2 reminders in the tears of the passing years: off to kindergarten!

Today I sent my second child and only girl off to kindergarten. Today marked the beginning of a new season in her little life and as well as her mama's. Hallelujah Noelle has been such a joy to me. I remember the day I was looking out the window of my bedroom talking to the Father. I asked him, if He saw fit, to please bless me with a little girl. I couldnt have asked or dreamed for one as precious as my Halle girl. 

I love being a mom. Growing up, everyone had their dreams, this was mine. I wanted to be a mom. I have loved every second of it. Even the hard, frustrating and exhausting parts. I think that's why it is hard for me to come to terms with the fact that it is going by so fast. I just know that I am going to blink and just like that they will be gone. But that's the whole point right? To love them, disciple them in Jesus and then send them out. I guess I just didn't anticipate it going so fast. I know that before I know it, my living room won't be filled with blocks and trucks and massive baby gear.

 It will be clean and quiet and I will have my time, thoughts and hopefully sanity back. I guess that should make me happy right? But instead it makes me so incredibly sad/happy, we will just call it sappy- perfect. Sad for it to be over, happy to watch them follow the path the Lord has laid out for them. 

Needless to say, beginning this new chapter has caused my heart to reflect on a few things. First thing is my kids are not my world. They are not what I worship. I love them. I fight for them. I enjoy them. But I do not worship them. Our culture is more kid-obsessed than ever before. So much to the point that if you choose not to play a gazillion sports by the time they are eating solids or spend a gazillion dollars on birthday parties that are "pin worthy" then your parenting is deemed all but stellar. Our culture worships kids. If we place our sole identity as being a parent, if we place our children on the throne of our hearts then what happens when our kids leave the nest? What happens when they fail us? What happens when they battle a life threatening illness or are taken suddenly? To place our children on the throne of our hearts is idolatry. That throne is reserved for the only one who upholds all things. He is never changing and steadfast. He has promised to never leave us or forsake us. He alone satisfies our hearts and is our only source of true joy. Everything else is a shadow- He alone is the substance. So as I send my kids off one by one, I will give thanks for the precious years given and I will hold steadfast to the hope of eternity with the one who holds my heart. 

The second thing that I have been reminded of is the beauty in the day to day. Every minute counts. I want to make the most of every opportunity in pointing them to Jesus. I only have a few years. Those moments when I am tempted to believe that there is no point or no end to the constant laundry, messes, refereeing and discipline, I have to remember, there will be an end to these things and it's not what I'm doing that matters it's the "how", in how I do them. I must do all these things giving thanks to God for his glory. The days of toys, peed in bedsheets, fishing Barbie shoes out of the potty with diarrhea in it (yes..that was last Sunday) will be gone. What legacy will I leave? It's the "how" I love in the mundane that leaves a lasting footprint on this next generation of world changers. To show grace and patience in the small things speaks more to their hearts than planning big parties or buying more toys. To take the time to discipline in love speaks more loudly than raising our voices in anger. Oh Lord, please empower me by your spirit to walk in a manner worthy of this calling! He is a good good Father! Abide in Him dear ones! This mom stuff is tough business, but it is a beautiful calling! ❤️

38 weeks crazy

I love being a mom. It is one of the greatest blessings that God has given me. None the less days like today are hard. I'm 38 weeks pregnant, fighting off a cold along with my two littles and working on little sleep. Everyone keeps asking me how I feel. Honestly, like a big bag of beat up hormones, toting an extra 50 around (don't judge me, I crave peanut butter okay!). After picking up Elijah from school I had to go to Target. Nothing inside me wanted to but our pantry looked like a ghost town and I had to get more medicine for the littles so it was necessary. Of course we enter to the strategically placed "dollar spot" which automatically activates the "wanters" in all of my kids. From then on its a barrage of questions. "Can we get a toy?" "Please can we get this ninja turtle movie?! We don't have this one!" "Can we get these infinity characters?! They are new!" " Can we get these fruit bars? They are healthy because they have a picture of a strawberry on them!" Etc. I don't like telling my kids no. I would love to say yes to everything but the only problem with that is we have limited funds and that would create ridiculous monsters. 

The fact is we say yes a lot, much more than we say to ourselves. I try to explain that my 'no' to whatever they are asking for is really a 'yes' to their heart and what is best for them. Hopefully, if we say this enough they will start to actually believe it. At this point they just continue to want. 

We made our way around the store and by this point I had one laid out in the middle of the isle like a dead person talking about how exhausted she was, another was in the buggy and the other was continuing to pull items from shelves bringing them before me for approval. Finally, after the 100th time of me having to say "not today", I heard a "you always say no". Okay. This incites my flesh so quickly. I'm thinking "Seriously kid?! You have no idea the sacrifices your daddy and I make for yall! Not to mention the two blue ray movies yall just got for Valentine's Day! Seriously?!" Thankfully I didn't vomit all this onto them right there. I did however tell them that shows mom that they don't appreciate the things that they have or the sacrifices mom and dad make for them... As well as "I'm about to beat every one of my kids right here in the middle of target, yall better pray to Jesus because it's about to go down, Lord Jesus help me!" 

God heard our prayers and we made it out $120 poorer, no injuries and no toys. As we pulled in the driveway I had never been more happy to see Luke standing in the driveway. I helped unload groceries and then went to shut myself in my bathroom and rant to the Lord. 

I am so thankful that I can come just as I am. Empty with no patience, no physical strength, completely wrung out and He's there. As I prayed confessing how frustrated I am that I feel like as a mom I completely pour myself out in service only to recieve complaints and more wants, like they are never content or satisfied with what they have. They don't see the blessings they already have, they just are looking at what's the next thing they want. As this is coming out of my mouth, I see myself in my kids. I see how often I have missed contentment in a circumstance in seeking the "what's next". My heart is grieved by that. I want this mouth to always give thanks no matter what the circumstance and not only be thankful, but be content. You can be thankful but not completely content. For example, I am super thankful to be carrying this sweet baby in my womb, but I'm fighting to be content and not trying to rush to his birthday because I feel like a 40lb sausage packed in a 20lb casing. 

As I began to open my mouth and give thanks for all of the blessings he's given me, even the hard days, I felt my heart break free. It's because his word is true. 1 Thesselonians 5:18 says "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." That is our weapon for discontentment. That's our weapon for frustration and exhaustion. Let our mouths continually give thanks in all circumstances. When our kids are going bananas, when people talk behind our backs, when loved ones disappoint us. Give thanks, because no matter what the circumstance, if He's allowed it in our path He's using it for our good. He's a good Father and we can know with confidence that even his 'no' is really 'yes' to what is best. 

So the next time you are tempted to fall into the pit of self-pity and frustration. Open your mouth and give thanks! He's faithful to deliver! 

The cherry on top

Be warned. I'm not sure where this blog post is going, I just feel compelled to write so buckle up. 

It's Christmas time again. I love Christmas. I. Love. Christmas. It's purpose is to slow down and center our hearts on how amazingly awesome our God is, His magnificent rescue plan in sending Jesus wielding the sword of grace, piercing through the ugly heart of sin's master, satan. 

Last year we celebrated Christmas and rang in the new year sporting the swine flu. That was loads of fun. I remember sitting in my bath tub trying to cry but couldn't really because it hurt so bad, and by it I mean everything. I was desperate for the Lord to bring healing to our whole family. I was reminded just how weak I am. How apart from His power I crumble. I was reminded of the grace he gives of being well every day. I over look that often. 

