show you day after day, trial after trial, who He is and what we have in Him. I cant wait to see your sweet, precious face. I cant wait to finally hold you in my arms. I love you little boy and I am so honored to be your mommy.
March 14, 2012
Yesterday afternoon Mommy went to the doctor and had an ultrasound to check your development. It has been 19 weeks since God placed you in my womb. So far your time in my tummy has been much easier than your big brother and sister. I am praying that you are my 'peaceful' child ha! From the moment I saw the positive sign on my pregnancy test, God has given me such a great peace about you. I have not been anxious about your health or well-being and as I drove to my appointment yesterday, there was no difference. My heart was filled with excitement to get to see you and how much you have grown. After the ultrasound, I sat in the patient room waiting to see my doctor. After she looked at your pictures, she came in and told me that you looked perfect except that you have what is called, Choroid plexus cysts on your brain. She explained that this is weakly related to down syndrome however, they want to explore more just to be sure so she referred me to a specialist to get a level 2 ultrasound done. Little one, all these things are just details and the only reason I am even sharing them is because Mommy wants you to know that even as I sat there and heard that there is a possibility that you could have a disability, our faithful Father graced your momma with so much peace that it even astounded me. You see, earlier that morning, as I sat before the Lord, I asked Him to give me more faith and I knew as I prayed those words that it would come through something to do with your time in my womb. The truth of it is, even if He allowed us to walk that road, He is faithful and He is good. I believe with all of my heart that you are perfectly healthy, but even if you weren't, that would not change my love for you for a single second. It would not make me disappointed or fearful because you, my darling, are fearfully and wonderfully made by our Father. I loved you before He formed you. Mommy prayed and asked our sweet Father to bless us with another little blessing and He said yes by giving us you. I know that you are going to be a very special little boy. I have a deep conviction that He is going to use you and your siblings in mighty ways. I pray for you every day. For your health, your journey into this world and most of all for God to place a strong desire and burning passion for Him in your heart. You are so blessed by two very special siblings who are very excited to meet you. Your big brother Elijah kisses my tummy and talks to you all the time. Your big sister Halle thinks that I have named my belly button Ezra, ha, but I have no doubt when she understands she will be thrilled! God has also blessed you with an amazing daddy who is already in love with you. He works hard, laughs hard, prays hard and loves hard. He has a deep love and a burning passion for Jesus and is bursting with excitement at any opportunity to teach you about Him. We are so excited to meet you and watch you grow to be a man who reveres the King. I have no doubt that you are perfect. Not by any standards of this world, but by the standards of your Creator. I am praying that when we go see this specialist Monday, that these cysts are gone and that it will be all for the glory of the Lord. Already, your life is bringing Him praise and you haven't even taken your first breath. I just want you to know that our Father is good and our Father is faithful. It is Mommy and Daddy's greatest mission to live our lives in front of you children so to see the face of Jesus. Although, we mess up time and time again, His mercy remains. In these times of uncertainty, we have a hope that still holds firm and that is our hope in Jesus. We have joy through tears and His word chases away all fear. My sweet boy, He is more than my words could ever express so I am looking forward to the opportunity to show you day after day, trial after trial, who He is and what we have in Him. I cant wait to see your sweet, precious face. I cant wait to finally hold you in my arms. I love you little boy and I am so honored to be your mommy.
March 14, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
light shined on the accuser
I have always struggled with self condemnation and guilt. Even when I know in my heart that I have done nothing wrong, I will make the problem my fault. I can't stand it when someone has something against me. You may think that is a good thing, because I did to. But I am seeing that it can be a terrible thing. Scripture clearly says that we should do our part to live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:8). Also, not to offer sacrifices to God if your brother has something against you, but to go make things right with him first and then come offer your sacrifices to God (Matthew 5:23-24). I believe it is imperative to examine our hearts and relationships. Making sure there is no bitterness or hatred but only love. When we do make mistakes and hurt others, we should be quick to hold ourselves accountable to the ones we hurt and also to the Father. Likewise, when others hurt us we should be quick to forgive those who wrong us.
In this circumstance I have soberly examined the situation and my heart and I know that I handled it the wisest way that I could but still that other person is angry with me. Angry to the point of hating me, slandering my name and accusing me of all sorts of things that I know I am not guilty of. I know that everything that I have done has been out of love and a desire to help. I have peace in that. However, this past week I have felt this broad and confusing feeling of guilt. As I sit at the feet of Jesus and place these feelings before him, He clearly reminds me of who it is that is accusing me. He isn't named the "Accuser" for nothing. Jesus also reminds me that I stand guilt free in the shadow of His cross. I am by NO means perfect. I am reminded daily of this wretched flesh that I carry around with me. But I know that in this specific situation that I have spoken truth. That I have loved. That I have been prayerful about my decisions. In these things I rest. Christ Jesus said "Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you and spurn your name as evil, on account of the Son of Man! Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven; for so their fathers did to the prophets." The Accuser has been trying to steal my joy. Does this situation hurt my heart? Yes. Does it destroy me? Never. Satan has tried for years to destroy me through the acts of others. But what he needs to realize is those beautiful nail scared hands hold this woman's heart and there is NOTHING that can snatch me out of them (John 10:28)! Covered by the blood of Jesus I stand innocent and free!
Revelation 12:10-11
'And I heard a loud voice in heaven saying, " Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God. And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death."'
