rantings of a ticked off mama

We took the kids to see the new Disney Pixar movie Brave today.  Movie was cute but I have to say what left the most impression upon my heart were the previews.  First of all, all of the upcoming children's movie's were about darkness and death.  As Luke and I kept exchanging glances, my heart could not help but remember what scripture says about the times that we are embarking on.  Desensitising our youth to the reality of darkness by exposing them to vampires, ghosts and other such things that is portrayed in a funny light.  Believe me, I have stared darkness in the face and there is nothing funny or cute about it. 
Then comes the kicker, Katy Perry's upcoming movie about her life.  It begins by explaining how poor Katy was raised in a Christian home that held her down until she broke free and found her own voice.  First of all, anyone who prances around on stage in a swim suit twirling lollipops is not what I would deem of sound mind.  Honestly, I would love to say that my first reaction was that I was filled with compassion for poor Katy but it wasn't.  I was ticked.  I was ticked for my children and every other pair of innocent eyes sitting in that theater who came to see a "family" movie was getting this crap shoved down their throat.  I am angry at the lie that the enemy is constantly feeding our youth.  I am angry that I can no longer go to the movies with my children without being bombarded with inappropriate anti-Jesus lies.  The lines that used to be blurry, aren't so blurry anymore. The line is clearly drawn and it is time that we as ambassadors of Christ guard our children's hearts and minds from these lies. 
Turn on the t.v., radio or any other media source and this is what our children are being told:  Our boys are taught to lust after women, give themselves away to as many as they can because that is what gives them their worth.  Make as much money as you can because you are only worth the amount in your bank account.  Our little girls are taught to dress provocatively because your value comes from as many looks as you get.  You're never good enough.  Your worth is found in the size of you bra and blue jeans.  Little girls giving away their bodies looking for the security that they are missing in their homes.  This is a travesty!  I know these lies because I once believed them!  This makes me ANGRY!
Katy Perry's so called voice that she has found is pouring out of the speakers and into the hearts of our children all over the world.  Well Miss Perry, I know one little girl who will not be listening to your crap.  You paint the picture of Christians being weak, close-minded fools.  Well you are a puppet of the enemy, being used to spread the same lie that he has been spreading for a while.  My heart breaks for you because you are the one who is blind and in captivity by the enemy as a tool for his deceptive plan.  My anger is not at you, but at your king.
As Lecrea put it best, you want to be a real rebel, read your Bible and follow Jesus because no one is doing that these days.  Go against what the world says you must be in order to find worth and find your confidence in Christ.  Jesus was the ultimate rebel, renegade and outlaw.  He loved, he rebuked, he spoke the truth without fear, he died and overcame death!  That is MY JESUS! That is who I am following!  And He is coming back with a tattoo on his thigh and a sword from his mouth to complete his rescue plan and put an end to the lies once and for all.  That is my Jesus!  That is my King! The King of Kings! 

