happy anniversary

Seven years ago today, a very insecure, hard-headed and broken young lady carried all of her baggage down the isle to marry a very insecure, hard-headed and broken young man both in all sorts of bondage. Looking back at that scene I cant help but almost choke thinking of how differently things could have turned out. But God. In our hearts we loved one another as much as we were able at that time but we had absolutely no idea what we were doing. I knew that Luke was the man that I was supposed to marry. I just had no clue what the next seven years would hold. We loved one another passionately but were walking into marriage with very little bricks to build a house with. Both very ignorant as to what a gospel marriage looked like. We said I do and God began the refinement process which has been so extremely painful at times, but freeing and fulfilling like nothing else. God uncovered lies, betrayals, fears, hurts, bitterness, anger, guilts, insecurities and many, many more sins that had entangled the both of us only to leave two hearts humbly bare seeking to be reconciled and healed like only the Father can. Some of my greatest fears became my reality but God was faithful to stand us back on our feet and rock our world with the healing power and strength in his mighty hands. What Satan intended to destroy, God used to build our faith in him and love for one another. Sitting here today I can thankfully say that I love this man more than I ever thought possible. I have watched the Lord perform a miracle in his heart and He has graciously allowed me to be a part of it. I treasure that bond more today than ever.

God has used Luke to teach me so many things. How through my trust in Christ I can trust my husband. To allow my heart to be vulnerable, even though I was scared to death, because I know that's the way I am called to love him. One of the greatest things he has taught me through my marriage with Luke is how to let him love me. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but those were unfamiliar shoes to me. That goes hand in hand with being vulnerable, but I have always taken the martyr role in my important relationships. To allow someone else to see my innermost pains and fears and still love me was frightening to say the least. That was a place only Jesus saw because I have never trusted anyone else. He has blessed me with a husband who has become a safe place in this rough and painful world.

We both sit back and marvel at the work of redemption Jesus has done in each of us and in our marriage. It is incredible. In the past, I would see and hear the love stories of young couples who remained pure and seemed to have done it "right". I would find myself genuinely happy for these couples, but also feeling very condemned and guilty that we hadn't done it "right". Neither of us were pure when we were married and really had absolutely no idea why we should remain pure except that that's what we grew up hearing. We walked around for years in condemnation and guilt for our past mistakes. Until, just like the bleeding woman who was healed by touching the cloak of Jesus, I realized I had been made clean a long time ago and it was high time I forgave myself. There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. Thank you Lord. He has shown us what the Bible actually says about sex and what it was created for, undoing years of lies we had been fed by media and society. Now, I understand that we all have a different story. I know it was not God's desire for Luke and I to make those past mistakes, but you better believe Christ died for each of them and now uses them for His glory. It may not have been the easiest road that we have walked, but we have seen first hand the magnificence of God and for that I wouldn't have it any other way! He has united us together in Him more solid and strong through the weathered storms. I stand here today looking back at that girl who married that boy.. both unrecognizable to us.. only to the glory of God. I wouldn't trade our story for anything, because after all, its not a story about us. It has Soli Deo gloria written over it with His handwriting.

Joshua Luke Richardson,

I cant say enough how thankful I am that God chose me to be your wife. Your helper. Your love for the Father and your passion for his word is the greatest gift I have as your wife. The way you love me is second. Thank you for fighting for me, for us. Thank you for loving our children and for your commitment to leading them in love to Jesus. You amaze me. Thank you for being my safe place. I love you more today than I ever thought I could and I am so incredibly excited to see what the next chapter of this story he is writing holds. I am honored to share this life with you and pray that He gives me the strength and wisdom to love you and serve you the way he has called me to. I love you forever.

Lissa Gayle

rest

Isaiah 26:3-4
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.