In this circumstance I have soberly examined the situation and my heart and I know that I handled it the wisest way that I could but still that other person is angry with me. Angry to the point of hating me, slandering my name and accusing me of all sorts of things that I know I am not guilty of. I know that everything that I have done has been out of love and a desire to help. I have peace in that. However, this past week I have felt this broad and confusing feeling of guilt. As I sit at the feet of Jesus and place these feelings before him, He clearly reminds me of who it is that is accusing me. He isn't named the "Accuser" for nothing. Jesus also reminds me that I stand guilt free in the shadow of His cross. I am by NO means perfect. I am reminded daily of this wretched flesh that I carry around with me. But I know that in this specific situation that I have spoken truth. That I have loved. That I have been prayerful about my decisions. In these things I rest. Christ Jesus said "Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you and spurn your name as evil, on account of the Son of Man! Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven; for so their fathers did to the prophets." The Accuser has been trying to steal my joy. Does this situation hurt my heart? Yes. Does it destroy me? Never. Satan has tried for years to destroy me through the acts of others. But what he needs to realize is those beautiful nail scared hands hold this woman's heart and there is NOTHING that can snatch me out of them (John 10:28)! Covered by the blood of Jesus I stand innocent and free!
Revelation 12:10-11
'And I heard a loud voice in heaven saying, " Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God. And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death."'
Friday, February 24, 2012
all this I will testify
I have looked evil in the eye and experienced the power in the name of Jesus
I have felt His loving arms of comfort wrap around me in my darkest hour
My heart has felt His healing hands weaving together the brokeness to create a beautiful masterpiece
I have heard His sweet voice whisper His truths into my heart when I was filled with doubt and despair
His hands bear the imprint of mine as He has held me so tightly throughout my time here (Isaiah 49:16)
I have felt His mighty arm lift me up to supply all strength to face trials that I never thought I could endure
I have felt the outpouring of His compassion and grace that has covered all my failures
I have stood on the faith He has placed in my heart to trust in Him alone
I have been struck down but by His mighty power NEVER am I destroyed
I have seen evil flee at His very name
I was a captive that He set free
I have felt His love cover me as He calls me child
I have felt His gentle hand wipe away my tears
He has filled me in abundance where I have experienced loss
I have felt His arms lift me high and carry me when these legs couldn't bare anymore
I have felt His joy in the dark
I have heard His voice calling, drawing this wandering heart back home
I have felt His fiery passion burn intensely within me
All this I will testify to. I will never be silent for I know the One who calls me daughter and He alone is worthy. No one or nothing can take this away. I am humbled and thankful for every trial, every slap in my face, every back turned to me, every pierce of my heart, every time I have stumbled. It is through all of these things that I can testify to who He is. He is writing a beautiful story of rescue and redemption all for His glory. I am overwhelmed with thankfulness that He has called me daughter.
I have felt His loving arms of comfort wrap around me in my darkest hour
My heart has felt His healing hands weaving together the brokeness to create a beautiful masterpiece
I have heard His sweet voice whisper His truths into my heart when I was filled with doubt and despair
His hands bear the imprint of mine as He has held me so tightly throughout my time here (Isaiah 49:16)
I have felt His mighty arm lift me up to supply all strength to face trials that I never thought I could endure
I have felt the outpouring of His compassion and grace that has covered all my failures
I have stood on the faith He has placed in my heart to trust in Him alone
I have been struck down but by His mighty power NEVER am I destroyed
I have seen evil flee at His very name
I was a captive that He set free
I have felt His love cover me as He calls me child
I have felt His gentle hand wipe away my tears
He has filled me in abundance where I have experienced loss
I have felt His arms lift me high and carry me when these legs couldn't bare anymore
I have felt His joy in the dark
I have heard His voice calling, drawing this wandering heart back home
I have felt His fiery passion burn intensely within me
All this I will testify to. I will never be silent for I know the One who calls me daughter and He alone is worthy. No one or nothing can take this away. I am humbled and thankful for every trial, every slap in my face, every back turned to me, every pierce of my heart, every time I have stumbled. It is through all of these things that I can testify to who He is. He is writing a beautiful story of rescue and redemption all for His glory. I am overwhelmed with thankfulness that He has called me daughter.
I am my beloveds and He is mine.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
out of the drought, swimming in the living water!
Phew. Where do I begin? My intentions of writing this blog is to build an "alter" in remembrance of the journey I just walked.
Over the past two months (I'm guesstimating b/c its felt like months and months), I have struggled in desperation to understand the hole I have felt in my heart. I have been so extremely blessed to have such an intimate relationship with Jesus. I could never put into words the bond and the closeness that I have walked in with Him, especially over the past six years. He is my most intimate and best friend. I just cant possibly put it into words. Trying to do so leaves me scratching my head in frustration. But I will say that I have felt His presence constantly in my day to day. Only on my face at His feet am I most vulnerable and raw. I have known nothing else in my life. There was a period of time in my adolescence where I walked in disobedience and boy did I suffer the consequences. I could almost hear him saying "Child what are you doing? STOP IT!". I finally did and never looked back. Over the past few months its like that was gone. The love for Him was still very much there and I knew he heard my prayers because His Word says so. It has been a season where I felt He was nowhere to be found, yet I knew He was there if that makes any sense. I examined my heart for unconfessed sin, I wondered if it was pregnancy hormones, I pleaded with Him to show me what it was so that I could confess, repent and feel His presence again. I was left standing in a desert dying of thirst for Him, but could not find Him. After I wasn't convicted of any unconfessed sin, I just said "This is when I have to stand on the truth, even when I don't feel it and trust that whatever this is will pass". So I struggled through my prayers and reading His Word. I felt like when I would go sit at the familiar feet of the one I know so well, its like He was so far and as if I didn't even know Him. I have been so extremely frustrated. It felt like the biggest part of me was gone.