Dear Ezra (again),

My sweet Ezra,

Little one you are already bringing the Lord so much glory and you have yet to take your first breath!  Last Thursday(June 14) I went to see you on our big 32 week ultrasound.  I caught a glimpse of your sweet little face but you still wouldn't show the whole thing.  I guess you are keeping your good looks a surprise until they lay you on my chest.  They did say that you have hair so I am very excited to see how much!  According to my heart burn you should come out looking like Fabio, but lets hope not lol. 
After the ultrasound I went into the rfoom to see my doctor.  She had some concerns because you went from being in the 50th percentile in size to the 15th percentile.  You weighed 3.15 lbs. which was not much of an increase since your last measurements.  She was concerned that since your growth rate had slowed so much that something may be wrong with the placenta and she told me to cut my activity in half and increase my calorie intake.  If your growth continued to slow then I would have to be on strict bed rest and would probably have to be induced early because if the placenta was bad then you would, in essence, be starving in my womb.  She sent me back to see the specialist in a week for a further look.  Well, needless to say, that was not the news mommy wanted to hear.  I immediately began getting pounded by the enemy with feelings of guilt for not resting more and eating 'too healthy'.  Thankfully, after talking to your daddy he called that stupid devil out pretty quickly and spoke wisdom and life into my heart.
The first day I was just sad feeling and went home and slept.  After the clouds in my mind cleared, I knew that this was another opportunity for me to believe the gospel over my flesh.  I had prayed for you every day, and from the moment he placed your little being in my womb, He has given me a peace that you were going to be completely healthy.  When you had the cysts on your brain, I knew you were okay and this time was no different.  As I sat at his feet, he poured out his presence on me.  My heart laid bare before him, I asked him to once again make you completely healthy.  You are his creation, not mine.  I asked him to forgive my moments of doubt, and told him that I believe with all my heart that you are going to be perfectly healthy.  Not because of some magical prayer I have prayed, but because I felt that that was His will from the beginning.  But no matter what the outcome I trust Him.  I asked him to speak to my heart and give me ears to hear exactly what he wanted to say to my heart.  As I opened his word he led me to Mark 11:24 "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."  I knew that was exactly what He wanted to say.  Not because of any amount of faith I could conjure up, but only because the Holy Spirit in me knows the will of God and it was in agreement with every prayer that I had lifted up for you.  Because any faith that I have is only there because God has given it to me.  Because my health, and your health is not the highlight of this story.  Regardless of the outcome, through tears or joy, my hearts desire is for His perfect will to be done.. because it's just that.. perfect.  This story is not about me or my family.  It's about Him.  To display his infinite power, mercy, love and grace in a story called the gospel and I am just so blessed to get to be a part of it.  Thank you Jesus for those sweet words.  From that moment on, any opportunity for fear or doubt was completely cast out and I walked in complete peace and freedom knowing that my Daddy's got this. 
Well today has been a week since I received that news.  I woke up this morning with the song  "Your Love Never Fails" stuck in my head.  I worshipped all the way to the specialists office.  As your Daddy and I sat in there and the ultrasound tech  began to perform the scan, we noticed that she seemed to be taking the measurements over and over of your belly and your head.  After measuring at least 3 or 4 times she said very puzzled "Well, I am measuring him to be 5 and a half pounds, I have measured many times to make sure it was accurate but according to this he has gained a pound and a half in a week which would put him in the 56th percentile".  So in the matter of one week you went from the 15th percentile to the 56th which is unheard of!  Needless to say, I could not stop laughing!  I looked over at your daddy and we both had the biggest grin on our faces and immediately began giving God glory!  Little one, you are already being used to bring the King glory.  He is the God of the unexplainable!  I am overwhelmed with excitement to see in what other ways He is going to put His glory on display in your little life!  I am so thankful to be your mommy Ezra Daniel.  I cannot wait to see your sweet little face, kiss your chubby cheeks and look into the eyes of an answered prayer.  Each child God has graced your daddy and I with, has been an answer to a specific prayer.  You each were asked specifically for and he has displayed an outpouring of his love and power through each of you.  Don't ever question the greatness of our God.  Don't ever doubt His power and goodness not matter what circumstances you may face in your life.  I pray that you love Him with every fiber of your little being and that you chase after him with reckless abandon.  There is nothing like Him sweet one. 

Isaiah 26:3-4
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord is an everlasting rock."

happy anniversary

Seven years ago today, a very insecure, hard-headed and broken young lady carried all of her baggage down the isle to marry a very insecure, hard-headed and broken young man both in all sorts of bondage. Looking back at that scene I cant help but almost choke thinking of how differently things could have turned out. But God. In our hearts we loved one another as much as we were able at that time but we had absolutely no idea what we were doing. I knew that Luke was the man that I was supposed to marry. I just had no clue what the next seven years would hold. We loved one another passionately but were walking into marriage with very little bricks to build a house with. Both very ignorant as to what a gospel marriage looked like. We said I do and God began the refinement process which has been so extremely painful at times, but freeing and fulfilling like nothing else. God uncovered lies, betrayals, fears, hurts, bitterness, anger, guilts, insecurities and many, many more sins that had entangled the both of us only to leave two hearts humbly bare seeking to be reconciled and healed like only the Father can. Some of my greatest fears became my reality but God was faithful to stand us back on our feet and rock our world with the healing power and strength in his mighty hands. What Satan intended to destroy, God used to build our faith in him and love for one another. Sitting here today I can thankfully say that I love this man more than I ever thought possible. I have watched the Lord perform a miracle in his heart and He has graciously allowed me to be a part of it. I treasure that bond more today than ever.