Our life is busier than ever before.  I fight for time to rest.  The chaos that fills my calendar days is nothing compared to the chaos inside my mind.  When this happens I quickly find myself broken before the Lord, begging him for help.  Life never stops.  I am surrounded by takers and very few givers which makes it imperative that I retreat and be filled up after being poured out.  That is exactly what Jesus did.  He was literally surrounded by thousands of takers.  Over and over we see him retreat to a quiet place to pray and be with His Father.  My ministry as wife, mom, friend, gospeler, pre-k leader, community group leader, discipleship leader is nothing to what he endured during his ministry and yet over and over I find myself whining to him about being tired.  His answer, "rest" (I love His heart and how simple he keeps it for this simple heart).  If Jesus needed it then I certainly do!  The truth is, when I neglect this I am not only hurting myself and being unfruitful but I am being disobedient.  His law is perfect and I delight in it, not because I love laws but because it is from our loving Father who knows how life works best and what we need.  Just when I feel like I am about to suffocate and I cant go on, He is faithful to remind this wandering heart of this truth.  Rest.  I will never be the woman he has called me to be until I get this.  I repent from my disobedience and am committed to seeking after his heart and shutting down my mind and busyness so that I can stay in complete peace and in communion with my love.  Without that, all this 'stuff' is meaningless.  It's all for Him and about Him. 

Sweet Lord,
May you reign on the throne of my mind today and every day.  May this worker never work out of routine, but out of the fruitfulness of your spirit living inside me.  May it never be out of my strength but only that power that comes from walking in you.  Keep me in perfect peace, for my trust, my hope and my love is all in you.  Thank you again for your mercy and faithfulness.  For never giving up on me but constantly pruning, refining and molding this heart to look more like you.  That is my heart's desire.  No matter what fire that may bring.  Refine me because I know there is no other place I will be content in.  Thank you.

a day in the journey

It has been pressed upon my heart to make note of this journey in which God is taken me on.  I cannot express how extremely vulnerable I feel and I am not sure why.  After all, I trust Him.  Maybe I shudder at what I might discover.  But in a good, exhilarating, jump off a cliff kind of way.  These past few days as I sit at His feet I can hardly contain myself.  I just weep.  I weep in response to the words He keeps whispering to my heart.  The words "I love you".  I was reading through the pages of Ephesians and my heart felt as if it was about to explode.  Why is this so difficult for me to get or feel?  Up until a couple years ago, I could barely say the words "God loves me".  I just don't understand how He could.  I want to understand, I want to feel it, to grasp it but there is something inside of me that is almost fearful of it.  He has begun to pull back the layers that have kept me from being able to really feel his love and it is borderline frightening.  It is that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you are standing at the edge of a cliff, looking into depths in which you cannot see the bottom, about to jump.  My mind keeps trying to make sense of this.  "Of course I know God loves me, duh".  I think up until this point I have known that God loves me, but I haven't KNOWN his love.  I know this journey has been brought on by the recent drudging up of the rejection of my mother.  For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with allowing people to love me.  I have felt unworthy and undeserving and I just learned to accept that.  I would do all the loving, but don't try to love me back.  That would mean that my heart was vulnerable again and open to rejection.  I have built walls and walls around my heart in order to keep that from happening.  I would serve, love and forgive others but to be able to accept love in return makes me so uncomfortable.  Honestly, it's foreign to me.  God showed me this issue first in my marriage.  It is so difficult for me to let Luke love me.  Over the course of our relationship I assumed the role that I was most comfortable at.  I loved him, he would screw up, I would forgive him and then love and serve him, once again being the hero.  But never ever allowing him to gain complete access to my heart.  Nope, that was reserved for Jesus only because after all, he is the only one who has never betrayed me.  When the Lord revealed this to me, I began to pray for healing in this area of our marriage.  Well apparently, in order for me to be able to allow Luke to love me I first have to truly know the love of God (who woulda thought right?).  Deep in my heart I long to see and understand how the Lord sees me.  I know that his word says that when he looks at me he sees Jesus but I want to feel that.  I desire to be as close to the Lord as one possibly can while walking this planet.  That has been my prayer.  I know this is a journey to that next level of intimacy with the Him.  I am so excited to see what he is gonna do with the mess of a heart.  He makes beauty from ashes. 
Ephesians 2:4-9, 3:14-21 