Tonight while I was taking a bath, I started thinking about all of these very knowledgeable and wise people. Those that other Christians quote. Those that stand in pulpits and bring the truth and write these books that everyone talks about. I can often feel so inferior and insecure about my knowledge of the scripture in the shadow of these people. And then it happened. I heard that sweet voice that I have longed to hear for months now. "You know me and I am all you need." 2 Corinthians 10:12 says "...But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding." THANK YOU JESUS! I realized that I had allowed myself to sink into an insecurity about all that I am not instead of resting in all that I am in Christ. All of these materials are wonderful and so helpful in study, but we must not lose our first love and that is knowing and seeking the heart of Jesus. At that moment its like His presence came flooding back and I immediately began to weep. It was as though I was seeing my love that I had been apart from and missed so desperately. Satan is crafty and slick, he studies us and is waiting for his opportunity to devour. He knows that I recognize his voice when it is loud, but he had been whispering these lies to me for a while that has bred this insecurity that I had been walking in of who I was in Jesus. Get the behind me! He may be crafty but my GOD is FAITHFUL and His Word says NEVER will He leave me nor forsake me! And He loves me too much to not speak that truth into me when He sees me struggling. He is so good!
I was also reminded of the prayers that I prayed right before this disconnect happened. I pleaded with the Lord to break my heart for his lost children. In my life, I don't ever remember not knowing the Lord. Although that is such a blessing, it has also made it difficult for me to sympathize with those who are lost. I just don't get it. I wanted that to change and knew that it needed to if I was ever going to be obedient in the great commission. I believe with all my heart that by him allowing me to feel his absence, was an answer to that prayer. I cannot imagine living life with an emptiness like that. I know He was still with me b/c his word says that. However, I do believe he allowed me to feel like he wasn't to create in me a deeper compassion for those who walk in that emptiness. I am so thankful that He answered that prayer. I am so thankful He is back and like a child I am clinging with white knuckles to him. I said aloud "Don't EVER do that again, please" lol. Like one who has thirsted for months, I finally tasted the living water again. If you are walking in that emptiness, I plead with you please please please call to Him. There is no one or nothing like sweet Jesus. Thank you Lord for loving this sheep to refine my heart and never let me out of your sight. You have my heart forever.
Over the past two months (I'm guesstimating b/c its felt like months and months), I have struggled in desperation to understand the hole I have felt in my heart. I have been so extremely blessed to have such an intimate relationship with Jesus. I could never put into words the bond and the closeness that I have walked in with Him, especially over the past six years. He is my most intimate and best friend. I just cant possibly put it into words. Trying to do so leaves me scratching my head in frustration. But I will say that I have felt His presence constantly in my day to day. Only on my face at His feet am I most vulnerable and raw. I have known nothing else in my life. There was a period of time in my adolescence where I walked in disobedience and boy did I suffer the consequences. I could almost hear him saying "Child what are you doing? STOP IT!". I finally did and never looked back. Over the past few months its like that was gone. The love for Him was still very much there and I knew he heard my prayers because His Word says so. It has been a season where I felt He was nowhere to be found, yet I knew He was there if that makes any sense. I examined my heart for unconfessed sin, I wondered if it was pregnancy hormones, I pleaded with Him to show me what it was so that I could confess, repent and feel His presence again. I was left standing in a desert dying of thirst for Him, but could not find Him. After I wasn't convicted of any unconfessed sin, I just said "This is when I have to stand on the truth, even when I don't feel it and trust that whatever this is will pass". So I struggled through my prayers and reading His Word. I felt like when I would go sit at the familiar feet of the one I know so well, its like He was so far and as if I didn't even know Him. I have been so extremely frustrated. It felt like the biggest part of me was gone.
Tonight while I was taking a bath, I started thinking about all of these very knowledgeable and wise people. Those that other Christians quote. Those that stand in pulpits and bring the truth and write these books that everyone talks about. I can often feel so inferior and insecure about my knowledge of the scripture in the shadow of these people. And then it happened. I heard that sweet voice that I have longed to hear for months now. "You know me and I am all you need." 2 Corinthians 10:12 says "...But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding." THANK YOU JESUS! I realized that I had allowed myself to sink into an insecurity about all that I am not instead of resting in all that I am in Christ. All of these materials are wonderful and so helpful in study, but we must not lose our first love and that is knowing and seeking the heart of Jesus. At that moment its like His presence came flooding back and I immediately began to weep. It was as though I was seeing my love that I had been apart from and missed so desperately. Satan is crafty and slick, he studies us and is waiting for his opportunity to devour. He knows that I recognize his voice when it is loud, but he had been whispering these lies to me for a while that has bred this insecurity that I had been walking in of who I was in Jesus. Get the behind me! He may be crafty but my GOD is FAITHFUL and His Word says NEVER will He leave me nor forsake me! And He loves me too much to not speak that truth into me when He sees me struggling. He is so good!
