These past few months have been a struggle to say the least. God is doing an amazing work in my heart and of course, no surprise Satan has amped up his attack on me. What Satan doesn't seem to get is the more he attacks, the more he pushes me to the arms of my Savior who in turn shows himself faithful to strengthen and revive my soul. I can see so clearly Satan's strategy. It's the same card he always pulls when God brings me to a whole new level in my walk with him. Family. This heart bears some very deep wounds that have been scabbed over for years and within a matter of seconds they were all ripped open and once again I was left to deal with a bleeding heart. I was under the impression that I was over all of this, that I had dealt with it and moved on. At the sight of her blood shot eyes, her staggering stance and the smell of stale liquor even after all of these years, all of those feelings came flooding back except this time it was much more intense. The rejection, the abandonment, the lack of love from the one person who is suppose to love me more than anyone. I am almost 28 years old and at that moment I was a child again. All of the anger and frustration exploded in my heart as it did so many times before. I don't know why it was so much more intense than ever before. Maybe because I have since become a mother myself and as I stare in the eyes of my children I can't imagine choosing a selfish escape to alcohol over fighting for them. I am not one to candy-coat anything. My view of life is pretty literal and practical. I don't tell myself lies in order to soften the blow. I am an 'it is what it is' kind of girl. And the truth is she does not love me and never has. I believe she desires to love me, she has affection for me and loves the idea of me but she does not love me. That hurts. I have walked around my whole life with this rejection. It has affected choices I have made as a teen that I absolutely regret. It has affected the way I see myself and my view of God. I have battled the demon of insecurity for as long as I can remember. I have never been enough. I am not blaming her for these things, because I am responsible for every decision I have ever made all I am saying is walking around in this world with anger, bitterness, rejection and worthlessness has a major affect on your perspective. But God has changed so much of that. I have tasted victory over all of these things and that makes my enemy very angry. This was his opportunity and he took it. It felt like a sucker punch to the stomach. After the series of events I was left with all of those feelings again and this time, instead of gritting my teeth and pushing through like I had always done before. I ran to the feet of my Savior, my safe place, and laid my bleeding heart bare before him, knowing that only He could heal me. I was reminded of the story of the bleeding lady in the crowd who reached up and touched the cloak of Jesus' garment because she knew if she could just touch him, she would be healed. He called her daughter, and she was healed. I began to see that anger creep back and over the past week I have lacked the peace that I usually have in Him. I am so thankful that He opened my eyes to see it and came to my rescue. It is so difficult for me to admit this hurts me, I don't know why, but it is. But I know He knows my heart before I utter a word. He knows how I have dealt with this in the past and He has better plans in store for me. You see, what Satan intended to knock me down, God is using to build me up. He allowed this to come back into my life and rip open all these old wounds only so that He can heal them for good. I know that He has a plan for me in women's ministry, He has shown that to me clearly and quite frankly I feel like the most retarded candidate for the job because of how screwed up every important woman relationship is in my life. They have all walked out on me, they have all hurt me deeply and rejected me only to leave me jaded and angry (He's changing that too by the way). That is his way though, and I love it. He uses the absolute weakest to do His work so that He receives the glory. I love His ways. He is teaching me when to love, let go and move on without guilt. I by no means have this figured out, He has me on incredibly painful yet rewarding journey. I know through every tear He has been and is there and He is faithful to bring this work that He has started to completion. I feel more vulnerable now than I have ever felt in my life and it scares the pants off of me but I know I am safe in His arms. I know this is so choppy and jumbled up because there is such a magnitude of growth going on in me, there are no words to convey it all. In all of the circumstances and pains it all points back to one thing. I have a Father who loves me, who accepts me, who has called me daughter, who is faithful and that is ALL I need.
Sweet Lord,
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for calling me yours, not because of anything good I have done but only because of grace. Thank you for allowing me to experience every stitch of rejection so to be found excepted by you. Thank you for allowing me to experience abandonment so to be adopted as your daughter. Thank you for every lack of love from those who have failed so to see how deep your love runs for me. You know these wounds. Heal me sweet Jesus. My heart is yours and only yours. Thank you for bringing me to a place of complete dependence on you so to see your faithfulness time and time again. I love you. I pray my life says that each and every day.
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