wounded heart-healing heart

These past few months have been a struggle to say the least.  God is doing an amazing work in my heart and of course, no surprise Satan has amped up his attack on me.  What Satan doesn't seem to get is the more he attacks, the more he pushes me to the arms of my Savior who in turn shows himself faithful to strengthen and revive my soul.  I can see so clearly Satan's strategy.  It's the same card he always pulls when God brings me to a whole new level in my walk with him.  Family.  This heart bears some very deep wounds that have been scabbed over for years and within a matter of seconds they were all ripped open and once again I was left to deal with a bleeding heart.  I was under the impression that I was over all of this, that I had dealt with it and moved on.  At the sight of her blood shot eyes, her staggering stance and the smell of stale liquor even after all of these years, all of those feelings came flooding back except this time it was much more intense.  The rejection, the abandonment, the lack of love from the one person who is suppose to love me more than anyone.  I am almost 28 years old and at that moment I was a child again.  All of the anger and frustration exploded in my heart as it did so many times before.  I don't know why it was so much more intense than ever before.  Maybe because I have since become a mother myself and as I stare in the eyes of my children I can't imagine choosing a selfish escape to alcohol over fighting for them.  I am not one to candy-coat anything.  My view of life is pretty literal and practical.  I don't tell myself lies in order to soften the blow.  I am an 'it is what it is' kind of girl.  And the truth is she does not love me and never has.  I believe she desires to love me, she has affection for me and loves the idea of me but she does not love me.  That hurts.  I have walked around my whole life with this rejection.  It has affected choices I have made as a teen that I absolutely regret.  It has affected the way I see myself and my view of God.  I have battled the demon of insecurity for as long as I can remember.  I have never been enough.  I am not blaming her for these things, because I am responsible for every decision I have ever made all I am saying is walking around in this world with anger, bitterness, rejection and worthlessness has a major affect on your perspective.  But God has changed so much of that.  I have tasted victory over all of these things and that makes my enemy very angry.  This was his opportunity and he took it.  It felt like a sucker punch to the stomach.  After the series of events I was left with all of those feelings again and this time, instead of gritting my teeth and pushing through like I had always done before.  I ran to the feet of my Savior, my safe place, and laid my bleeding heart bare before him, knowing that only He could heal me.  I was reminded of the story of the bleeding lady in the crowd who reached up and touched the cloak of Jesus' garment because she knew if she could just touch him, she would be healed.  He called her daughter, and she was healed.  I began to see that anger creep back and over the past week I have lacked the peace that I usually have in Him.  I am so thankful that He opened my eyes to see it and came to my rescue.  It is so difficult for me to admit this hurts me, I don't know why, but it is.  But I know He knows my heart before I utter a word.  He knows how I have dealt with this in the past and He has better plans in store for me.  You see, what Satan intended to knock me down, God is using to build me up.  He allowed this to come back into my life and rip open all these old wounds only so that He can heal them for good.  I know that He has a plan for me in women's ministry, He has shown that to me clearly and quite frankly I feel like the most retarded candidate for the job because of how screwed up every important woman relationship is in my life.  They have all walked out on me, they have all hurt me deeply and rejected me only to leave me jaded and angry (He's changing that too by the way).  That is his way though, and I love it.  He uses the absolute weakest to do His work so that He receives the glory.  I love His ways.  He is teaching me when to love, let go and move on without guilt.  I by no means have this figured out, He has me on incredibly painful yet rewarding journey.  I know through every tear He has been and is there and He is faithful to bring this work that He has started to completion.  I feel more vulnerable now than I have ever felt in my life and it scares the pants off of me but I know I am safe in His arms.  I know this is so choppy and jumbled up because there is such a magnitude of growth going on in me, there are no words to convey it all. In all of the circumstances and pains it all points back to one thing.  I have a Father who loves me, who accepts me, who has called me daughter, who is faithful and that is ALL I need. 

Sweet Lord,
Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for calling me yours, not because of anything good I have done but only because of grace.  Thank you for allowing me to experience every stitch of rejection so to be found excepted by you.  Thank you for allowing me to experience abandonment so to be adopted as your daughter.  Thank you for every lack of love from those who have failed so to see how deep your love runs for me.  You know these wounds.  Heal me sweet Jesus.  My heart is yours and only yours.  Thank you for bringing me to a place of complete dependence on you so to see your faithfulness time and time again.  I love you. I pray my life says that each and every day. 