I was also reminded of the prayers that I prayed right before this disconnect happened. I pleaded with the Lord to break my heart for his lost children. In my life, I don't ever remember not knowing the Lord. Although that is such a blessing, it has also made it difficult for me to sympathize with those who are lost. I just don't get it. I wanted that to change and knew that it needed to if I was ever going to be obedient in the great commission. I believe with all my heart that by him allowing me to feel his absence, was an answer to that prayer. I cannot imagine living life with an emptiness like that. I know He was still with me b/c his word says that. However, I do believe he allowed me to feel like he wasn't to create in me a deeper compassion for those who walk in that emptiness. I am so thankful that He answered that prayer. I am so thankful He is back and like a child I am clinging with white knuckles to him. I said aloud "Don't EVER do that again, please" lol. Like one who has thirsted for months, I finally tasted the living water again. If you are walking in that emptiness, I plead with you please please please call to Him. There is no one or nothing like sweet Jesus. Thank you Lord for loving this sheep to refine my heart and never let me out of your sight. You have my heart forever.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
John 6- Sovereignty
John 6
One could write books and books on all of the treasures
found in John, chapter six. It opens
with Jesus feeding the five thousand, next scene is Jesus walking on water, and
it ends with Christ’s riveting teaching on the bread of life which leads to the
turning away of many of his disciples.
This chapter of John continuously echoes the sovereignty of God.
Sovereignty is something that many struggle with and has
recently become a ‘hot topic’ in the church today. The truth of it is this word makes people
uncomfortable because we try to fit infinite, omniscient God into a pretty
little box with a bow on it. Make no
mistake, He cannot be contained.
In the portion of scripture where Jesus feeds the five
thousand, Jesus asked Philip “Where are we to buy bread, so that these people
may eat?” Verse 6 says “He said this to
test him, for he himself knew what he would do.” I love this scene! I am so thankful that our King has a sense of
humor. Just like Jesus knew how he was
going to feed five thousand men, he also knew that Philip was going to look at
him like he was crazy when he asked him this question. I’m sure Jesus got a little chuckle and had
somewhat of a winking “watch this” look about him when he then told his
disciples to have the people sit down.
You see, it did not catch Jesus by surprise when he had five thousand
extra mouths to feed that day. After
all, he was the same God who rained manna from heaven all those years
before. He is the same God who had
provided food for those folks every other day of their lives. Just as this did not catch Christ by
surprise, nor do any of the trials that we face. They may catch us by surprise, but God knows
every single hiccup or catastrophe that we have faced and will face. The book of Job shows us that as His
children, all of those attacks have to go through him first and beloved, know
that if He allows it, you better believe He will show himself faithful to carry
you through it for His glory!
After the feeding of the five thousand, Jesus withdrew to
the mountain by himself. It says that
evening, his disciples got into a boat and started across the sea to
Capernaum. Now, reading this I thought
‘’Why did his disciples leave him? That wasn’t very nice! These are supposed to be his ‘boys’’’ In
Matthews account it says that Jesus made the disciples go before him in
the boat (Matt 14:22). Okay, this made
more sense to me now. Once again, He had
this planned all along. Later that night
Jesus comes walking up to them on the water to show He is in fact God’s
Son. I can just imagine those disciple’s
faces. In all the time they had spent in
a boat, never had they had something like this happen! I love how every single detail and instance
of the miracles in Jesus’ ministry were planned before time. The sovereignty of God is so cool yet so
overwhelming to try to grasp.
The next portion of scripture we see Jesus teaching the
crowds that He is the Bread of Life. Jesus speaks of the sovereignty of God
when He says “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and
whoever believes in me shall never thirst…. All that the Father gives me will
come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.” And “This is the
will of him who sent me, that I should
lose nothing of all that he has given me, but raise it up on the last
day”. And again when He says “No one can
come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him”. Verse 64 says “There are some of you who do
not believe. (For Jesus knew from the beginning who those were who did not
believe, and who it was who would betray him.)
And he said, ‘This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless
it is granted him by the Father.’” The
truth is that we cannot even desire God on our own. That desire, that draw alone comes from the
Father because He knows those who are His before the creation of the
world. We cannot boast in anything but
Christ alone. This makes many
uncomfortable when you look at the flip side of this truth and think ‘Why did
God make those who are not his?’ you can also ask the question ‘Why did God
create Judas?’ Judas still had a
purpose, but Judas didn’t belong to God.