Fast forward a year later and I'm pretty sure my sweet Halle is fighting the flu. Again. I began reflecting on the year in between our two flu experiences and let me just say, it's been a tough year. It's been hard. Not in a "poor-pitiful-me way", but in a "Wow, He has walked us through some fires" way. 

As I sit here today these are the circumstances: I am 7 months pregnant with our 4th (thank you Lord), Luke has roughly 3 weeks to find another job which may or may not require a move, I don't know where we will live, where we will work, where I will give birth, where my oldest two will go to school. My baby girl has the flu and apparently the majority of our extended family views us as self-righteous zealots. 

These circumstances pale in comparison to many others, but none the less, they are trying. Here is the craziest part of all of this: grace. I have never before felt so stripped, so low, so needy, so humbled in all my life. Yet there is joy. I have never been more confused and unsure of how this is all going to play out. Yet, there is peace. I have never before felt like every door we try to step towards gets slammed in our face. Yet, there is faith. All of these are gifts that make up the greatest gift we have as believers. Knowing Jesus. There is nothing else. We can strive, we can make a great plan, we can try our best to nail it but eventually this broken world happens and it will fail you. That place of "stripped bare" is where real freedom begins. It's here where all the talk of "Jesus is enough" becomes real. You can believe something with your mind, but until he walks you through it, your heart can't truly know it. 

The beautiful part in all of this is we get more of Him. As the room gets colder and colder, we draw nearer and nearer to the fire. That is what this Christian Faith is about. It's not about keeping rules (praise God otherwise I woulda set sail long ago). It's at our weakest point, when our heart fail us, we cry out as longing children, desperate for our rescuer to help us- and He is FAITHFUL. Grace. It's all about His scandalous grace towards a weak, jacked up people that He cleanses and calls His own. 

Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, it is well, it is well, with my soul. Just as long as I'm yours oh God, there is nothing else I need, there is nothing else this soul longs for. 

I can't afford "me time"

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Philippians 2:1-11 ESV)

"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

These two sentences could not be more opposing to the world we live in today or the messages our brains are fed by the second. 

Humility. Our flesh rails against her. The world despises her. True treasure and joy is found in her. Christ's life is the ultimate example of humility. The King and Creator of all, left heaven to be poured out to the point of death and then life. 

As a 29 year old woman, wife, mom that lives in suburbia, I am constantly told through my flesh and the world "you just need more 'me' time", as well as "do something for yourself". Our culture is saturated with these messages. I hear it just as much in the church as in the world. It's a sneaky lie that we have bought into. Those messages are directly opposing to scripture and the life of Jesus. 

The truth is our lives should be poured out just like Christ's, completely humbled to the service of The Lord Jesus, serving and loving our brothers and sisters, dedicated to the church, whatever the cost. I can hear some that would say "yes, but you must take time for yourself." My response to that is this: Jesus retreated to be with the Father, to rest and hear from God. He didn't go to have "me time". For the believer, "Me time" will leave you just as empty and burned out than you were before. We don't need more "me time", we need more "Jesus time" and no one seems to want to say that. We want to have our cake and eat it to. We want to be a "Christian" but don't want the sacrifices that come with it. I have lived both and I will testify that I have never felt more refreshed, exhilarated and alive than when I am living sacrificially. Whether that is changing diapers, shepherding hearts, cooking meals, scrubbing toilets, watching kids or staying up late talking to a friend in need of encouragement. I know this truth. I've lived this truth and yet my flesh still fights against living sacrificially. It's never easy, but the reward is more of Him and abundant joy.

The Christian will not find rest in 'me time', vacations or hobbies. True rest is found in Christ alone. Sitting at the feet of our beloved King. His Spirit gives life, rest, peace and joy no matter how chaotic the circumstances. 

What would the church look like if we all laid down our possessions, time and strength at the feet of Jesus and served the way the King did? What if we woke up each day pursuing the heart of Jesus in hunting ways to put others before ourselves. Even when we are driving down the road in traffic (Lord help us all). We are called to a life of servant-hood. We must truly die to ourselves, our agendas and live for Him. The promise for those who die with Him, will be raised with Him. He is worth it all. 

Momma's, I know it's hard. The days are long, the laundry is mountainous, the needs are endless. But believe me when I say, no amount of trips to the spa (although nice) will give you the strength you need in order to live out the ministry as "Mom". The call to shepherd these little hearts is a high calling. It is Kingdom work and it matters! The Lord is faithful to provide us the wisdom and strength to minister to these little disciples! But make no mistake, it is found in him alone. So if you are worn out and burned out, lacking joy in parenthood, let me encourage you to say no to 'me time' and say yes to 'Jesus time'. Press into the Father and he will renew your strength! 

Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep. Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. (Psalm 127:1-5 ESV)

Dear Melissa,

Dear Melissa,

This is letter from you, a reminder of truth on the thorny days. On the days that you blow it, when you completely drop the ball. On the days that the enemies lies are swirling and you are being bombarded at every turn. When he is telling you that you are a failure, you're stupid, you're ugly, you have no self control, you are lazy, you are failing as a mother, you are not measuring up... This is the truth...

You are more than a conqueror through CHRIST JESUS. He has proven that over and over and over again. Those things are true about Melissa without Jesus, but the truth is Melissa is no more. You have a new identity as you identify with Christ in death, you also identify in His life. A life that is not about you, although your flesh, the world and the enemy is constantly telling you that it is. This is the reality of who you are. HE that is in you is greater than he that is in the world. He has brought you through immense adversity since taking your first breath in this world. He has walked you through fire and you have come out stronger and more sanctified, Praise His name! There is no limit to what the Holy Spirit can do through you, for His kingdom and glory. Live in that, rest in that. 

Let me remind you of just a few things He has done...

Freed you from generational curses

Protected you from yourself

Protected you from abuse

Freed you from bondage

Gave Strength through the darkest of days

Supplied a home when there was none

Saved your husband 

Saved your marriage

Given you children and a heritage to leave

Empowered to give birth naturally

Supplied strength to push your body beyond your physical strength

Gave patience on days that it seemed everything was crashing down

There is countless more and he is still working!

Do not believe the lies of the enemy! You are not gonna nail it every time, but thank God through the power of the cross your salvation, sanctification and identity does not rely on you. Let Him work, walk in the freedom of grace, walk in the power of the Holy Spirit and shut the enemies lies up with the truth of the Word! 

Much love, me 

False identities

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4 ESV)

I am feeling the weighty truth of this passage today.Thankfully, I am not battling a terminal illness (aside from this body of death), thankfully my marriage is healthy and vibrant and I am not facing a circumstantial disaster. No, I am not facing any of these, but oftentimes trials can come straight from the battlefeild of the mind, and that is exactly where mine has been over these past few days.

God has been working in a mighty way in my walk with Him. I have experienced an immense season of growth. It's been painfully beautiful and rewarding. It's been a very sweet time with my Lord. True to form, satan usually plans an attack right on the heels of a spiritual growth spurt and this week has been no exception. I have struggled over the past three days with my attitude, feelings of being overwhelmed, frustrations and just over all blah. At first I thought this was a result of me planning a Pinterest style birthday party for Halle coupled with starting a diet (that right there is enough to push anyone over the edge) but as I have prayed and sought The Lord on the how and why I went from sweet spot to funky town, I don't at all think it has to do with my circumstances or schedule and everything to do with distractions and chasing false identity. 

