These past few months have been a struggle to say the least. God is doing an amazing work in my heart and of course, no surprise Satan has amped up his attack on me. What Satan doesn't seem to get is the more he attacks, the more he pushes me to the arms of my Savior who in turn shows himself faithful to strengthen and revive my soul. I can see so clearly Satan's strategy. It's the same card he always pulls when God brings me to a whole new level in my walk with him. Family. This heart bears some very deep wounds that have been scabbed over for years and within a matter of seconds they were all ripped open and once again I was left to deal with a bleeding heart. I was under the impression that I was over all of this, that I had dealt with it and moved on. At the sight of her blood shot eyes, her staggering stance and the smell of stale liquor even after all of these years, all of those feelings came flooding back except this time it was much more intense. The rejection, the abandonment, the lack of love from the one person who is suppose to love me more than anyone. I am almost 28 years old and at that moment I was a child again. All of the anger and frustration exploded in my heart as it did so many times before. I don't know why it was so much more intense than ever before. Maybe because I have since become a mother myself and as I stare in the eyes of my children I can't imagine choosing a selfish escape to alcohol over fighting for them. I am not one to candy-coat anything. My view of life is pretty literal and practical. I don't tell myself lies in order to soften the blow. I am an 'it is what it is' kind of girl. And the truth is she does not love me and never has. I believe she desires to love me, she has affection for me and loves the idea of me but she does not love me. That hurts. I have walked around my whole life with this rejection. It has affected choices I have made as a teen that I absolutely regret. It has affected the way I see myself and my view of God. I have battled the demon of insecurity for as long as I can remember. I have never been enough. I am not blaming her for these things, because I am responsible for every decision I have ever made all I am saying is walking around in this world with anger, bitterness, rejection and worthlessness has a major affect on your perspective. But God has changed so much of that. I have tasted victory over all of these things and that makes my enemy very angry. This was his opportunity and he took it. It felt like a sucker punch to the stomach. After the series of events I was left with all of those feelings again and this time, instead of gritting my teeth and pushing through like I had always done before. I ran to the feet of my Savior, my safe place, and laid my bleeding heart bare before him, knowing that only He could heal me. I was reminded of the story of the bleeding lady in the crowd who reached up and touched the cloak of Jesus' garment because she knew if she could just touch him, she would be healed. He called her daughter, and she was healed. I began to see that anger creep back and over the past week I have lacked the peace that I usually have in Him. I am so thankful that He opened my eyes to see it and came to my rescue. It is so difficult for me to admit this hurts me, I don't know why, but it is. But I know He knows my heart before I utter a word. He knows how I have dealt with this in the past and He has better plans in store for me. You see, what Satan intended to knock me down, God is using to build me up. He allowed this to come back into my life and rip open all these old wounds only so that He can heal them for good. I know that He has a plan for me in women's ministry, He has shown that to me clearly and quite frankly I feel like the most retarded candidate for the job because of how screwed up every important woman relationship is in my life. They have all walked out on me, they have all hurt me deeply and rejected me only to leave me jaded and angry (He's changing that too by the way). That is his way though, and I love it. He uses the absolute weakest to do His work so that He receives the glory. I love His ways. He is teaching me when to love, let go and move on without guilt. I by no means have this figured out, He has me on incredibly painful yet rewarding journey. I know through every tear He has been and is there and He is faithful to bring this work that He has started to completion. I feel more vulnerable now than I have ever felt in my life and it scares the pants off of me but I know I am safe in His arms. I know this is so choppy and jumbled up because there is such a magnitude of growth going on in me, there are no words to convey it all. In all of the circumstances and pains it all points back to one thing. I have a Father who loves me, who accepts me, who has called me daughter, who is faithful and that is ALL I need.