We cannot try to understand the mind of God with the mind of man and
when we seek to do so is when we get in trouble. We should seek after His heart and seek to be
transformed into His hearts likeness but we have to understand that God will
never fit into our box. He is omniscient
and loving, gracious and merciful, He is God alone. Amen.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
It is well
'saying,"Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done." And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him.' Luke 22:42-43
These words jumped out at me as I opened the Word. Seeing as though I just finished asking God, as He knows the outcome of the specific situation, to spare my heart if it was not ever to get better. To spare my heart the pain that has ailed me my entire life. I so desire to wrap it up, put a pretty bow on it and be done. But God says no. I may not understand it entirely, but He has shown me that so much of the beauty He has made in my heart is a result of this pain. He is using it to refine my heart of all impurities and iniquities and for that I thank Him and welcome the storm. Lord not my will, but yours, be done! It's not wrong to want to be spared this pain, as Christ himself had that desire, but He was in full submission to the Father. God did not spare Him, but He strengthened Him. Because He didn't spare Him, I now can lift my head and hands in victory over these obstacles. God may not spare my heart of this ongoing pain that haunts me, but He has given me strength to stand, strength to love, strength to forgive, victory over anger and I know there will come a day when I can finally put a bow on it and be done. But I'm not home yet, and until then my heart will fully submit to His perfect will.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
These words jumped out at me as I opened the Word. Seeing as though I just finished asking God, as He knows the outcome of the specific situation, to spare my heart if it was not ever to get better. To spare my heart the pain that has ailed me my entire life. I so desire to wrap it up, put a pretty bow on it and be done. But God says no. I may not understand it entirely, but He has shown me that so much of the beauty He has made in my heart is a result of this pain. He is using it to refine my heart of all impurities and iniquities and for that I thank Him and welcome the storm. Lord not my will, but yours, be done! It's not wrong to want to be spared this pain, as Christ himself had that desire, but He was in full submission to the Father. God did not spare Him, but He strengthened Him. Because He didn't spare Him, I now can lift my head and hands in victory over these obstacles. God may not spare my heart of this ongoing pain that haunts me, but He has given me strength to stand, strength to love, strength to forgive, victory over anger and I know there will come a day when I can finally put a bow on it and be done. But I'm not home yet, and until then my heart will fully submit to His perfect will.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
our Christmas story.
This has been the best, most unconventional Christmas I ever had. I started the Christmas season with the desire for it to be unlike any other. We decided to take a Christmas vacation to Branson. A quiet family trip in a beautiful cabin to explore God's lovely creation away from all the hustle and bustle. Away from all the major distractions that have, in the past, kept me from focusing on the true meaning of Christmas. About a month before our big adventure, I spent some time praying, asking God to make this Christmas unlike any other. I sat at His feet with the desire for my sweet Jesus to show me what the real meaning of Christmas was. Not what I had grown up thinking. Not what the media and others tell me. What does HE intend it to look like? My heart wanted more. I did what any other daughter would do, I asked Him to show me and of course He did because in case you didn't know, God is faithful!
I spent most of the month of December completely overwhelmed and stressed trying to get everyone a gift that I needed to give along with the benevolent projects we had going on. Parties, shopping, baking, lists, my lists for lists on top of all my regular duties I have as a mother of two little ones and wife to my amazing husband is enough to drive this little lady to tears, and it did a few times. I just felt overwhelmed and all I wanted to do was sit at Jesus' feet. It's like I wanted so bad to be Mary but I was forced to be Martha. I don't like Martha. Martha stresses me out. lol. I couldn't wait until we left for our trip then I could catch my breath and finally get the much needed rest from the chaos that had been sucking my spirit dry.
The day finally arrived! The Weakly family arrived at our house Thursday afternoon (they are good friends of ours who had had enough too and joined the party). We piled in and took off. We stayed the night in Little Rock to break up the trip. Friday morning we got up and were Branson bound! We were all so excited. The closer we got I began to see the beautiful hills (they are like mountains to this Louisiana girl) the more I could taste the freedom and rest that my heart had been longing for. We arrived at the cabin safely and it was beautiful! It was all decorated for Christmas. I opened the door to the overwhelming smell of the beautiful pine walls. It had cathedral ceilings all made of pine. A huge stone fireplace separated two towering windows that overlooked a beautiful sloping hill filled with trees. The outside deck had a hot tub (which this larger than life pregnant lady was not going to be getting in). It was wonderful! I remember saying, "I'm not going to want to leave this place!". This was camping, "Melissa style". We started unpacking and I noticed after being in the cabin a little while my stomach started hurting but I chalked it up to pregnancy symptoms. Krystal and I ventured off to the overpriced Country Mart for groceries for the week. We left $160.00 poorer and headed back to the cabin. When we returned, we walked down to the fire pit for s'mores (or snores as Elijah calls them :). We returned to the cabin, frozen and ready for baths. Each bathroom had a gigantic Jacuzzi tub in it. I ran the kids a warm bubble bath that they swam in for a while and then it was mommy's turn! I was shivering and blue from being so cold and when I get cold I have a hard time warming up. Let's just say God predestined this girl to live in Louisiana for a purpose. As much as I enjoy the cold weather, my body doesn't handle it well. I went to get into the shower and it was freezing cold. Apparently, the swimming pool that I let the kids bathe in used all the hot water. So I jumped in and coached myself through it like a woman in labor or someone running a marathon. I kept repeating, "You got this Melissa! You can do this!". I remember thinking "If anyone hears me they are going to think I am a loony toon." But I was too cold to care and it got me through! After watching the Nativity Story, it was time for bed. I slept for about 2 hours and then awoke to major nausea and sharp stomach pains. I went to the bathroom and threw up. A couple hours later, same thing. I was hurting so bad and was so weak. I knew this wasn't pregnancy nausea and I also knew it wasn't a bug. It was a completely different feeling. Ive had this unique sickness before and it was always at my mother in laws house. They have a beautiful house out in the country. They built it a couple of years ago and she put white pine walls all throughout the house. Sometimes when I would spend the night out there I would get this weird sickness. We tried to narrow it down to figure out the cause but couldn't ever nail anything down. As I laid there in the bed I remembered the first thing I said when I walked into our cabin, "this smells just like Sis and Buck house!". So after a night of vomiting and stomach spasms we have come to the conclusion that I have some sort of weird allergy to cut pine.