During this season of growth, The Lord has been ripping out false identities from my heart and firmly planting the truth of who He says that I am. I have never felt more firm and free. He has used so many different scenarios to do this, one being the move here to Dallas. I love living here. I can't say enough how thankful I am and how nice it is. It is, however a snake pit of spandex and educated luxury. I don't hate spandex. I don't hate education or luxury, I just don't identify with it, yet my flesh and the enemy is constantly telling me that if I don't, I'm less than. Lie. Lie. Lie. 

Ok so first there is the spandex. What I mean by this is a lot of women in this area are perfectly toned, organic organisms and it's easy for my flesh to see these women and covet what that they have. I find myself thinking "I need to get myself in gear". As if, once I attained the status of "O toned one" I would feel fulfilled. The truth is I am completed fulfilled in Jesus and there is nothing lacking. Any workout or eating discipline that I submit to must only be under His Lordship and for His glory, otherwise it is idolatry and vanity. He is my all. He is my Lord. 

Second, there is the education thing. Well let's just be honest, I'm no scholar (I know shocker right? All I have to do is open my mouth for this to be evident) I didn't earn extra letters to follow my name, but that is not a mark against my identity. The only letters that matter are the ones tattooed on my forehead, that proclaim that I am set apart and sealed, belonging to The Lord God almighty. Any knowledge that I pursue, must be under His Lordship, for his glory, in pursuit of knowing Him more deeply and sharing the gospel with others, otherwise it's meaningless. 

Third, luxury, oh luxury. We have a love-hate relationship. I hate it because I see the emptiness to it and the trap that so many (including myself) easily fall into. It's not a sin to have nice things but sometimes I really think it would be less challenging if I had less. There is a constant heart check that has to take place, examining if my motives are God glorifying or self-glorifying. If I am giving enough, open hearted and open handed. There is so much temptation here to get carried away in spending. Lord let that not be so for our family!! There is so much excess and I am often a guilty partaker. But praise God for conviction! I am convinced this is an area that He is currently transforming in the hearts of our family. Case and point: our trips to target have been lived out to the soundtrack of "no's" instead of "yes'". Praise God for that, but we still have a long way to go!

All this to say over the past few days of new eating plans and Pinterest overload, I found my eyes shift from the beautiful face of my Jesus, to the crazy beckoning me by name. Every time I plan one of these parties, I beg Luke to never let me do it again. I love them, but they totally stress me out. It's a flipping four-year old birthday for crying out loud! Why am I anxious about this?!? I refuse to do this anymore. Sorry kids, from now on it's our little family at chuck e cheese and some presents. Pinterest, you're fired. And as for the whole diet thing (I hesitate to call it the D word), ahem "new eating plan" that's great. I'm a pretty healthy eater that just got a little jiggy with the late night sweets, trying to reign it in a little. Awesome. But allow me to make this statement after the past 5 days: breads/grains are a vital component of my diet and should not be abstained from unless by strong direction from The Lord. It is in the best interest of our entire family if someone tosses momma a cracker every now and then. Paleo shmaleo ... Jesus ate bread and so should I. 

Thank God for this sanctifying reminder that Jesus is always better. He is the only thing that fulfills me and the only one who allows me to walk this crazy life in peace. Anytime this adulterous heart should try to chase after any identity other than "daughter of the Most High", may he always remind me, no matter how painful, because he really is all I love and want. 

A whore no more

I read a quote today from pastor Mark Driscoll that read "Dear Christian, next time you are at a wedding and see the groom smiling at his bride remember that God loves you like that.” It has painted a picture in my mind that I just cannot get over. I begin to think back to my wedding day and the look on my grooms face as I walked down the aisle to become his wife. I love that picture. It is burned into my memory. But honestly there has always been a dark shadow of condemnation that lurks when I reflect on that day. You see, although I wore a dress that was beautiful and white, I secretly felt like a phony. I knew what I had done in my past and I felt like everyone else in that congregation knew as well. By the worlds standards I was no whore, but by Gods standard I was, and I knew it. I did not feel worthy to wear that white gown and to this day I have carried that regret in my heart. When I would attend weddings where I knew the bride had waited, I felt a punch in my gut. "If only I knew then what I know now" I would think. My heart, filled with regret, would find comfort in my forgiveness in Christ and be genuinely happy for the new couple but I still felt as though I was less than.  I knew that I was forgiven, but still chose to wear my Scarlett letter. 

As I meditate on the heart of the Father for his bride, I am overwhelmed. I see the image of the groom, face radiating with joy and love for his approaching bride. Pan over to the bride who is dressed beautifully in white-  in comes my shame- but then the Holy Spirit reminds me of His words in

Isaiah  61:10 

I will greatly rejoice in the Lord;
    my soul shall exult in my God,
for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation;
    he has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress,
    and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

And also 

Isaiah 1:18 

“Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord:
though your sins are like scarlet,
    they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red like crimson,
    they shall become like wool.

A whore, dirty, filthy dressed in rags, full of sin. He relentlessly sought her heart until He found her. He chose her to be His bride. Why you ask? Why would one who is perfect and pure choose such a disgusting person to be his bride? He deserves so much better. True He does and the fact that He chose her is not a testimony to anything His bride did to turn things around, or that his standards are not high, but that his love and grace is higher. He sold all that He had and paid the highest price for her beautiful white gown of perfection like none had ever been before. He cleaned her, washed her, and gave her a new name. On that final day, when she is presented to Him, there will be no dirt, no scarlet letters, just pure beauty. As she is paraded to Him, all eyes will look upon her beauty and marvel. Not at how amazing she is, but at the magnitude of mercy, grace and love of her groom. His glory will be fully displayed. 

I am that whore. Not only because of my choices previous to marriage, but because of my wicked heart that is so prone to wander off to worldly idols. My groom deserves so much better than me. But He has given me better to give to Him, in the righteousness purchased by the blood of Jesus. I am clothed in white, not because I earned it, but because He purchased it. I will walk the aisle confident in Him and proudly display the marvelous grace and love of my groom. I don't deserve this beautiful gown, but I will gladly wear it, knowing that my groom has made me beautiful and righteous through His blood and that He loves me. Not because I am great, but because He is great! 

Parenting in freedom

Psalm 127

Unless The Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless The Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep. Behold, children are a heritage from The Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Unless I love my children, teach my children, serve my children in faith, it is done in vain.  So often I find myself entertaining anxious thoughts concerning my ministry as mommy. Like a wolf in sheep's clothing, this anxiety comes waltzing in playing on my passionate desire to serve my Master well and before I know it I am given over to a burden that I am not called to bear. 

Am I giving them enough one on one? We aren't memorizing scripture like we should. Are they exposed to too much media or too little? Am I being to harsh? Too soft? Am I reaching their hearts or controlling behavior?

While a constant evaluation of the path we are on is good, but unless I bring it back to ultimate faith and trust in the Lords provision and finished work of the cross, I will buckle under the weight every time. 

The truth is that The Lord has blessed Luke and I with these amazing gifts that we call Elijah, Halle and Ezra. He has given us a huge ministry right inside the four walls we call home. He has commanded us to teach them and shepherd their hearts in his ways, but that command does not bring bondage

but freedom. The beautiful part is, he doesn't give us this command and then roll out.  He gives us his Spirit that we are called to walk in and in doing so we will be faithful to the call as parents. We don't have to question every single step, but walk in faith, abiding in the Father and trusting that he is faithful no matter what tomorrow may hold.  I can't force my children to be or do anything. I just want to point them to Jesus in everything. I want them to know how much he loves them and what freedom there is in sacrifice. 