Sweet Lord,
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for calling me yours, not because of anything good I have done but only because of grace. Thank you for allowing me to experience every stitch of rejection so to be found excepted by you. Thank you for allowing me to experience abandonment so to be adopted as your daughter. Thank you for every lack of love from those who have failed so to see how deep your love runs for me. You know these wounds. Heal me sweet Jesus. My heart is yours and only yours. Thank you for bringing me to a place of complete dependence on you so to see your faithfulness time and time again. I love you. I pray my life says that each and every day.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
a dead city who thinks it's alive
One of the biggest deceptions in our culture is the sense of false security. A people fed the lie that because they said this specific prayer, walked the isle and attend church every week that they are good and they have all they need when really all they have is an empty religion and a weekly ritual. We pray these prayers and tell these people that because they say these magic words their lives will be forever changed and then we drop them like a bad habit. There is never any life change. There is never any fruit. Jesus said go make disciples. This requires time invested in those whom Christ has called. Christ was the perfect example. He had his disciples who lived with him. They studied under him, they watched his every move and when Christ gave them the great commission, these men were not perfect, but they knew Jesus. He didn't say "Hey Simon Peter, come pray this prayer, fill out this card and you're all good brother! Good luck figuring it all out!" We have fattened our egos with big numbers all the while starving the body of Christ. I look around in my city and it is filled with people who really believe this is all there is to the gospel. They think they are good, they got their fire insurance. Hear me when I say being a Christian is not linked to being southern! Christianity has become a bible-belt southern thing. This personally, drives me crazy. The mentality is "Well of course I'm a Christian! I go to church every Sunday and most of the time Wednesday (followed by an eatin' meetin' afterwards), I tithe my ten percent and serve on all the important committees, plus I have a southern accent!" This deception is all a plan of the enemy. If he can trick you into believing you are really a Christian without really knowing Jesus then he accomplishes two things. One, is you, in fact, are not a true follower of Christ because there has never been a submission to His authority over your heart and life (i.e. no life change) and two, you are a false representation of who Jesus is to other non-believers. You carry the name of Jesus but have no idea who he is and therefore live a dead life, wearing his name in vain. I know this may seem very harsh and well, you're right it is. But the fact is I'm angry about it. I'm angry at the watered down religion I was fed and I'm angry its created a dead city who thinks they are alive. Really and truly, if you know Him then this should tick you off too. Here is the encouragement, we have the truth at our fingertips in His holy word. Seek Him, obey Him and abide in Him and He will do the rest. We cannot do this alone (thank goodness because I fail miserably at discipleship) with a willing and obedient heart, Christ is glorified.
Now, do you really know Him?
Now, do you really know Him?
Friday, March 23, 2012
Calvinism, Arminianism.... Labelism
I don't like labels. It seems that everywhere I go lately all I hear is the debate between Calvinism and Arminianism. While I firmly believe there is but ONE truth. It breaks my heart to see division within the body of Christ over labels. So for all who are curious about where Luke and I stand, here it is...
Do I believe that God is completely sovereign and that He calls who He wishes, absolutely! There is no way that you can read the scriptures and not believe that. If you don't agree, Paul lays it out much better than I ever could in Romans 9 and that's just one place. Scripture also says that He desires all to be saved and to come to the knowledge of truth. He is an absolute loving Father. He created love. But He is also just and His ways are so much higher than our ways. I believe that God's heart is always love, however He has a perfect will that ultimately will put His justice, mercy, grace, goodness and power on display for all the world to see. If you don't believe me then just ask yourself these questions. "If He is the One who is, who was, and who is to come then do I believe that He knows those who ultimately will spend eternity with him?" If you answer yes, then ask yourself, "If He knows those who are not His, then why did He choose to still create them?" The answer to this everytime is that He is sovereign, and the potter can make and do whatever He wishes. We can't truly worship in humility and complete reverence, a God that we chose from the religion buffet. If you belong to Him, it's because He chose you not vice versa. A common misbelief when it comes to election, is the belief that if one were to desire to know God then he couldnt because he wasnt a 'chosen one'. Lol thats nuts. If your heart desires to know Him, it is because He placed that desire in your heart and He is calling you to Him. We love because He first loved us. He owes us nothing and we owe him everything. If this makes you angry at me, sorry. I would encourage you to ask your own heart why this makes you so uncomfortable. If it's because it's different than what you grew up being taught, then I would say that's a good reason to get out the scriptures and seek the truth for yourself. Don't just trust what is handed to you from me, from your pastor or your parents. Seek the truth for yourself! Hold what you believe up against the Holy Word and see if it lines up.