Jared had a bunch of points at the Holiday Inn Express so after much discussion, we packed up and went to the hotel. I spent the whole day of Christmas eve laid up, trying to feel better and riddled with guilt over our friends having to leave and spend their Christmas at the holiday inn because of me. They were so great about it, two of the most unselfish people we know!
The longer I was out of the cabin the better I felt. We went and rode through Branson's Trail of Lights and then back to the hotel for bed. Early Christmas morning my eyes popped open at 7 am. I knew that the Lord had woke me and felt Him pressing on my heart that He had something to tell me. So I layed there and waited. He brought to my mind my city. Then I began thinking about my situation, what all I had planned and what actually transpired. I started thinking of others who may be waking up in a holiday inn on Christmas morning but have no hope. Then I heard His sweet soft voice say, "No matter where you are or what you are doing you have ME and I am the hope of Christmas. That is what I want you to share with others." I have heard Jesus was the hope of Christmas and understood it, but He had opened my eyes to it in such a fresh new way. I throw gifts at people with no hope during this time, desiring to bring a little smile to their faces but what they need is a joy that doesn't disappear with the trees and lights. A hope that is far above this world. This world needs JESUS! I asked the Lord to show me how this looks lived out and I immediately thought of those sick spending Christmas in the hospital. We are going to pray about next year visiting the hospitals, bringing them some goodies and the real hope of Christmas.
I have made Christmas all about me. Even when I desired to get away from that, I still painted a pretty picture of how I wanted Christmas with my family to look. When all that was stripped away, I got exactly what my heart desired, Jesus. A month before, as I sat at the feet of Jesus I told Him that all I wanted for Christmas was Him and at 7 am Christmas morning, He gave me the greatest Christmas gift I have ever recieved. Christmas will never be the same.
We got up and went to breakfast at Denny's then walked some trails overlooking God's beautiful creation before heading home that afternoon. All I can say is "Thank you God for a Christmas I will never forget"! I am so thankful for the Lord's faithfulness. He loves us too much to leave us in the same place. My greatest gift isnt the material things I acquire nor is it my family (even though my precious family is absolutely second). My greatest gift and their greatest gift is Jesus because in Him alone is hope. In Him alone is life. Everything else could be taken from me in a second but noone or nothing can ever take away my Jesus! He is my treasure! Merry CHRISTmas! :)
"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
I spent most of the month of December completely overwhelmed and stressed trying to get everyone a gift that I needed to give along with the benevolent projects we had going on. Parties, shopping, baking, lists, my lists for lists on top of all my regular duties I have as a mother of two little ones and wife to my amazing husband is enough to drive this little lady to tears, and it did a few times. I just felt overwhelmed and all I wanted to do was sit at Jesus' feet. It's like I wanted so bad to be Mary but I was forced to be Martha. I don't like Martha. Martha stresses me out. lol. I couldn't wait until we left for our trip then I could catch my breath and finally get the much needed rest from the chaos that had been sucking my spirit dry.
The day finally arrived! The Weakly family arrived at our house Thursday afternoon (they are good friends of ours who had had enough too and joined the party). We piled in and took off. We stayed the night in Little Rock to break up the trip. Friday morning we got up and were Branson bound! We were all so excited. The closer we got I began to see the beautiful hills (they are like mountains to this Louisiana girl) the more I could taste the freedom and rest that my heart had been longing for. We arrived at the cabin safely and it was beautiful! It was all decorated for Christmas. I opened the door to the overwhelming smell of the beautiful pine walls. It had cathedral ceilings all made of pine. A huge stone fireplace separated two towering windows that overlooked a beautiful sloping hill filled with trees. The outside deck had a hot tub (which this larger than life pregnant lady was not going to be getting in). It was wonderful! I remember saying, "I'm not going to want to leave this place!". This was camping, "Melissa style". We started unpacking and I noticed after being in the cabin a little while my stomach started hurting but I chalked it up to pregnancy symptoms. Krystal and I ventured off to the overpriced Country Mart for groceries for the week. We left $160.00 poorer and headed back to the cabin. When we returned, we walked down to the fire pit for s'mores (or snores as Elijah calls them :). We returned to the cabin, frozen and ready for baths. Each bathroom had a gigantic Jacuzzi tub in it. I ran the kids a warm bubble bath that they swam in for a while and then it was mommy's turn! I was shivering and blue from being so cold and when I get cold I have a hard time warming up. Let's just say God predestined this girl to live in Louisiana for a purpose. As much as I enjoy the cold weather, my body doesn't handle it well. I went to get into the shower and it was freezing cold. Apparently, the swimming pool that I let the kids bathe in used all the hot water. So I jumped in and coached myself through it like a woman in labor or someone running a marathon. I kept repeating, "You got this Melissa! You can do this!". I remember thinking "If anyone hears me they are going to think I am a loony toon." But I was too cold to care and it got me through! After watching the Nativity Story, it was time for bed. I slept for about 2 hours and then awoke to major nausea and sharp stomach pains. I went to the bathroom and threw up. A couple hours later, same thing. I was hurting so bad and was so weak. I knew this wasn't pregnancy nausea and I also knew it wasn't a bug. It was a completely different feeling. Ive had this unique sickness before and it was always at my mother in laws house. They have a beautiful house out in the country. They built it a couple of years ago and she put white pine walls all throughout the house. Sometimes when I would spend the night out there I would get this weird sickness. We tried to narrow it down to figure out the cause but couldn't ever nail anything down. As I laid there in the bed I remembered the first thing I said when I walked into our cabin, "this smells just like Sis and Buck house!". So after a night of vomiting and stomach spasms we have come to the conclusion that I have some sort of weird allergy to cut pine.