a dead city who thinks it's alive

One of the biggest deceptions in our culture is the sense of false security.  A people fed the lie that because they said this specific prayer, walked the isle and attend church every week that they are good and they have all they need when really all they have is an empty religion and a weekly ritual.  We pray these prayers and tell these people that because they say these magic words their lives will be forever changed and then we drop them like a bad habit.  There is never any life change.  There is never any fruit.  Jesus said go make disciples.  This requires time invested in those whom Christ has called.  Christ was the perfect example.  He had his disciples who lived with him.  They studied under him, they watched his every move and when Christ gave them the great commission, these men were not perfect, but they knew Jesus.  He didn't say "Hey Simon Peter, come pray this prayer, fill out this card and you're all good brother! Good luck figuring it all out!"  We have fattened our egos with big numbers all the while starving the body of Christ.  I look around in my city and it is filled with people who really believe this is all there is to the gospel.  They think they are good, they got their fire insurance.  Hear me when I say being a Christian is not linked to being southern!  Christianity has become a bible-belt southern thing. This personally, drives me crazy.  The mentality is "Well of course I'm a Christian!  I go to church every Sunday and most of the time Wednesday (followed by an eatin' meetin' afterwards), I tithe my ten percent and serve on all the important committees, plus I have a southern accent!" This deception is all a plan of the enemy.  If he can trick you into believing you are really a Christian without really knowing Jesus then he accomplishes two things.  One, is you, in fact, are not a true follower of Christ because there has never been a submission to His authority over your heart and life (i.e. no life change) and two, you are a false representation of who Jesus is to other non-believers.  You carry the name of Jesus but have no idea who he is and therefore live a dead life, wearing his name in vain. I know this may seem very harsh and well, you're right it is.  But the fact is I'm angry about it.  I'm angry at the watered down religion I was fed and I'm angry its created a dead city who thinks they are alive.  Really and truly, if you know Him then this should tick you off too.  Here is the encouragement, we have the truth at our fingertips in His holy word.  Seek Him, obey Him and abide in Him and He will do the rest. We cannot do this alone (thank goodness because I fail miserably at discipleship) with a willing and obedient heart, Christ is glorified.

Now, do you really know Him?

Calvinism, Arminianism.... Labelism

I don't like labels. It seems that everywhere I go lately all I hear is the debate between Calvinism and Arminianism. While I firmly believe there is but ONE truth. It breaks my heart to see division within the body of Christ over labels. So for all who are curious about where Luke and I stand, here it is...

Do I believe that God is completely sovereign and that He calls who He wishes, absolutely! There is no way that you can read the scriptures and not believe that. If you don't agree, Paul lays it out much better than I ever could in Romans 9 and that's just one place. Scripture also says that He desires all to be saved and to come to the knowledge of truth. He is an absolute loving Father. He created love. But He is also just and His ways are so much higher than our ways. I believe that God's heart is always love, however He has a perfect will that ultimately will put His justice, mercy, grace, goodness and power on display for all the world to see. If you don't believe me then just ask yourself these questions. "If He is the One who is, who was, and who is to come then do I believe that He knows those who ultimately will spend eternity with him?" If you answer yes, then ask yourself, "If He knows those who are not His, then why did He choose to still create them?" The answer to this everytime is that He is sovereign, and the potter can make and do whatever He wishes. We can't truly worship in humility and complete reverence, a God that we chose from the religion buffet. If you belong to Him, it's because He chose you not vice versa. A common misbelief when it comes to election, is the belief that if one were to desire to know God then he couldnt because he wasnt a 'chosen one'. Lol thats nuts. If your heart desires to know Him, it is because He placed that desire in your heart and He is calling you to Him. We love because He first loved us. He owes us nothing and we owe him everything. If this makes you angry at me, sorry. I would encourage you to ask your own heart why this makes you so uncomfortable. If it's because it's different than what you grew up being taught, then I would say that's a good reason to get out the scriptures and seek the truth for yourself. Don't just trust what is handed to you from me, from your pastor or your parents. Seek the truth for yourself! Hold what you believe up against the Holy Word and see if it lines up.