I come from two very different spectrums in the religious world. I grew up charasmatic/baptist lol. This led to a very confused teenager being taught two different things. I remember the day I sat on my bed with my Bible in my lap. My heart and mind were riddled with confusion and frustration. I prayed that day for God to show me His truth. Not what I grew up hearing, not what anyone else's interpretation was. I wanted His heart. His truth. Nothing more, nothing less. Take this religion and tradition and give me Jesus. He has been so faithful to do so. I am not knocking any of these religions, I know some of the most godly folks who go to all kinds of different churches. That's why I hate labels. Someone says Baptist and you automatically think, stiff knecked, sunday school and hymnals. Someone says charasmatic and you automatically think pew jumpin' and speaking in tounges. I know this because I have been guilty of it! You may not like me, you may not agree with me that is okay, because I still love you :) but I will not accept any label but the one written on my forehead that says I belong to the King. We are called to love. You can take anyone on this planet, the more you get to know them, eventually you will find something that you disagree on. Let's not get lost in labels or in useless debates over which side of the fence eachother is on. Dig in His word and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal His truth to your heart. He is faithful to do so! I don't know about you but from what He has shown me so far, His heart is more beautiful than anything and I cant get enough of it!
Do I believe that God is completely sovereign and that He calls who He wishes, absolutely! There is no way that you can read the scriptures and not believe that. If you don't agree, Paul lays it out much better than I ever could in Romans 9 and that's just one place. Scripture also says that He desires all to be saved and to come to the knowledge of truth. He is an absolute loving Father. He created love. But He is also just and His ways are so much higher than our ways. I believe that God's heart is always love, however He has a perfect will that ultimately will put His justice, mercy, grace, goodness and power on display for all the world to see. If you don't believe me then just ask yourself these questions. "If He is the One who is, who was, and who is to come then do I believe that He knows those who ultimately will spend eternity with him?" If you answer yes, then ask yourself, "If He knows those who are not His, then why did He choose to still create them?" The answer to this everytime is that He is sovereign, and the potter can make and do whatever He wishes. We can't truly worship in humility and complete reverence, a God that we chose from the religion buffet. If you belong to Him, it's because He chose you not vice versa. A common misbelief when it comes to election, is the belief that if one were to desire to know God then he couldnt because he wasnt a 'chosen one'. Lol thats nuts. If your heart desires to know Him, it is because He placed that desire in your heart and He is calling you to Him. We love because He first loved us. He owes us nothing and we owe him everything. If this makes you angry at me, sorry. I would encourage you to ask your own heart why this makes you so uncomfortable. If it's because it's different than what you grew up being taught, then I would say that's a good reason to get out the scriptures and seek the truth for yourself. Don't just trust what is handed to you from me, from your pastor or your parents. Seek the truth for yourself! Hold what you believe up against the Holy Word and see if it lines up.