Jared had a bunch of points at the Holiday Inn Express so after much discussion, we packed up and went to the hotel. I spent the whole day of Christmas eve laid up, trying to feel better and riddled with guilt over our friends having to leave and spend their Christmas at the holiday inn because of me. They were so great about it, two of the most unselfish people we know!
The longer I was out of the cabin the better I felt. We went and rode through Branson's Trail of Lights and then back to the hotel for bed. Early Christmas morning my eyes popped open at 7 am. I knew that the Lord had woke me and felt Him pressing on my heart that He had something to tell me. So I layed there and waited. He brought to my mind my city. Then I began thinking about my situation, what all I had planned and what actually transpired. I started thinking of others who may be waking up in a holiday inn on Christmas morning but have no hope. Then I heard His sweet soft voice say, "No matter where you are or what you are doing you have ME and I am the hope of Christmas. That is what I want you to share with others." I have heard Jesus was the hope of Christmas and understood it, but He had opened my eyes to it in such a fresh new way. I throw gifts at people with no hope during this time, desiring to bring a little smile to their faces but what they need is a joy that doesn't disappear with the trees and lights. A hope that is far above this world. This world needs JESUS! I asked the Lord to show me how this looks lived out and I immediately thought of those sick spending Christmas in the hospital. We are going to pray about next year visiting the hospitals, bringing them some goodies and the real hope of Christmas.
I have made Christmas all about me. Even when I desired to get away from that, I still painted a pretty picture of how I wanted Christmas with my family to look. When all that was stripped away, I got exactly what my heart desired, Jesus. A month before, as I sat at the feet of Jesus I told Him that all I wanted for Christmas was Him and at 7 am Christmas morning, He gave me the greatest Christmas gift I have ever recieved. Christmas will never be the same.
We got up and went to breakfast at Denny's then walked some trails overlooking God's beautiful creation before heading home that afternoon. All I can say is "Thank you God for a Christmas I will never forget"! I am so thankful for the Lord's faithfulness. He loves us too much to leave us in the same place. My greatest gift isnt the material things I acquire nor is it my family (even though my precious family is absolutely second). My greatest gift and their greatest gift is Jesus because in Him alone is hope. In Him alone is life. Everything else could be taken from me in a second but noone or nothing can ever take away my Jesus! He is my treasure! Merry CHRISTmas! :)
"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
Friday, January 6, 2012
strength in worship
After a long day today, I sat in my tub soaking all of the aches away listening to some Chris Tomlin. The song "How can I keep from singing?" came on and the Holy Spirit reminded me of one of the many times in my life where God showed himself faithful.
I was 16 years old and was excitedly planning a month long mission trip to Peru that coming summer with Teen Mania Ministries. It was a sunny Wednesday afternoon and I had just got out of school for the day. I went to my grandparents house to hang out until it was time to go to youth group at 6:00 that night. I remember this day like it was five minutes ago. I walked through their door and said hey to my grandmommy who was standing at the sink (as she usually is). She greeted me with a soft "hello". I could tell that something wasn't right. She then asked me if I had talked to my Dad and I responded with a "no ma'am". She then said "You need to go home sweetie..". Well of course this prompted a hundred questions. I knew something bad must have happened because my family has had it's share of major issues and my Grandmother never acted like this. About that time my D-Daddy who was sitting in his chair in the den said "Come in here sugar". So I walked to the den as my grandmommy followed. D-daddy told me that I needed to sit down, that he had something to tell me. Grandmommy quickly said "Now Dan, Steve (my dad) said he wanted to tell her!" My D-daddy quickly persisted with "Now Evelyn, that ain't right to scare this youngin' and make her wait and wonder what's going on! I'm tellin' her!" (lol anyone who knows these two will chuckle in reminiscence of many conversations that went on this way). So I sat on their couch and my D-Daddy looked at me and said "Sweetie, your mamma's got cancer and they have given her 6 months to live, you need to go on home and talk to your daddy". That wasn't what I was expecting to here. "Your mother has overdosed",yes, but not this, this was not at all on my radar. So I gave hugs, told my grandparents bye and headed home.
As I drove down Barksdale Blvd., I remember crying and praying, thanking God for every day that I had with my mom and pleading for her salvation. As I approached the water tower, I remember singing with one hand on the wheel and one hand in the air. When my life took a devastating turn all I could do was worship. I remember singing to the top of my lungs of God's faithfulness through my tears and being surprised at my reaction. Being a dreamer, I had thought of what my reaction would be if I had ever received news like this and never in my dreams was it worship but at that moment that is what seemed so natural and that is what gave me strength. Declaring through my tears, "God you are good and you are faithful and I know that you have brought me through all of these other trials and you will carry me through this!". I remember being shocked at my reaction. I believe with all of my heart that this wasn't at all me. This was the Holy Spirit leading me and carrying me, showing me how to deal with devastation. He is faithful, He is good and He did carry me through those difficult months.