God has used Luke to teach me so many things. How through my trust in Christ I can trust my husband. To allow my heart to be vulnerable, even though I was scared to death, because I know that's the way I am called to love him. One of the greatest things he has taught me through my marriage with Luke is how to let him love me. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but those were unfamiliar shoes to me. That goes hand in hand with being vulnerable, but I have always taken the martyr role in my important relationships. To allow someone else to see my innermost pains and fears and still love me was frightening to say the least. That was a place only Jesus saw because I have never trusted anyone else. He has blessed me with a husband who has become a safe place in this rough and painful world.

We both sit back and marvel at the work of redemption Jesus has done in each of us and in our marriage. It is incredible. In the past, I would see and hear the love stories of young couples who remained pure and seemed to have done it "right". I would find myself genuinely happy for these couples, but also feeling very condemned and guilty that we hadn't done it "right". Neither of us were pure when we were married and really had absolutely no idea why we should remain pure except that that's what we grew up hearing. We walked around for years in condemnation and guilt for our past mistakes. Until, just like the bleeding woman who was healed by touching the cloak of Jesus, I realized I had been made clean a long time ago and it was high time I forgave myself. There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. Thank you Lord. He has shown us what the Bible actually says about sex and what it was created for, undoing years of lies we had been fed by media and society. Now, I understand that we all have a different story. I know it was not God's desire for Luke and I to make those past mistakes, but you better believe Christ died for each of them and now uses them for His glory. It may not have been the easiest road that we have walked, but we have seen first hand the magnificence of God and for that I wouldn't have it any other way! He has united us together in Him more solid and strong through the weathered storms. I stand here today looking back at that girl who married that boy.. both unrecognizable to us.. only to the glory of God. I wouldn't trade our story for anything, because after all, its not a story about us. It has Soli Deo gloria written over it with His handwriting.

Joshua Luke Richardson,

I cant say enough how thankful I am that God chose me to be your wife. Your helper. Your love for the Father and your passion for his word is the greatest gift I have as your wife. The way you love me is second. Thank you for fighting for me, for us. Thank you for loving our children and for your commitment to leading them in love to Jesus. You amaze me. Thank you for being my safe place. I love you more today than I ever thought I could and I am so incredibly excited to see what the next chapter of this story he is writing holds. I am honored to share this life with you and pray that He gives me the strength and wisdom to love you and serve you the way he has called me to. I love you forever.

Lissa Gayle

rest

Isaiah 26:3-4
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.

Our life is busier than ever before.  I fight for time to rest.  The chaos that fills my calendar days is nothing compared to the chaos inside my mind.  When this happens I quickly find myself broken before the Lord, begging him for help.  Life never stops.  I am surrounded by takers and very few givers which makes it imperative that I retreat and be filled up after being poured out.  That is exactly what Jesus did.  He was literally surrounded by thousands of takers.  Over and over we see him retreat to a quiet place to pray and be with His Father.  My ministry as wife, mom, friend, gospeler, pre-k leader, community group leader, discipleship leader is nothing to what he endured during his ministry and yet over and over I find myself whining to him about being tired.  His answer, "rest" (I love His heart and how simple he keeps it for this simple heart).  If Jesus needed it then I certainly do!  The truth is, when I neglect this I am not only hurting myself and being unfruitful but I am being disobedient.  His law is perfect and I delight in it, not because I love laws but because it is from our loving Father who knows how life works best and what we need.  Just when I feel like I am about to suffocate and I cant go on, He is faithful to remind this wandering heart of this truth.  Rest.  I will never be the woman he has called me to be until I get this.  I repent from my disobedience and am committed to seeking after his heart and shutting down my mind and busyness so that I can stay in complete peace and in communion with my love.  Without that, all this 'stuff' is meaningless.  It's all for Him and about Him. 

Sweet Lord,
May you reign on the throne of my mind today and every day.  May this worker never work out of routine, but out of the fruitfulness of your spirit living inside me.  May it never be out of my strength but only that power that comes from walking in you.  Keep me in perfect peace, for my trust, my hope and my love is all in you.  Thank you again for your mercy and faithfulness.  For never giving up on me but constantly pruning, refining and molding this heart to look more like you.  That is my heart's desire.  No matter what fire that may bring.  Refine me because I know there is no other place I will be content in.  Thank you.