I come from two very different spectrums in the religious world. I grew up charasmatic/baptist lol. This led to a very confused teenager being taught two different things. I remember the day I sat on my bed with my Bible in my lap. My heart and mind were riddled with confusion and frustration. I prayed that day for God to show me His truth. Not what I grew up hearing, not what anyone else's interpretation was. I wanted His heart. His truth. Nothing more, nothing less. Take this religion and tradition and give me Jesus. He has been so faithful to do so. I am not knocking any of these religions, I know some of the most godly folks who go to all kinds of different churches. That's why I hate labels. Someone says Baptist and you automatically think, stiff knecked, sunday school and hymnals. Someone says charasmatic and you automatically think pew jumpin' and speaking in tounges. I know this because I have been guilty of it! You may not like me, you may not agree with me that is okay, because I still love you :) but I will not accept any label but the one written on my forehead that says I belong to the King. We are called to love. You can take anyone on this planet, the more you get to know them, eventually you will find something that you disagree on. Let's not get lost in labels or in useless debates over which side of the fence eachother is on. Dig in His word and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal His truth to your heart. He is faithful to do so! I don't know about you but from what He has shown me so far, His heart is more beautiful than anything and I cant get enough of it!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Dear Ezra,
Ezra,
Yesterday afternoon Mommy went to the doctor and had an ultrasound to check your development. It has been 19 weeks since God placed you in my womb. So far your time in my tummy has been much easier than your big brother and sister. I am praying that you are my 'peaceful' child ha! From the moment I saw the positive sign on my pregnancy test, God has given me such a great peace about you. I have not been anxious about your health or well-being and as I drove to my appointment yesterday, there was no difference. My heart was filled with excitement to get to see you and how much you have grown. After the ultrasound, I sat in the patient room waiting to see my doctor. After she looked at your pictures, she came in and told me that you looked perfect except that you have what is called, Choroid plexus cysts on your brain. She explained that this is weakly related to down syndrome however, they want to explore more just to be sure so she referred me to a specialist to get a level 2 ultrasound done. Little one, all these things are just details and the only reason I am even sharing them is because Mommy wants you to know that even as I sat there and heard that there is a possibility that you could have a disability, our faithful Father graced your momma with so much peace that it even astounded me. You see, earlier that morning, as I sat before the Lord, I asked Him to give me more faith and I knew as I prayed those words that it would come through something to do with your time in my womb. The truth of it is, even if He allowed us to walk that road, He is faithful and He is good. I believe with all of my heart that you are perfectly healthy, but even if you weren't, that would not change my love for you for a single second. It would not make me disappointed or fearful because you, my darling, are fearfully and wonderfully made by our Father. I loved you before He formed you. Mommy prayed and asked our sweet Father to bless us with another little blessing and He said yes by giving us you. I know that you are going to be a very special little boy. I have a deep conviction that He is going to use you and your siblings in mighty ways. I pray for you every day. For your health, your journey into this world and most of all for God to place a strong desire and burning passion for Him in your heart. You are so blessed by two very special siblings who are very excited to meet you. Your big brother Elijah kisses my tummy and talks to you all the time. Your big sister Halle thinks that I have named my belly button Ezra, ha, but I have no doubt when she understands she will be thrilled! God has also blessed you with an amazing daddy who is already in love with you. He works hard, laughs hard, prays hard and loves hard. He has a deep love and a burning passion for Jesus and is bursting with excitement at any opportunity to teach you about Him. We are so excited to meet you and watch you grow to be a man who reveres the King. I have no doubt that you are perfect. Not by any standards of this world, but by the standards of your Creator. I am praying that when we go see this specialist Monday, that these cysts are gone and that it will be all for the glory of the Lord. Already, your life is bringing Him praise and you haven't even taken your first breath. I just want you to know that our Father is good and our Father is faithful. It is Mommy and Daddy's greatest mission to live our lives in front of you children so to see the face of Jesus. Although, we mess up time and time again, His mercy remains. In these times of uncertainty, we have a hope that still holds firm and that is our hope in Jesus. We have joy through tears and His word chases away all fear. My sweet boy, He is more than my words could ever express so I am looking forward to the opportunity to show you day after day, trial after trial, who He is and what we have in Him. I cant wait to see your sweet, precious face. I cant wait to finally hold you in my arms. I love you little boy and I am so honored to be your mommy.