I am building this altar today, as I came and sat at his feet feeling overwhelmed by how insufficient I am in this ministry he has called me to, guilty and shamed for being impatient, and like only he can, he lovingly reminded me that he has purchased freedom for me. I am buckling under the pressure to do it "right" and he says "unless you are laboring in faith, it is all in vain. Abide in me and walk in freedom." 

He is so gracious and good. Anxiety always leads to frustration. I can't control the outcome of this ministry, but I have faith that as I labor for my King, he will supply the wisdom, he will supply the strength, and as I acknowledge him in all things he will direct our paths (prov 3:5-6). In faith, I will point these little blessings to Jesus and the rest is in his hands. 

It is for freedom that He has set us free! 

a small, busted up jar of clay

2 Corinthians 4:7-10
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.

The "treasure" is the gospel. The term "jars of clay" was a common metaphor used in that day for human weakness.  Never before have I felt and grasped my human weakness more than this moment. I praise God for that!
Since our U-haul crossed the Texas state line last year, we have experienced spiritual warfare like never before. That tells me God is up to something great and the enemy is pretty upset about it. The enemy has done his best to convince me that there is no hope, it's not worth the fight and most of all I am not loved by the Father. As I type those statements, it seems ludicrous that he would even attempt to whisper those lies, but that is the same lie he whispered to Eve in the garden. He is subtle and crafty, attacking with overwhelming emotions and "feelings" sending me into a panic wondering "What in the world is going on with me?!".  But for the grace and mercy my Father!  He allows me to experience these attacks, but He ALWAYS rescues! AL-WAYS! What the enemy would intend to break my faith, God uses to show the magnitude of His love for me and His relentless power in rescuing His children. He plucks my feet from the net and sets my feet on solid rock. I can feel my faith growing.  I can feel my love for Jesus growing.  I can feel my hope rise.  My eyes to see the attacks are sharpening. I can feel this flame in my heart for the gospel growing stronger and stronger! I don't love Jesus near as much as I desire to, but I know the desire to love him more comes from him, so I will continue to ask for more and He will continue to give me more because that is His will.
Spiritual warfare can be exhausting.  But believer take heart, the enemy is only allowed to go as far as the Lord allows. If the Lord is allowing you to experience opposition, it is for your good and His glory. The surpassing power belongs to him, not us. God be glorified in me, whatever that looks like!

The Santa Solution

I have wanted to write a blog post on this topic for a long time but thankfully, by God's grace He has made me wait until now because I believe in the past, my heart wasn't completely walking in love when it came to this topic.

This time of year has always been one of my favorites.  I love the smells, the music, the food, the fires, time with family, the excitement, its all just fun fun fun!  However, since Luke and I have made the decision to not do Santa with our kids, there has been somewhat of a dark cloud of controversy that has found its way into our season of celebration.  We have found quite a few people curious about our decision, so I will use this time to try my best to explain our hearts on the matter while driving home the greater purpose for this post.

I will start by saying that our goal as parents is to point our kids to Jesus. Period.  Whether that is at Christmas, Easter or your average day at the grocery store.  Our hearts as believers are overcome with excitement during this Christmas season awaiting the return of our Savior.  Christmas marks the date of the first fulfilled promise and now we are eagerly awaiting the second!  Our hearts are overwhelmed by the astounding love our Father has over His children that He would humble himself to the greatest degree to come suffer and save a wretched sinner like me.  While we were yet sinners... Man, I can't wrap this feeble mind around such a love!! We desire to share this excitement with our kids.  As they eagerly await Christmas morning, we remind them that we are eagerly awaiting a day when we will be fully restored with Jesus! Although Santa is fun for a lot of families, we just don't feel there is a void of excitement around here. We are constantly fighting for our kids attention and to add Santa is just one more distraction.  Frankly, "Sorry Santa we just ain't got no room for you". We don't demonize Santa, we just don't make a big deal about him. They understand he is pretend just like frosty.  

Another reason and probably the biggest is our kids trust is the utmost importance to us.  We want them to know that if Mom and Dad say something, it's truth.  No doubt about it.  These are our little disciples and the Lord has entrusted us to shepherd their hearts.  I fall so short of this call so often.  It's important that they see mom and dad speaking truth no matter what and walking in a constant state of confession and repentance.  We will fail often but that is more opportunity to point to Jesus. It is imperative that their little hearts have a voice in this world that they know will always speak truth to them.  That's our call.

Now I'm sure by this point there are some of you giving me a virtual high-five and others are ready to de-friend me on Facebook.  Out of all of the decisions Luke and I have made as Christian parents, this is the one that has caused the greatest controversy. I haven't ever told anyone that they are wrong for doing Santa, but somehow by us choosing not to that is the message it sends to a lot of others. Hear me when I say, that is not my heart. I have enough struggle on my hands in following my own convictions.

This topic has become such a huge divider in the church. This is the message I want to send through this post:  Whether you choose to do Santa or not, let us strive for unity in the body above all else!  Jesus' command is that we love our neighbor, how can we do that when we are walking in a state of defense?  That goes for both sides! As Luke and I felt the flack for our choice, my pride made it very difficult to not get defensive, but what good does that do?! What a power we would have if we all walked humbly seeking to learn from one another instead of measuring ourselves up against one another!

Believer, there is a call to follow the conviction of the Holy Spirit in your life. Encourage your brothers and sisters in this, don't be a hindrance. This season is not about you and me.  It's about the hope of the gospel. The enemy will stop at nothing to divide and distract.  Let us come together in love and share the excitement of the hope we have in JESUS.

Merry Christmas :)

longing for home

As I sit here this afternoon and reflect of my day thus far, no doubt it has been full of struggle and attacks from the enemy.  I praise my God and Father who is faithful to deliver me from my enemies!  He is my Father who fights for me!  Who can withstand His mighty arm?

It is so easy during the hard days to long for just a moment of solitude.  We are a people who have created a demanding, hectic and fast-paced lifestyle yet long for rest.  We spend thousands on vacations seeking to satisfy this longing.  While vacations are good and it is absolutely a biblical command to rest, I think we often miss the worship in this longing.  We look for the vacations to satisfy something that only heaven will.  Ecclesiastes 3:11 says "... Also, He has set eternity in the hearts of men..."  That feeling you get when you stand at the top of a mountain and look out to behold the beauty of creation, for a moment it takes your breath away and you are simply captivated by what your eyes can see, and for that moment you catch a small glimpse of His majesty.  We are created to recognize and crave things that are shadows of heaven. We long to be 'home', but for the believer, this is not our home.  Only a shadow. That is eternity set in your heart.  We need to understand that this craving for peace, rest, complete joy and unrestricted fellowship with the Father will not be satisfied while we are in these flesh suits.  To think otherwise will leave you chasing your tail.  The truth is, this is not heaven.  We are living in the struggle.  That's why Paul tells us to "press on" to "run this race with endurance".  This truth highlights the importance of God's command for us to rest (something that I often walk in disobedience to).  As believers, this struggle will not end until He calls us home.  We must rest first, work from that rest, and press on in endurance with the longing set in our hearts to finally be home with our Father. 

We must not chase after new houses, bigger houses, new cars, different jobs, vacations, better neighborhoods, or for some no neighborhoods (ha!), relationships or anything else to satisfy what only eternity in the presence of our Father can.  You will find you will just move from one struggle to the next, frustrated and unsatisfied.  Delight yourself in the Lord and rest in the finished work of Christ that there will come a day when our struggle will end.  But until then, beloved, press on with tenacity that your labor for the Kingdom is not in vain!
Blessings!

Dallas here we come!