When I got home, my dad was sitting in his chair and was talking to my mom on the phone. This was unusual because they were divorced and not buddies to say the least. My dad handed me the phone and I heard my mother sobbing. She persisted to tell me that she had cancer and the doctors gave her six months at the most.
In my immaturity and without prayer, I cancelled my trip to Peru because I felt my mission was to spend every minute I could ministering to my mother. She is a beautiful woman but a broken one who has battled the demon in the bottle for as long as I can remember. I spent the next four months driving across town to visit her everyday after school. I would come in to find her unconscious bathed in a stench. I would rub her hair and tell her that I loved her.
After four months of this, I got a phone call from my brother. He said that mom had overdosed on pills and they took her to LSU. He said he brought her in and told them her name and that she was a cancer patient there. They had no record of her being there since 1985. Come to find out the whole thing was a lie. Of course the family was furious at her, myself included. But soon after the Lord graced me with the understanding and forgiveness for her. My mother had just lost her dad to cancer and who knows if she really believed she had it or not but I believe she was wrenched with loneliness and just wanted to see if anyone cared. I learned a lot through that season. God showed me His strength and grace and the power of worship. He also taught me that I need not make hasty decisions but pray earnestly.
Since then, I have had other devastations come my way and He has been there through every single one of them. Things that I feared the most become my reality and He held me through them all. I know that my trials are far from over but with hands raised and heart humbled I will declare God Your are good, You are faithful and You will overcome!
I was 16 years old and was excitedly planning a month long mission trip to Peru that coming summer with Teen Mania Ministries. It was a sunny Wednesday afternoon and I had just got out of school for the day. I went to my grandparents house to hang out until it was time to go to youth group at 6:00 that night. I remember this day like it was five minutes ago. I walked through their door and said hey to my grandmommy who was standing at the sink (as she usually is). She greeted me with a soft "hello". I could tell that something wasn't right. She then asked me if I had talked to my Dad and I responded with a "no ma'am". She then said "You need to go home sweetie..". Well of course this prompted a hundred questions. I knew something bad must have happened because my family has had it's share of major issues and my Grandmother never acted like this. About that time my D-Daddy who was sitting in his chair in the den said "Come in here sugar". So I walked to the den as my grandmommy followed. D-daddy told me that I needed to sit down, that he had something to tell me. Grandmommy quickly said "Now Dan, Steve (my dad) said he wanted to tell her!" My D-daddy quickly persisted with "Now Evelyn, that ain't right to scare this youngin' and make her wait and wonder what's going on! I'm tellin' her!" (lol anyone who knows these two will chuckle in reminiscence of many conversations that went on this way). So I sat on their couch and my D-Daddy looked at me and said "Sweetie, your mamma's got cancer and they have given her 6 months to live, you need to go on home and talk to your daddy". That wasn't what I was expecting to here. "Your mother has overdosed",yes, but not this, this was not at all on my radar. So I gave hugs, told my grandparents bye and headed home.
As I drove down Barksdale Blvd., I remember crying and praying, thanking God for every day that I had with my mom and pleading for her salvation. As I approached the water tower, I remember singing with one hand on the wheel and one hand in the air. When my life took a devastating turn all I could do was worship. I remember singing to the top of my lungs of God's faithfulness through my tears and being surprised at my reaction. Being a dreamer, I had thought of what my reaction would be if I had ever received news like this and never in my dreams was it worship but at that moment that is what seemed so natural and that is what gave me strength. Declaring through my tears, "God you are good and you are faithful and I know that you have brought me through all of these other trials and you will carry me through this!". I remember being shocked at my reaction. I believe with all of my heart that this wasn't at all me. This was the Holy Spirit leading me and carrying me, showing me how to deal with devastation. He is faithful, He is good and He did carry me through those difficult months.
When I got home, my dad was sitting in his chair and was talking to my mom on the phone. This was unusual because they were divorced and not buddies to say the least. My dad handed me the phone and I heard my mother sobbing. She persisted to tell me that she had cancer and the doctors gave her six months at the most.
In my immaturity and without prayer, I cancelled my trip to Peru because I felt my mission was to spend every minute I could ministering to my mother. She is a beautiful woman but a broken one who has battled the demon in the bottle for as long as I can remember. I spent the next four months driving across town to visit her everyday after school. I would come in to find her unconscious bathed in a stench. I would rub her hair and tell her that I loved her.
After four months of this, I got a phone call from my brother. He said that mom had overdosed on pills and they took her to LSU. He said he brought her in and told them her name and that she was a cancer patient there. They had no record of her being there since 1985. Come to find out the whole thing was a lie. Of course the family was furious at her, myself included. But soon after the Lord graced me with the understanding and forgiveness for her. My mother had just lost her dad to cancer and who knows if she really believed she had it or not but I believe she was wrenched with loneliness and just wanted to see if anyone cared. I learned a lot through that season. God showed me His strength and grace and the power of worship. He also taught me that I need not make hasty decisions but pray earnestly.
Since then, I have had other devastations come my way and He has been there through every single one of them. Things that I feared the most become my reality and He held me through them all. I know that my trials are far from over but with hands raised and heart humbled I will declare God Your are good, You are faithful and You will overcome!
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