March 14, 2012
Yesterday afternoon Mommy went to the doctor and had an ultrasound to check your development. It has been 19 weeks since God placed you in my womb. So far your time in my tummy has been much easier than your big brother and sister. I am praying that you are my 'peaceful' child ha! From the moment I saw the positive sign on my pregnancy test, God has given me such a great peace about you. I have not been anxious about your health or well-being and as I drove to my appointment yesterday, there was no difference. My heart was filled with excitement to get to see you and how much you have grown. After the ultrasound, I sat in the patient room waiting to see my doctor. After she looked at your pictures, she came in and told me that you looked perfect except that you have what is called, Choroid plexus cysts on your brain. She explained that this is weakly related to down syndrome however, they want to explore more just to be sure so she referred me to a specialist to get a level 2 ultrasound done. Little one, all these things are just details and the only reason I am even sharing them is because Mommy wants you to know that even as I sat there and heard that there is a possibility that you could have a disability, our faithful Father graced your momma with so much peace that it even astounded me. You see, earlier that morning, as I sat before the Lord, I asked Him to give me more faith and I knew as I prayed those words that it would come through something to do with your time in my womb. The truth of it is, even if He allowed us to walk that road, He is faithful and He is good. I believe with all of my heart that you are perfectly healthy, but even if you weren't, that would not change my love for you for a single second. It would not make me disappointed or fearful because you, my darling, are fearfully and wonderfully made by our Father. I loved you before He formed you. Mommy prayed and asked our sweet Father to bless us with another little blessing and He said yes by giving us you. I know that you are going to be a very special little boy. I have a deep conviction that He is going to use you and your siblings in mighty ways. I pray for you every day. For your health, your journey into this world and most of all for God to place a strong desire and burning passion for Him in your heart. You are so blessed by two very special siblings who are very excited to meet you. Your big brother Elijah kisses my tummy and talks to you all the time. Your big sister Halle thinks that I have named my belly button Ezra, ha, but I have no doubt when she understands she will be thrilled! God has also blessed you with an amazing daddy who is already in love with you. He works hard, laughs hard, prays hard and loves hard. He has a deep love and a burning passion for Jesus and is bursting with excitement at any opportunity to teach you about Him. We are so excited to meet you and watch you grow to be a man who reveres the King. I have no doubt that you are perfect. Not by any standards of this world, but by the standards of your Creator. I am praying that when we go see this specialist Monday, that these cysts are gone and that it will be all for the glory of the Lord. Already, your life is bringing Him praise and you haven't even taken your first breath. I just want you to know that our Father is good and our Father is faithful. It is Mommy and Daddy's greatest mission to live our lives in front of you children so to see the face of Jesus. Although, we mess up time and time again, His mercy remains. In these times of uncertainty, we have a hope that still holds firm and that is our hope in Jesus. We have joy through tears and His word chases away all fear. My sweet boy, He is more than my words could ever express so I am looking forward to the opportunity to show you day after day, trial after trial, who He is and what we have in Him. I cant wait to see your sweet, precious face. I cant wait to finally hold you in my arms. I love you little boy and I am so honored to be your mommy.
March 14, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
light shined on the accuser
I have always struggled with self condemnation and guilt. Even when I know in my heart that I have done nothing wrong, I will make the problem my fault. I can't stand it when someone has something against me. You may think that is a good thing, because I did to. But I am seeing that it can be a terrible thing. Scripture clearly says that we should do our part to live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:8). Also, not to offer sacrifices to God if your brother has something against you, but to go make things right with him first and then come offer your sacrifices to God (Matthew 5:23-24). I believe it is imperative to examine our hearts and relationships. Making sure there is no bitterness or hatred but only love. When we do make mistakes and hurt others, we should be quick to hold ourselves accountable to the ones we hurt and also to the Father. Likewise, when others hurt us we should be quick to forgive those who wrong us.
In this circumstance I have soberly examined the situation and my heart and I know that I handled it the wisest way that I could but still that other person is angry with me. Angry to the point of hating me, slandering my name and accusing me of all sorts of things that I know I am not guilty of. I know that everything that I have done has been out of love and a desire to help. I have peace in that. However, this past week I have felt this broad and confusing feeling of guilt. As I sit at the feet of Jesus and place these feelings before him, He clearly reminds me of who it is that is accusing me. He isn't named the "Accuser" for nothing. Jesus also reminds me that I stand guilt free in the shadow of His cross. I am by NO means perfect. I am reminded daily of this wretched flesh that I carry around with me. But I know that in this specific situation that I have spoken truth. That I have loved. That I have been prayerful about my decisions. In these things I rest. Christ Jesus said "Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you and spurn your name as evil, on account of the Son of Man! Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven; for so their fathers did to the prophets." The Accuser has been trying to steal my joy. Does this situation hurt my heart? Yes. Does it destroy me? Never. Satan has tried for years to destroy me through the acts of others. But what he needs to realize is those beautiful nail scared hands hold this woman's heart and there is NOTHING that can snatch me out of them (John 10:28)! Covered by the blood of Jesus I stand innocent and free!