As a little girl I asked Him to protect me- countless times and countless ways He did
As a teen I asked Him to bless me with a godly husband- His name is Luke
As a newlywed far from home I asked him to move us closer- Palestine, TX
As a newlywed I asked him to grow our marriage and walks with him- Grace Bible Church
As a young woman I asked him to bless us with a child- His name is Elijah
As time went on I asked him to bless me with a little girl- Her name is Halle
As a young wife and mother I felt led to ask him to move us back to Bossier- 549 Chinquipin Dr
I asked Him to provide us with friends and body of believers to grow and serve with- Covenant Church
I asked for another child with a happy temperment- His name is smiling Ezra :)
I asked to be able to give birth to him naturally- Aug 7, 2012 10:30 am I got to hold my little one for the first time
I felt led to ask him to bless Luke with a job that would utilize his giftings- Tech star here we come

I don't understand how God who is so holy, so infinite and so powerful could look on me, one who is so small, so unholy, so weak (without Jesus) and find favor.  I cannot wrap my pea brain around it.  I look back and can see His faithfulness over and over and over and over.  I am so incredibly humbled, so in awe.  There have been moments of pain along the way.  Moments that my heart has hurt so bad it physically made me ill, but through everything one thing has always remained, I trust in the Lord my God.  I know that in the joyous times He is faithful and in the dark times, He is faithful.  I can look back on my life and see how he has used every bit of it for His glory.  I am so humbled to even be able to be used in any way let alone this journey that he has taken me on thus far.  I am so excited to see what he has planned in this next journey.  It is all for Him, through Him and because of Him.  Whatever happens, I pray our life constantly shouts "Thank you!" back to him.  He is good!  He is faithful!  To this I will forever testify!  Let's go.

2/21/2013

It's been a busy season. Good. Hard. Busy.  As I sit in the floor of my bedroom in our apartment in Frisco Texas, all I can think is wow.  God has blown me away!  I never saw this one coming.  I am so excited for Him to reveal to us why he has brought us here.  There are so many things I have learned so far!  My head is spinning so my writing will most probably reflect that lol. 

Since we arrived here almost two weeks ago, we have been inundated with flyer's and invitations to different churches.  Right off, I see we may not be in Shreveport/Bossier anymore, but we are definitely not far.  There are mega churches on every corner.  "An experience so comfortable, you will never want to leave", "Come discovery your destiny", "Jesus wants you to be successful and happy!"  all statements from these invitations.  This place is consumed with false doctrine and heretical teaching.  Wolves in sheep's clothing seeking to devour the weak in spirit.  Leading them straight to the slaughter.  It's easy for me to be discouraged and think "how can I make a difference?" 

Sometimes I think it would be easier to be in a third world country where people are so hungry for Jesus... here people are so fat with consumerism and this Jesus that is so concerned with their destiny, comfort and success.  Newsflash.  Jesus died a horrific death and rose again.. that was successful.. that is the standard by which He views success... dieing to ourselves and living for him!  NOT this genie in a bottle gospel that says, pray hard enough.. speak and think positive enough and you will get that promotion..  that's heretical at best.  The truth is that success that comes from Jesus is so much greater than any job promotion.  It's joy that is unshakable even in the worst circumstances.  It's hope when this world is falling apart around you.  It's peace in this world of anxiety.  It's the heart of the son or daughter that says "Lord, if you so will to bless me with this job promotion, let it be, but if that's not your plan, I trust you.  Regardless, help me to make much of you and proclaim your gospel to a hurting and lost people.  It is well with me soul". 
This false doctrine has always stirred up such a holy anger in my heart.  It is going to take much seeking and praying on my part in order to discern how to speak the truth in love without ranting.  I am surrounded by wealth and glittering things.  The pull is so strong on my flesh to give in.. there have been many moments of repentance from covetousness.  God is so gracious and merciful and doesn't let me get far without gently reminding me of who I am and why I am here.  It's not for me.  I'm learning to walk the line of enjoying what he has given, without it taking up residence in my heart.  Oh Lord, protect this adulterous heart!

We are seeking out where God wants us to by a home.  We have asked Him, "Lord, do we buy something in a slum to minister there and look different than the rest of this world that is chasing the dollar or do we buy something nice and be surrounded by consumerism and a people who seem so disinterested in the real Gospel?"  Friend, I will tell you plainly, to me, going to the ghetto would be the easier road of the two.  Personally, I have always struggled with a heart of compassion towards the wealthy.  I am so easily annoyed by pretentious people!! It drives me crazy!  I had a feeling when we moved here that that was EXACTLY who God was calling me to minister to.  Not only for their hearts, but also for mine.  I don't want to be Jonah.  Rich or poor, we all need him!  I am committed to live each day on mission and love and minister to whoever he places in my path that day.  To make much of Jesus.  To bring attention to Him and not myself.  We shall see... this is only the beginning....

who do you pledge your allegiance to?

Proverbs 16:33 The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord.

Today many Americans will exercise one of the freedoms that many men have fought and died for, the right to vote in our Democracy.  This is such a blessing, but along with this comes much fear, anxiety and anger for many people.  What if my candidate doesn't get elected?  Hatred towards the opposing party.. etc. etc.  The bottom line is as believers, we are no longer citizens of this place.  Our allegiance to the U.S. should never override our allegiance to God the Father.  When fear and hatred start to creep in we need to turn the news off and examine our hearts as to who our allegiance is to.  Scripture says that we are citizens with the saints and members of the household of God (Eph 2:19).  Don't get me wrong, I'm a patriotic person, I love my country.. just not as much as my Jesus.  We must understand that we are no longer a part of this world so no matter what the outcome is, our Father is in control, our KING is forever on the throne and he is well aware of what is taking place.  He is sovereign over who wins this Presidency.  My prayer is not "Lord, let my candidate win" but "Lord, let whatever needs to take place for your Kingdom to come to take place.  Not my will but yours be done.".  I do not wish to see our country perish or become a socialist country, however if that is a part of His plan in order for his Kingdom to come.. bring it on! Whether I wake in the morning with this country under new leadership, or under the same leadership (hopefully not) regardless my King is on the throne and I will walk boldly in faith and trust knowing that He has placed who HE wants in office for HIS plan to be fulfilled.  Pray, vote and trust.  Come Lord Jesus come!  

EZRA's BIRTH STORY birth plan - no plan - His plan

August 7, 2012 our little Ezra said goodbye to my womb and hello to this world.  I cannot even begin to express the joy and thankfulness that I feel in my heart.  This has been such a unique pregnancy and his birth was no different!

Throughout this pregnancy I had specific things that I prayed for every day.  I prayed that Ezra would be perfectly healthy and strong (with no colic, acid reflux or gas problems, been there done that).  That he would have a heart of peace and a heart that burned with passion for the Lord.  I prayed that he would be head down and face down with no cord issues or complications of any kind.  That I could deliver vaginally and without any medication.  That I would recover quickly and would not rip or tear (a little TMI, I know, but it's what I prayed!).  I also prayed that I would go into labor naturally and that through the natural birth experience God would receive glory.  Always ending with "Not my will but yours be done".  My prayers were not in such a list form but more of a daily outpouring of my heart's desire in complete submission to His will.  So here is how things went...

