It has been pressed upon my heart to make note of this journey in which God is taken me on. I cannot express how extremely vulnerable I feel and I am not sure why. After all, I trust Him. Maybe I shudder at what I might discover. But in a good, exhilarating, jump off a cliff kind of way. These past few days as I sit at His feet I can hardly contain myself. I just weep. I weep in response to the words He keeps whispering to my heart. The words "I love you". I was reading through the pages of Ephesians and my heart felt as if it was about to explode. Why is this so difficult for me to get or feel? Up until a couple years ago, I could barely say the words "God loves me". I just don't understand how He could. I want to understand, I want to feel it, to grasp it but there is something inside of me that is almost fearful of it. He has begun to pull back the layers that have kept me from being able to really feel his love and it is borderline frightening. It is that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you are standing at the edge of a cliff, looking into depths in which you cannot see the bottom, about to jump. My mind keeps trying to make sense of this. "Of course I know God loves me, duh". I think up until this point I have known that God loves me, but I haven't KNOWN his love. I know this journey has been brought on by the recent drudging up of the rejection of my mother. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with allowing people to love me. I have felt unworthy and undeserving and I just learned to accept that. I would do all the loving, but don't try to love me back. That would mean that my heart was vulnerable again and open to rejection. I have built walls and walls around my heart in order to keep that from happening. I would serve, love and forgive others but to be able to accept love in return makes me so uncomfortable. Honestly, it's foreign to me. God showed me this issue first in my marriage. It is so difficult for me to let Luke love me. Over the course of our relationship I assumed the role that I was most comfortable at. I loved him, he would screw up, I would forgive him and then love and serve him, once again being the hero. But never ever allowing him to gain complete access to my heart. Nope, that was reserved for Jesus only because after all, he is the only one who has never betrayed me. When the Lord revealed this to me, I began to pray for healing in this area of our marriage. Well apparently, in order for me to be able to allow Luke to love me I first have to truly know the love of God (who woulda thought right?). Deep in my heart I long to see and understand how the Lord sees me. I know that his word says that when he looks at me he sees Jesus but I want to feel that. I desire to be as close to the Lord as one possibly can while walking this planet. That has been my prayer. I know this is a journey to that next level of intimacy with the Him. I am so excited to see what he is gonna do with the mess of a heart. He makes beauty from ashes.
Ephesians 2:4-9, 3:14-21
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