Revelation 12:10-11
'And I heard a loud voice in heaven saying, " Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God. And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death."'
In this circumstance I have soberly examined the situation and my heart and I know that I handled it the wisest way that I could but still that other person is angry with me. Angry to the point of hating me, slandering my name and accusing me of all sorts of things that I know I am not guilty of. I know that everything that I have done has been out of love and a desire to help. I have peace in that. However, this past week I have felt this broad and confusing feeling of guilt. As I sit at the feet of Jesus and place these feelings before him, He clearly reminds me of who it is that is accusing me. He isn't named the "Accuser" for nothing. Jesus also reminds me that I stand guilt free in the shadow of His cross. I am by NO means perfect. I am reminded daily of this wretched flesh that I carry around with me. But I know that in this specific situation that I have spoken truth. That I have loved. That I have been prayerful about my decisions. In these things I rest. Christ Jesus said "Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you and spurn your name as evil, on account of the Son of Man! Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven; for so their fathers did to the prophets." The Accuser has been trying to steal my joy. Does this situation hurt my heart? Yes. Does it destroy me? Never. Satan has tried for years to destroy me through the acts of others. But what he needs to realize is those beautiful nail scared hands hold this woman's heart and there is NOTHING that can snatch me out of them (John 10:28)! Covered by the blood of Jesus I stand innocent and free!
Revelation 12:10-11
'And I heard a loud voice in heaven saying, " Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God. And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death."'
Friday, February 24, 2012
all this I will testify
I have looked evil in the eye and experienced the power in the name of Jesus
I have felt His loving arms of comfort wrap around me in my darkest hour
My heart has felt His healing hands weaving together the brokeness to create a beautiful masterpiece
I have heard His sweet voice whisper His truths into my heart when I was filled with doubt and despair
His hands bear the imprint of mine as He has held me so tightly throughout my time here (Isaiah 49:16)
I have felt His mighty arm lift me up to supply all strength to face trials that I never thought I could endure
I have felt the outpouring of His compassion and grace that has covered all my failures
I have stood on the faith He has placed in my heart to trust in Him alone
I have been struck down but by His mighty power NEVER am I destroyed
I have seen evil flee at His very name
I was a captive that He set free
I have felt His love cover me as He calls me child
I have felt His gentle hand wipe away my tears
He has filled me in abundance where I have experienced loss
I have felt His arms lift me high and carry me when these legs couldn't bare anymore
I have felt His joy in the dark
I have heard His voice calling, drawing this wandering heart back home
I have felt His fiery passion burn intensely within me
All this I will testify to. I will never be silent for I know the One who calls me daughter and He alone is worthy. No one or nothing can take this away. I am humbled and thankful for every trial, every slap in my face, every back turned to me, every pierce of my heart, every time I have stumbled. It is through all of these things that I can testify to who He is. He is writing a beautiful story of rescue and redemption all for His glory. I am overwhelmed with thankfulness that He has called me daughter.
I have felt His loving arms of comfort wrap around me in my darkest hour
My heart has felt His healing hands weaving together the brokeness to create a beautiful masterpiece
I have heard His sweet voice whisper His truths into my heart when I was filled with doubt and despair
His hands bear the imprint of mine as He has held me so tightly throughout my time here (Isaiah 49:16)
I have felt His mighty arm lift me up to supply all strength to face trials that I never thought I could endure
I have felt the outpouring of His compassion and grace that has covered all my failures
I have stood on the faith He has placed in my heart to trust in Him alone
I have been struck down but by His mighty power NEVER am I destroyed
I have seen evil flee at His very name
I was a captive that He set free
I have felt His love cover me as He calls me child
I have felt His gentle hand wipe away my tears
He has filled me in abundance where I have experienced loss
I have felt His arms lift me high and carry me when these legs couldn't bare anymore
I have felt His joy in the dark
I have heard His voice calling, drawing this wandering heart back home
I have felt His fiery passion burn intensely within me
All this I will testify to. I will never be silent for I know the One who calls me daughter and He alone is worthy. No one or nothing can take this away. I am humbled and thankful for every trial, every slap in my face, every back turned to me, every pierce of my heart, every time I have stumbled. It is through all of these things that I can testify to who He is. He is writing a beautiful story of rescue and redemption all for His glory. I am overwhelmed with thankfulness that He has called me daughter.