First of all, Elijah and Halle's deliveries were both induced and both with epidurals.  So let me begin by saying I'm not a hard core natural birth hippie who looks down on others if they don't choose this route.  My personal belief is that it is a personal decision and no one should look down or judge someone for something so silly.  When I became pregnant with Ezra, I started to have the desire to go the natural route.  So I began to pray about it and asked the Lord if he willed, to give me the strength and ability to experience it.  I am very analytical by nature, but especially of my own feelings and desires.  I asked myself "why?".  Why do I want to do this?  I had many reasons why and some I shared with others as they looked at me like I had 4 heads and some I didn't but I will lay them all out now.  When I had my other two epidurals, I was unaware that the medicine crossed the placenta and went to the baby.  Granted this is safe, obviously, but now knowing this, I had a hard time with it.  This is coming from a woman who has to lose a limb before I take a Tylenol or anything that is considered safe during pregnancy.  That's just how I am.  I don't like taking medicine and I don't like not being in control of my body.  I also hate being poked on and hooked up like a power strip.  Another reason is I was very aware that this could be my last pregnancy and after talking to other women who did it naturally, I wanted to really experience the whole thing.  When I would share with others that I may do it natural, some would tell me how crazy I am, how they didn't think I could do it and made other comments like that.  Although I may not be a sensitive person when it comes to other people's opinions, I am an extremely passionate person about my belief that I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength.  I knew with all of me that if He placed that desire in my heart then He would give me everything I needed to do it.  So in my mind I would always say "Hide and watch!".   I had to be very careful though, that my desire was not to prove myself, but for God to prove Himself through me.  When God knitted me together, he placed something deep within me that loves a challenge.  He has given me one life and at that end I don't want it to be said of me "She always took the easy way out".  As I said before, this is not for Melissa's glory but for His namesake.  His power is put on display when I am faced with challenges that He gives me the courage and strength to not back down from.  I know this may seem totally crazy but as I said before it is a personal conviction.  Lastly, I have always heard that childbirth is one of the most painful things women can experience.  My other two deliveries were cake walks.  I wanted to experience that pain and then at the end, have a deeper understanding and appreciation of what kind of pain my Jesus endured for me.  Because compared to what He experienced, natural childbirth is nothing.  (Now for the disclaimer:  I do not condone people hurting themselves intentionally in search for love and appreciation for the cross that's something only God can give.  It's a unique situation and a thought I had lol)

As I said previously, one of my prayers was that I would go into labor naturally.  One of the reasons for this is in case you don't know, when you get induced with pitocin you are pretty much guaranteed to get an epidural.  The reason is that the contractions are so much more intense, one can hardly stand it.  For this reason, I had said the whole time that if I had to be induced I would most probably be getting an epidural.  Well the days rolled on and still no baby.  I would sit every afternoon in my rocker begging God to please just let me go into labor.  I had contractions for three weeks that were not making any progress to my cervix.  I was beginning to have thoughts that maybe it wasn't the Lord's will for me to have this experience, but I knew whatever the outcome I trusted Him and trusted that He had a reason.  So my due date came and went and still no baby.  I was huge, moody and trying my best to be patient and trust the Lord.  Finally, after praying Luke and I decided that if I had not gone into labor on my own by Tuesday August 7, then that's the day I would go in to be induced.  We both felt that this was the right decision.  I went to the doctor that Monday and my cervix was dilated to a 3 and I was about 50% effaced.  That was great news to us because before that I was stuck at a 1cm and no effacement.  We praised the Lord for that news!

We spent Monday night with Granny and Papaw before we headed to the hospital at 5:00 am the next morning.  I did not get much sleep from excitement.  The last thing I remember before I took my 'nap' that night was talking to the Lord and reflecting over the past 10 months of this pregnancy.  How throughout all of the different situations that came up He kept my mind in perfect peace. Isaiah 26:3 says "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.  This scripture carried me through all the unusual findings on the ultrasounds and all of the what ifs that ran through my head.  God is good, God is faithful and I am His.

August 7, 2012 we arrive at the hospital.  The whole ride there I tried to decipher through thoughts, nerves and excitement.  "How is this thing going to go down? " "Lord, please let my body respond and do what it is suppose to."  Just a few of the things racing through my head.  Altogether I had an overwhelming feeling of uncertainty.  I am such a planner and enjoy knowing what to "expect" but I totally had no idea.  I assumed I would be getting an epidural but there was still an ounce of hope that I wouldn't have to.




 After two hours of paperwork and questions I get all hooked up and my pitocin starts at 7:00 am.  Here we go.  It's go time.  Shortly after Dr. Tynes comes in and breaks my water.  She informs me that the reason I would not go into labor on my own is because there was so much amniotic fluid.  As she broke my water she had to guide his head down into my pelvis.  Praise the Lord for that unanswered prayer otherwise Mr. Wiggle worm could very possibly flipped and been breech! 

A little time passes and I can feel my contractions begin to strengthen.  My nurse Janice comes in and we begin talking.  I told her that I originally wanted to go all natural but since I am having to be induced I assumed I would be getting an epidural.  She encourages me and tells me that I can just take it one contraction at a time and see how it goes.  No pressure either way.  I looked over at Luke and I said "sounds good" and from that moment on that's just what we did.  My birth plan became "no plan" and I was just gonna roll with it.  She then increased my pitocin a little in order to get my contractions closer together.

About an hour later, my contractions are hurting pretty good, but I am breathing and humming through them. Janice checks me and I am 6 cm dilated and 75% effaced.  I was making excellent progress (glory to God!).  Luke asks her "At this point in labor, how are most women responding to the pain of contractions?"  She said that at this stage most women are 'very ready' for an epidural and that I was doing wonderful to be at this stage.  (This is the moment he says that he knew I was going to do it)  He looks at me and says "Babe, you got this.  If anyone can it's you." I said "I think you may think I'm stronger than I actually am lol.."  He said "No, I know you, it's your decision but I know the strength the Lord has given you and there is no doubt you can do this."  I said we will just see, I'm taking it one step at a time.   

The contractions became pretty painful.  My precious husband placed his hand on my knee with every contraction and would breathe with me.  At one point he started humming and I barely opened my eyes and told him to stop it because he was making me laugh.  Regardless of how much I'm hurting that man can always make me laugh!  He is too much!  I could sense every bit of his excitement and anticipation but also the calmness and steadiness he had.  It brought me so much comfort and peace.  Another thing I would ask the Lord is if he did allow me to birth naturally, that it would bless our marriage.  That it would be an amazing experience for Luke and I and something that would bring us even closer to one another and closer to the Him.  With every second and every contraction, I could feel the Lord answering that prayer.  As I felt the comforting hand of my sweet husband and heard the encouraging words that he would whisper to me, as he read me my scripture note cards to help keep my mind stayed on the Lord, I knew the Lord was blessing us tremendously.  This is when I knew that everything I had asked, He was making a way like only He can.  When we let go of our plans and just trust him with each second. 

Janice comes in around 10:20 and checks me.  I am now 8 cm and 80% effaced.  She calls another nurse in to start prepping the room.  I asked her if I was about to start pushing and she said no, she's just gonna bring in all the supplies.  My dad then walks in and starts talking to us, all of the sudden I get this major pain and start moaning.  I look at Janice and say "I feel like I need to poop!" She comes and checks me and says "No, you're about to have a baby!"  She quickly calls Dr. Tynes and tells me to just breathe.  That room went from calm to crazy in one second.  Beds start breaking down, sheets start flying, stuff is beeping and I'm just saying "I need to push!" over and over.  Dr. Tynes comes flying in, throws on her gown and I start pushing.  Luke is holding one knee and I'm holding the other.  My mind is thinking "Oh my goodness, this is happening!"  I push out his head, and then proceed to say "Oh my goodness that hurt!"  One more big push and my little boy is laying on my chest.  I am just absolutely overwhelmed.  Luke just keeps saying "You did it! He's here! " and "I cant believe that just happened!" Tears are flowing.  Dr. Tynes says "No rips or tears!"  I raise my hand to the sky and say "Glory to God!"  "He has answered all my prayers!"  and in that moment I just stop and say to everyone in the room just what all I had asked and what all God had given and I gave Him all thanks!  Ezra Daniel Richardson was born August 7, 2012 at 10:45 am 7lbs 4 oz 20 inches long :)

After the birth, I was a little sore but not enough to need any Motrin or pain meds.  I have felt great and am feeling better every day. Thank you Lord.