I come from two very different spectrums in the religious world. I grew up charasmatic/baptist lol. This led to a very confused teenager being taught two different things. I remember the day I sat on my bed with my Bible in my lap. My heart and mind were riddled with confusion and frustration. I prayed that day for God to show me His truth. Not what I grew up hearing, not what anyone else's interpretation was. I wanted His heart. His truth. Nothing more, nothing less. Take this religion and tradition and give me Jesus. He has been so faithful to do so. I am not knocking any of these religions, I know some of the most godly folks who go to all kinds of different churches. That's why I hate labels. Someone says Baptist and you automatically think, stiff knecked, sunday school and hymnals. Someone says charasmatic and you automatically think pew jumpin' and speaking in tounges. I know this because I have been guilty of it! You may not like me, you may not agree with me that is okay, because I still love you :) but I will not accept any label but the one written on my forehead that says I belong to the King. We are called to love. You can take anyone on this planet, the more you get to know them, eventually you will find something that you disagree on. Let's not get lost in labels or in useless debates over which side of the fence eachother is on. Dig in His word and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal His truth to your heart. He is faithful to do so! I don't know about you but from what He has shown me so far, His heart is more beautiful than anything and I cant get enough of it!

Dear Ezra,

Ezra,
Yesterday afternoon Mommy went to the doctor and had an ultrasound to check your development.  It has been 19 weeks since God placed you in my womb.  So far your time in my tummy has been much easier than your big brother and sister.  I am praying that you are my 'peaceful' child ha!  From the moment I saw the positive sign on my pregnancy test, God has given me such a great peace about you.  I have not been anxious about your health or well-being and as I drove to my appointment yesterday, there was no difference.  My heart was filled with excitement to get to see you and how much you have grown.  After the ultrasound, I sat in the patient room waiting to see my doctor.  After she looked at your pictures, she came in and told me that you looked perfect except that you have what is called, Choroid plexus cysts on your brain.  She explained that this is weakly related to down syndrome however, they want to explore more just to be sure so she referred me to a specialist to get a level 2 ultrasound done.  Little one, all these things are just details and the only reason I am even sharing them is because Mommy wants you to know that even as I sat there and heard that there is a possibility that you could have a disability, our faithful Father graced your momma with so much peace that it even astounded me.  You see, earlier that morning, as I sat before the Lord, I asked Him to give me more faith and I knew as I prayed those words that it would come through something to do with your time in my womb.  The truth of it is, even if He allowed us to walk that road, He is faithful and He is good.  I believe with all of my heart that you are perfectly healthy, but even if you weren't, that would not change my love for you for a single second.  It would not make me disappointed or fearful because you, my darling, are fearfully and wonderfully made by our Father.  I loved you before He formed you.  Mommy prayed and asked our sweet Father to bless us with another little blessing and He said yes by giving us you.  I know that you are going to be a very special little boy.  I have a deep conviction that He is going to use you and your siblings in mighty ways.  I pray for you every day.  For your health, your journey into this world and most of all for God to place a strong desire and burning passion for Him in your heart.  You are so blessed by two very special siblings who are very excited to meet you.  Your big brother Elijah kisses my tummy and talks to you all the time.  Your big sister Halle thinks that I have named my belly button Ezra, ha, but I have no doubt when she understands she will be thrilled!  God has also blessed you with an amazing daddy who is already in love with you.  He works hard, laughs hard, prays hard and loves hard.  He has a deep love and a burning passion for Jesus and is bursting with excitement at any opportunity to teach you about Him.  We are so excited to meet you and watch you grow to be a man who reveres the King.  I have no doubt that you are perfect.  Not by any standards of this world, but by the standards of your Creator.  I am praying that when we go see this specialist Monday, that these cysts are gone and that it will be all for the glory of the Lord.  Already, your life is bringing Him praise and you haven't even taken your first breath.  I just want you to know that our Father is good and our Father is faithful.  It is Mommy and Daddy's greatest mission to live our lives in front of you children so to see the face of Jesus.  Although, we mess up time and time again, His mercy remains.  In these times of uncertainty, we have a hope that still holds firm and that is our hope in Jesus.  We have joy through tears and His word chases away all fear.  My sweet boy, He is more than my words could ever express so I am looking forward to the opportunity to show you day after day, trial after trial, who He is and what we have in Him.  I cant wait to see your sweet, precious face.  I cant wait to finally hold you in my arms.  I love you little boy and I am so honored to be your mommy. 
March 14, 2012