I am my beloveds and He is mine.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
out of the drought, swimming in the living water!
Phew. Where do I begin? My intentions of writing this blog is to build an "alter" in remembrance of the journey I just walked.
Over the past two months (I'm guesstimating b/c its felt like months and months), I have struggled in desperation to understand the hole I have felt in my heart. I have been so extremely blessed to have such an intimate relationship with Jesus. I could never put into words the bond and the closeness that I have walked in with Him, especially over the past six years. He is my most intimate and best friend. I just cant possibly put it into words. Trying to do so leaves me scratching my head in frustration. But I will say that I have felt His presence constantly in my day to day. Only on my face at His feet am I most vulnerable and raw. I have known nothing else in my life. There was a period of time in my adolescence where I walked in disobedience and boy did I suffer the consequences. I could almost hear him saying "Child what are you doing? STOP IT!". I finally did and never looked back. Over the past few months its like that was gone. The love for Him was still very much there and I knew he heard my prayers because His Word says so. It has been a season where I felt He was nowhere to be found, yet I knew He was there if that makes any sense. I examined my heart for unconfessed sin, I wondered if it was pregnancy hormones, I pleaded with Him to show me what it was so that I could confess, repent and feel His presence again. I was left standing in a desert dying of thirst for Him, but could not find Him. After I wasn't convicted of any unconfessed sin, I just said "This is when I have to stand on the truth, even when I don't feel it and trust that whatever this is will pass". So I struggled through my prayers and reading His Word. I felt like when I would go sit at the familiar feet of the one I know so well, its like He was so far and as if I didn't even know Him. I have been so extremely frustrated. It felt like the biggest part of me was gone.
Tonight while I was taking a bath, I started thinking about all of these very knowledgeable and wise people. Those that other Christians quote. Those that stand in pulpits and bring the truth and write these books that everyone talks about. I can often feel so inferior and insecure about my knowledge of the scripture in the shadow of these people. And then it happened. I heard that sweet voice that I have longed to hear for months now. "You know me and I am all you need." 2 Corinthians 10:12 says "...But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding." THANK YOU JESUS! I realized that I had allowed myself to sink into an insecurity about all that I am not instead of resting in all that I am in Christ. All of these materials are wonderful and so helpful in study, but we must not lose our first love and that is knowing and seeking the heart of Jesus. At that moment its like His presence came flooding back and I immediately began to weep. It was as though I was seeing my love that I had been apart from and missed so desperately. Satan is crafty and slick, he studies us and is waiting for his opportunity to devour. He knows that I recognize his voice when it is loud, but he had been whispering these lies to me for a while that has bred this insecurity that I had been walking in of who I was in Jesus. Get the behind me! He may be crafty but my GOD is FAITHFUL and His Word says NEVER will He leave me nor forsake me! And He loves me too much to not speak that truth into me when He sees me struggling. He is so good!
I was also reminded of the prayers that I prayed right before this disconnect happened. I pleaded with the Lord to break my heart for his lost children. In my life, I don't ever remember not knowing the Lord. Although that is such a blessing, it has also made it difficult for me to sympathize with those who are lost. I just don't get it. I wanted that to change and knew that it needed to if I was ever going to be obedient in the great commission. I believe with all my heart that by him allowing me to feel his absence, was an answer to that prayer. I cannot imagine living life with an emptiness like that. I know He was still with me b/c his word says that. However, I do believe he allowed me to feel like he wasn't to create in me a deeper compassion for those who walk in that emptiness. I am so thankful that He answered that prayer. I am so thankful He is back and like a child I am clinging with white knuckles to him. I said aloud "Don't EVER do that again, please" lol. Like one who has thirsted for months, I finally tasted the living water again. If you are walking in that emptiness, I plead with you please please please call to Him. There is no one or nothing like sweet Jesus. Thank you Lord for loving this sheep to refine my heart and never let me out of your sight. You have my heart forever.