a day in the journey

It has been pressed upon my heart to make note of this journey in which God is taken me on.  I cannot express how extremely vulnerable I feel and I am not sure why.  After all, I trust Him.  Maybe I shudder at what I might discover.  But in a good, exhilarating, jump off a cliff kind of way.  These past few days as I sit at His feet I can hardly contain myself.  I just weep.  I weep in response to the words He keeps whispering to my heart.  The words "I love you".  I was reading through the pages of Ephesians and my heart felt as if it was about to explode.  Why is this so difficult for me to get or feel?  Up until a couple years ago, I could barely say the words "God loves me".  I just don't understand how He could.  I want to understand, I want to feel it, to grasp it but there is something inside of me that is almost fearful of it.  He has begun to pull back the layers that have kept me from being able to really feel his love and it is borderline frightening.  It is that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you are standing at the edge of a cliff, looking into depths in which you cannot see the bottom, about to jump.  My mind keeps trying to make sense of this.  "Of course I know God loves me, duh".  I think up until this point I have known that God loves me, but I haven't KNOWN his love.  I know this journey has been brought on by the recent drudging up of the rejection of my mother.  For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with allowing people to love me.  I have felt unworthy and undeserving and I just learned to accept that.  I would do all the loving, but don't try to love me back.  That would mean that my heart was vulnerable again and open to rejection.  I have built walls and walls around my heart in order to keep that from happening.  I would serve, love and forgive others but to be able to accept love in return makes me so uncomfortable.  Honestly, it's foreign to me.  God showed me this issue first in my marriage.  It is so difficult for me to let Luke love me.  Over the course of our relationship I assumed the role that I was most comfortable at.  I loved him, he would screw up, I would forgive him and then love and serve him, once again being the hero.  But never ever allowing him to gain complete access to my heart.  Nope, that was reserved for Jesus only because after all, he is the only one who has never betrayed me.  When the Lord revealed this to me, I began to pray for healing in this area of our marriage.  Well apparently, in order for me to be able to allow Luke to love me I first have to truly know the love of God (who woulda thought right?).  Deep in my heart I long to see and understand how the Lord sees me.  I know that his word says that when he looks at me he sees Jesus but I want to feel that.  I desire to be as close to the Lord as one possibly can while walking this planet.  That has been my prayer.  I know this is a journey to that next level of intimacy with the Him.  I am so excited to see what he is gonna do with the mess of a heart.  He makes beauty from ashes. 
Ephesians 2:4-9, 3:14-21 

wounded heart-healing heart

These past few months have been a struggle to say the least.  God is doing an amazing work in my heart and of course, no surprise Satan has amped up his attack on me.  What Satan doesn't seem to get is the more he attacks, the more he pushes me to the arms of my Savior who in turn shows himself faithful to strengthen and revive my soul.  I can see so clearly Satan's strategy.  It's the same card he always pulls when God brings me to a whole new level in my walk with him.  Family.  This heart bears some very deep wounds that have been scabbed over for years and within a matter of seconds they were all ripped open and once again I was left to deal with a bleeding heart.  I was under the impression that I was over all of this, that I had dealt with it and moved on.  At the sight of her blood shot eyes, her staggering stance and the smell of stale liquor even after all of these years, all of those feelings came flooding back except this time it was much more intense.  The rejection, the abandonment, the lack of love from the one person who is suppose to love me more than anyone.  I am almost 28 years old and at that moment I was a child again.  All of the anger and frustration exploded in my heart as it did so many times before.  I don't know why it was so much more intense than ever before.  Maybe because I have since become a mother myself and as I stare in the eyes of my children I can't imagine choosing a selfish escape to alcohol over fighting for them.  I am not one to candy-coat anything.  My view of life is pretty literal and practical.  I don't tell myself lies in order to soften the blow.  I am an 'it is what it is' kind of girl.  And the truth is she does not love me and never has.  I believe she desires to love me, she has affection for me and loves the idea of me but she does not love me.  That hurts.  I have walked around my whole life with this rejection.  It has affected choices I have made as a teen that I absolutely regret.  It has affected the way I see myself and my view of God.  I have battled the demon of insecurity for as long as I can remember.  I have never been enough.  I am not blaming her for these things, because I am responsible for every decision I have ever made all I am saying is walking around in this world with anger, bitterness, rejection and worthlessness has a major affect on your perspective.  But God has changed so much of that.  I have tasted victory over all of these things and that makes my enemy very angry.  This was his opportunity and he took it.  It felt like a sucker punch to the stomach.  After the series of events I was left with all of those feelings again and this time, instead of gritting my teeth and pushing through like I had always done before.  I ran to the feet of my Savior, my safe place, and laid my bleeding heart bare before him, knowing that only He could heal me.  I was reminded of the story of the bleeding lady in the crowd who reached up and touched the cloak of Jesus' garment because she knew if she could just touch him, she would be healed.  He called her daughter, and she was healed.  I began to see that anger creep back and over the past week I have lacked the peace that I usually have in Him.  I am so thankful that He opened my eyes to see it and came to my rescue.  It is so difficult for me to admit this hurts me, I don't know why, but it is.  But I know He knows my heart before I utter a word.  He knows how I have dealt with this in the past and He has better plans in store for me.  You see, what Satan intended to knock me down, God is using to build me up.  He allowed this to come back into my life and rip open all these old wounds only so that He can heal them for good.  I know that He has a plan for me in women's ministry, He has shown that to me clearly and quite frankly I feel like the most retarded candidate for the job because of how screwed up every important woman relationship is in my life.  They have all walked out on me, they have all hurt me deeply and rejected me only to leave me jaded and angry (He's changing that too by the way).  That is his way though, and I love it.  He uses the absolute weakest to do His work so that He receives the glory.  I love His ways.  He is teaching me when to love, let go and move on without guilt.  I by no means have this figured out, He has me on incredibly painful yet rewarding journey.  I know through every tear He has been and is there and He is faithful to bring this work that He has started to completion.  I feel more vulnerable now than I have ever felt in my life and it scares the pants off of me but I know I am safe in His arms.  I know this is so choppy and jumbled up because there is such a magnitude of growth going on in me, there are no words to convey it all. In all of the circumstances and pains it all points back to one thing.  I have a Father who loves me, who accepts me, who has called me daughter, who is faithful and that is ALL I need. 