I am so thankful that the Lord has seen it fit to bless Luke and I with yet another little soul to love and shepherd.  I'm so thankful for Him allowing me to see His face that day and each time I stare into the face of my husband and children.  I'm thankful to experience yet another spiritual marker that taught me so much and built my faith even more.  With each turn of this life, the Lord continues to blow me away.  My heart longs to know Him more, to be more like Him, to love Him more, and to be used to bring Him glory.  Whether it be through pain or joy.  Lord, blessed be your name.  To you, Oh Lord, be all glory, honor and praise. 

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you."  Isaiah 26:3

 

39 weeks tomorrow

Well, to answer the main question that I hear over and over and over again.. yes.. I'm still pregnant (As if the huge belly and butt did not give that one away). I will be 39 weeks tomorrow and feeling every bit of it. 

Throughout this pregnancy I have prayed every day that the Lord would allow me to go into labor naturally and to deliver Ezra naturally.  At 37 weeks I started having crazy contractions and they have not stopped yet so before each doctor visit I am thinking for sure that I am going to be making some progress.  Well, I went to the doctor for my weekly check last Tuesday and I am still only 1 cm dilated.  By this point, I was at least 3 or 4 cm dilated with my other two.  So of course, to no surprise this leaves my mind flooded with the "what-ifs".  What if my body doesn't respond as well as it did with the last two pregnancies? What if I go past my due date and I don't want to be induced? What if ... what if.. what if... blah blah blah.  On top of that, many have wondered what is my big hurry to go into labor?  Well, you see there is this precious little boy of mine who is starting school on Aug 15th and you better believe Mommy is not gonna miss a single second of it.  Having Ezra a little early would allow our family time to adjust a little bit before we hop to to the next big transition.

So here I am, unknowingly, riddled with anxiety over the if, when and how.  As I got in my truck and drove out of the hospital parking lot the Lord spoke so clearly to me.  He reminded me of the theme throughout this pregnancy of His faithfulness.  I became so convicted as I thought about the fact that from the moment I knew this little one was in my womb, God has given me such assurance and peace that he is perfectly healthy.  I thought about the Choroid Plexus Cysts and how after prayer they all disappeared.  I thought about his growth situation and how the Lord showed His hand by growing Ezra from the 15th percentile to the 56th percentile in one week!  I could clearly hear him say, "Child, you have trusted me in all of this, are you going to doubt me now?"  Wow. CON-VIC-TED.  I am so thankful for each and every moment he has allowed me to face the uncertainties throughout this whole experience because through them, I have seen His hand.  Regardless of what the outcome my God is faithful.  I know that this child and his momma are in his hands. 

Since then I have had my moments.  I am one big flaming ball of hormones, which makes being steadfast even more challenging than normal, but His grace is sufficient in my weakness.  Ive had a few crying fits alone with Him in prayer, pleading like a 4 year old to please, please just let me go into labor because I can't take anymore. As only my heavenly Father can do, He mercifully lets me get it all out and then speaks truth to my heart.  And sometimes, okay a lot of times, when I continue to carry on and on He says to me "Be still child." Whereas, I quickly reply "Yes Sir" lol.  I hear that a lot.  He is so faithful and patient with us.  I don't know what I would do without my sweet Jesus.  This world couldn't handle me.  I KNOW my dear husband is thankful for Him, otherwise he would be the one on the other end of these fits lol.

So I shall press on excitedly awaiting the arrival of our third little blessing.  I can hardly wait but as of this second, the Lord is making me so I will walk in the grace He has supplied for this day, in complete joy and peace knowing- MY GOD IS FAITHFUL!

rantings of a ticked off mama

We took the kids to see the new Disney Pixar movie Brave today.  Movie was cute but I have to say what left the most impression upon my heart were the previews.  First of all, all of the upcoming children's movie's were about darkness and death.  As Luke and I kept exchanging glances, my heart could not help but remember what scripture says about the times that we are embarking on.  Desensitising our youth to the reality of darkness by exposing them to vampires, ghosts and other such things that is portrayed in a funny light.  Believe me, I have stared darkness in the face and there is nothing funny or cute about it. 
Then comes the kicker, Katy Perry's upcoming movie about her life.  It begins by explaining how poor Katy was raised in a Christian home that held her down until she broke free and found her own voice.  First of all, anyone who prances around on stage in a swim suit twirling lollipops is not what I would deem of sound mind.  Honestly, I would love to say that my first reaction was that I was filled with compassion for poor Katy but it wasn't.  I was ticked.  I was ticked for my children and every other pair of innocent eyes sitting in that theater who came to see a "family" movie was getting this crap shoved down their throat.  I am angry at the lie that the enemy is constantly feeding our youth.  I am angry that I can no longer go to the movies with my children without being bombarded with inappropriate anti-Jesus lies.  The lines that used to be blurry, aren't so blurry anymore. The line is clearly drawn and it is time that we as ambassadors of Christ guard our children's hearts and minds from these lies. 
Turn on the t.v., radio or any other media source and this is what our children are being told:  Our boys are taught to lust after women, give themselves away to as many as they can because that is what gives them their worth.  Make as much money as you can because you are only worth the amount in your bank account.  Our little girls are taught to dress provocatively because your value comes from as many looks as you get.  You're never good enough.  Your worth is found in the size of you bra and blue jeans.  Little girls giving away their bodies looking for the security that they are missing in their homes.  This is a travesty!  I know these lies because I once believed them!  This makes me ANGRY!
Katy Perry's so called voice that she has found is pouring out of the speakers and into the hearts of our children all over the world.  Well Miss Perry, I know one little girl who will not be listening to your crap.  You paint the picture of Christians being weak, close-minded fools.  Well you are a puppet of the enemy, being used to spread the same lie that he has been spreading for a while.  My heart breaks for you because you are the one who is blind and in captivity by the enemy as a tool for his deceptive plan.  My anger is not at you, but at your king.
As Lecrea put it best, you want to be a real rebel, read your Bible and follow Jesus because no one is doing that these days.  Go against what the world says you must be in order to find worth and find your confidence in Christ.  Jesus was the ultimate rebel, renegade and outlaw.  He loved, he rebuked, he spoke the truth without fear, he died and overcame death!  That is MY JESUS! That is who I am following!  And He is coming back with a tattoo on his thigh and a sword from his mouth to complete his rescue plan and put an end to the lies once and for all.  That is my Jesus!  That is my King! The King of Kings! 