Over the past two months (I'm guesstimating b/c its felt like months and months), I have struggled in desperation to understand the hole I have felt in my heart. I have been so extremely blessed to have such an intimate relationship with Jesus. I could never put into words the bond and the closeness that I have walked in with Him, especially over the past six years. He is my most intimate and best friend. I just cant possibly put it into words. Trying to do so leaves me scratching my head in frustration. But I will say that I have felt His presence constantly in my day to day. Only on my face at His feet am I most vulnerable and raw. I have known nothing else in my life. There was a period of time in my adolescence where I walked in disobedience and boy did I suffer the consequences. I could almost hear him saying "Child what are you doing? STOP IT!". I finally did and never looked back. Over the past few months its like that was gone. The love for Him was still very much there and I knew he heard my prayers because His Word says so. It has been a season where I felt He was nowhere to be found, yet I knew He was there if that makes any sense. I examined my heart for unconfessed sin, I wondered if it was pregnancy hormones, I pleaded with Him to show me what it was so that I could confess, repent and feel His presence again. I was left standing in a desert dying of thirst for Him, but could not find Him. After I wasn't convicted of any unconfessed sin, I just said "This is when I have to stand on the truth, even when I don't feel it and trust that whatever this is will pass". So I struggled through my prayers and reading His Word. I felt like when I would go sit at the familiar feet of the one I know so well, its like He was so far and as if I didn't even know Him. I have been so extremely frustrated. It felt like the biggest part of me was gone.
Tonight while I was taking a bath, I started thinking about all of these very knowledgeable and wise people. Those that other Christians quote. Those that stand in pulpits and bring the truth and write these books that everyone talks about. I can often feel so inferior and insecure about my knowledge of the scripture in the shadow of these people. And then it happened. I heard that sweet voice that I have longed to hear for months now. "You know me and I am all you need." 2 Corinthians 10:12 says "...But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding." THANK YOU JESUS! I realized that I had allowed myself to sink into an insecurity about all that I am not instead of resting in all that I am in Christ. All of these materials are wonderful and so helpful in study, but we must not lose our first love and that is knowing and seeking the heart of Jesus. At that moment its like His presence came flooding back and I immediately began to weep. It was as though I was seeing my love that I had been apart from and missed so desperately. Satan is crafty and slick, he studies us and is waiting for his opportunity to devour. He knows that I recognize his voice when it is loud, but he had been whispering these lies to me for a while that has bred this insecurity that I had been walking in of who I was in Jesus. Get the behind me! He may be crafty but my GOD is FAITHFUL and His Word says NEVER will He leave me nor forsake me! And He loves me too much to not speak that truth into me when He sees me struggling. He is so good!
I was also reminded of the prayers that I prayed right before this disconnect happened. I pleaded with the Lord to break my heart for his lost children. In my life, I don't ever remember not knowing the Lord. Although that is such a blessing, it has also made it difficult for me to sympathize with those who are lost. I just don't get it. I wanted that to change and knew that it needed to if I was ever going to be obedient in the great commission. I believe with all my heart that by him allowing me to feel his absence, was an answer to that prayer. I cannot imagine living life with an emptiness like that. I know He was still with me b/c his word says that. However, I do believe he allowed me to feel like he wasn't to create in me a deeper compassion for those who walk in that emptiness. I am so thankful that He answered that prayer. I am so thankful He is back and like a child I am clinging with white knuckles to him. I said aloud "Don't EVER do that again, please" lol. Like one who has thirsted for months, I finally tasted the living water again. If you are walking in that emptiness, I plead with you please please please call to Him. There is no one or nothing like sweet Jesus. Thank you Lord for loving this sheep to refine my heart and never let me out of your sight. You have my heart forever.
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