Sweet Lord,
Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for calling me yours, not because of anything good I have done but only because of grace.  Thank you for allowing me to experience every stitch of rejection so to be found excepted by you.  Thank you for allowing me to experience abandonment so to be adopted as your daughter.  Thank you for every lack of love from those who have failed so to see how deep your love runs for me.  You know these wounds.  Heal me sweet Jesus.  My heart is yours and only yours.  Thank you for bringing me to a place of complete dependence on you so to see your faithfulness time and time again.  I love you. I pray my life says that each and every day. 

a dead city who thinks it's alive

One of the biggest deceptions in our culture is the sense of false security.  A people fed the lie that because they said this specific prayer, walked the isle and attend church every week that they are good and they have all they need when really all they have is an empty religion and a weekly ritual.  We pray these prayers and tell these people that because they say these magic words their lives will be forever changed and then we drop them like a bad habit.  There is never any life change.  There is never any fruit.  Jesus said go make disciples.  This requires time invested in those whom Christ has called.  Christ was the perfect example.  He had his disciples who lived with him.  They studied under him, they watched his every move and when Christ gave them the great commission, these men were not perfect, but they knew Jesus.  He didn't say "Hey Simon Peter, come pray this prayer, fill out this card and you're all good brother! Good luck figuring it all out!"  We have fattened our egos with big numbers all the while starving the body of Christ.  I look around in my city and it is filled with people who really believe this is all there is to the gospel.  They think they are good, they got their fire insurance.  Hear me when I say being a Christian is not linked to being southern!  Christianity has become a bible-belt southern thing. This personally, drives me crazy.  The mentality is "Well of course I'm a Christian!  I go to church every Sunday and most of the time Wednesday (followed by an eatin' meetin' afterwards), I tithe my ten percent and serve on all the important committees, plus I have a southern accent!" This deception is all a plan of the enemy.  If he can trick you into believing you are really a Christian without really knowing Jesus then he accomplishes two things.  One, is you, in fact, are not a true follower of Christ because there has never been a submission to His authority over your heart and life (i.e. no life change) and two, you are a false representation of who Jesus is to other non-believers.  You carry the name of Jesus but have no idea who he is and therefore live a dead life, wearing his name in vain. I know this may seem very harsh and well, you're right it is.  But the fact is I'm angry about it.  I'm angry at the watered down religion I was fed and I'm angry its created a dead city who thinks they are alive.  Really and truly, if you know Him then this should tick you off too.  Here is the encouragement, we have the truth at our fingertips in His holy word.  Seek Him, obey Him and abide in Him and He will do the rest. We cannot do this alone (thank goodness because I fail miserably at discipleship) with a willing and obedient heart, Christ is glorified.

Now, do you really know Him?