Dear Ezra (again),

My sweet Ezra,

Little one you are already bringing the Lord so much glory and you have yet to take your first breath!  Last Thursday(June 14) I went to see you on our big 32 week ultrasound.  I caught a glimpse of your sweet little face but you still wouldn't show the whole thing.  I guess you are keeping your good looks a surprise until they lay you on my chest.  They did say that you have hair so I am very excited to see how much!  According to my heart burn you should come out looking like Fabio, but lets hope not lol. 
After the ultrasound I went into the rfoom to see my doctor.  She had some concerns because you went from being in the 50th percentile in size to the 15th percentile.  You weighed 3.15 lbs. which was not much of an increase since your last measurements.  She was concerned that since your growth rate had slowed so much that something may be wrong with the placenta and she told me to cut my activity in half and increase my calorie intake.  If your growth continued to slow then I would have to be on strict bed rest and would probably have to be induced early because if the placenta was bad then you would, in essence, be starving in my womb.  She sent me back to see the specialist in a week for a further look.  Well, needless to say, that was not the news mommy wanted to hear.  I immediately began getting pounded by the enemy with feelings of guilt for not resting more and eating 'too healthy'.  Thankfully, after talking to your daddy he called that stupid devil out pretty quickly and spoke wisdom and life into my heart.
The first day I was just sad feeling and went home and slept.  After the clouds in my mind cleared, I knew that this was another opportunity for me to believe the gospel over my flesh.  I had prayed for you every day, and from the moment he placed your little being in my womb, He has given me a peace that you were going to be completely healthy.  When you had the cysts on your brain, I knew you were okay and this time was no different.  As I sat at his feet, he poured out his presence on me.  My heart laid bare before him, I asked him to once again make you completely healthy.  You are his creation, not mine.  I asked him to forgive my moments of doubt, and told him that I believe with all my heart that you are going to be perfectly healthy.  Not because of some magical prayer I have prayed, but because I felt that that was His will from the beginning.  But no matter what the outcome I trust Him.  I asked him to speak to my heart and give me ears to hear exactly what he wanted to say to my heart.  As I opened his word he led me to Mark 11:24 "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."  I knew that was exactly what He wanted to say.  Not because of any amount of faith I could conjure up, but only because the Holy Spirit in me knows the will of God and it was in agreement with every prayer that I had lifted up for you.  Because any faith that I have is only there because God has given it to me.  Because my health, and your health is not the highlight of this story.  Regardless of the outcome, through tears or joy, my hearts desire is for His perfect will to be done.. because it's just that.. perfect.  This story is not about me or my family.  It's about Him.  To display his infinite power, mercy, love and grace in a story called the gospel and I am just so blessed to get to be a part of it.  Thank you Jesus for those sweet words.  From that moment on, any opportunity for fear or doubt was completely cast out and I walked in complete peace and freedom knowing that my Daddy's got this. 
Well today has been a week since I received that news.  I woke up this morning with the song  "Your Love Never Fails" stuck in my head.  I worshipped all the way to the specialists office.  As your Daddy and I sat in there and the ultrasound tech  began to perform the scan, we noticed that she seemed to be taking the measurements over and over of your belly and your head.  After measuring at least 3 or 4 times she said very puzzled "Well, I am measuring him to be 5 and a half pounds, I have measured many times to make sure it was accurate but according to this he has gained a pound and a half in a week which would put him in the 56th percentile".  So in the matter of one week you went from the 15th percentile to the 56th which is unheard of!  Needless to say, I could not stop laughing!  I looked over at your daddy and we both had the biggest grin on our faces and immediately began giving God glory!  Little one, you are already being used to bring the King glory.  He is the God of the unexplainable!  I am overwhelmed with excitement to see in what other ways He is going to put His glory on display in your little life!  I am so thankful to be your mommy Ezra Daniel.  I cannot wait to see your sweet little face, kiss your chubby cheeks and look into the eyes of an answered prayer.  Each child God has graced your daddy and I with, has been an answer to a specific prayer.  You each were asked specifically for and he has displayed an outpouring of his love and power through each of you.  Don't ever question the greatness of our God.  Don't ever doubt His power and goodness not matter what circumstances you may face in your life.  I pray that you love Him with every fiber of your little being and that you chase after him with reckless abandon.  There is nothing like Him sweet one. 

Isaiah 26:3-4
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord is an everlasting rock."

happy anniversary

Seven years ago today, a very insecure, hard-headed and broken young lady carried all of her baggage down the isle to marry a very insecure, hard-headed and broken young man both in all sorts of bondage. Looking back at that scene I cant help but almost choke thinking of how differently things could have turned out. But God. In our hearts we loved one another as much as we were able at that time but we had absolutely no idea what we were doing. I knew that Luke was the man that I was supposed to marry. I just had no clue what the next seven years would hold. We loved one another passionately but were walking into marriage with very little bricks to build a house with. Both very ignorant as to what a gospel marriage looked like. We said I do and God began the refinement process which has been so extremely painful at times, but freeing and fulfilling like nothing else. God uncovered lies, betrayals, fears, hurts, bitterness, anger, guilts, insecurities and many, many more sins that had entangled the both of us only to leave two hearts humbly bare seeking to be reconciled and healed like only the Father can. Some of my greatest fears became my reality but God was faithful to stand us back on our feet and rock our world with the healing power and strength in his mighty hands. What Satan intended to destroy, God used to build our faith in him and love for one another. Sitting here today I can thankfully say that I love this man more than I ever thought possible. I have watched the Lord perform a miracle in his heart and He has graciously allowed me to be a part of it. I treasure that bond more today than ever.

God has used Luke to teach me so many things. How through my trust in Christ I can trust my husband. To allow my heart to be vulnerable, even though I was scared to death, because I know that's the way I am called to love him. One of the greatest things he has taught me through my marriage with Luke is how to let him love me. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but those were unfamiliar shoes to me. That goes hand in hand with being vulnerable, but I have always taken the martyr role in my important relationships. To allow someone else to see my innermost pains and fears and still love me was frightening to say the least. That was a place only Jesus saw because I have never trusted anyone else. He has blessed me with a husband who has become a safe place in this rough and painful world.

We both sit back and marvel at the work of redemption Jesus has done in each of us and in our marriage. It is incredible. In the past, I would see and hear the love stories of young couples who remained pure and seemed to have done it "right". I would find myself genuinely happy for these couples, but also feeling very condemned and guilty that we hadn't done it "right". Neither of us were pure when we were married and really had absolutely no idea why we should remain pure except that that's what we grew up hearing. We walked around for years in condemnation and guilt for our past mistakes. Until, just like the bleeding woman who was healed by touching the cloak of Jesus, I realized I had been made clean a long time ago and it was high time I forgave myself. There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. Thank you Lord. He has shown us what the Bible actually says about sex and what it was created for, undoing years of lies we had been fed by media and society. Now, I understand that we all have a different story. I know it was not God's desire for Luke and I to make those past mistakes, but you better believe Christ died for each of them and now uses them for His glory. It may not have been the easiest road that we have walked, but we have seen first hand the magnificence of God and for that I wouldn't have it any other way! He has united us together in Him more solid and strong through the weathered storms. I stand here today looking back at that girl who married that boy.. both unrecognizable to us.. only to the glory of God. I wouldn't trade our story for anything, because after all, its not a story about us. It has Soli Deo gloria written over it with His handwriting.

Joshua Luke Richardson,

I cant say enough how thankful I am that God chose me to be your wife. Your helper. Your love for the Father and your passion for his word is the greatest gift I have as your wife. The way you love me is second. Thank you for fighting for me, for us. Thank you for loving our children and for your commitment to leading them in love to Jesus. You amaze me. Thank you for being my safe place. I love you more today than I ever thought I could and I am so incredibly excited to see what the next chapter of this story he is writing holds. I am honored to share this life with you and pray that He gives me the strength and wisdom to love you and serve you the way he has called me to. I love you forever.

Lissa Gayle