out of the drought, swimming in the living water!

Phew.  Where do I begin?  My intentions of writing this blog is to build an "alter" in remembrance of the journey I just walked.
Over the past two months (I'm guesstimating b/c its felt like months and months), I have struggled in desperation to understand the hole I have felt in my heart.  I have been so extremely blessed to have such an intimate relationship with Jesus.  I could never put into words the bond and the closeness that I have walked in with Him, especially over the past six years. He is my most intimate and best friend.  I just cant possibly put it into words.  Trying to do so leaves me scratching my head in frustration.  But I will say that I have felt His presence constantly in my day to day. Only on my face at His feet am I most vulnerable and raw.  I have known nothing else in my life.  There was a period of time in my adolescence where I walked in disobedience and boy did I suffer the consequences.  I could almost hear him saying "Child what are you doing? STOP IT!".  I finally did and never looked back.  Over the past few months its like that was gone.  The love for Him was still very much there and I knew he heard my prayers because His Word says so.  It has been a season where I felt He was nowhere to be found, yet I knew He was there if that makes any sense.  I examined my heart for unconfessed sin, I wondered if it was pregnancy hormones, I pleaded with Him to show me what it was so that I could confess, repent and feel His presence again.  I was left standing in a desert dying of thirst for Him, but could not find Him.  After I wasn't convicted of any unconfessed sin, I just said "This is when I have to stand on the truth, even when I don't feel it and trust that whatever this is will pass".  So I struggled through my prayers and reading His Word.  I felt like when I would go sit at the familiar feet of the one I know so well, its like He was so far and as if I didn't even know Him.  I have been so extremely frustrated.  It felt like the biggest part of me was gone. 
Tonight while I was taking a bath, I started thinking about all of these very knowledgeable and wise people.  Those that other Christians quote.  Those that stand in pulpits and bring the truth and write these books that everyone talks about.  I can often feel so inferior and insecure about my knowledge of the scripture in the shadow of these people.  And then it happened. I heard that sweet voice that I have longed to hear for months now.  "You know me and I am all you need." 2 Corinthians 10:12 says "...But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding."  THANK YOU JESUS!  I realized that I had allowed myself to sink into an insecurity about all that I am not instead of resting in all that I am in Christ.  All of these materials are wonderful and so helpful in study, but we must not lose our first love and that is knowing and seeking the heart of Jesus.  At that moment its like His presence came flooding back and I immediately began to weep.  It was as though I was seeing my love that I had been apart from and missed so desperately.  Satan is crafty and slick, he studies us and is waiting for his opportunity to devour.  He knows that I recognize his voice when it is loud, but he had been whispering these lies to me for a while that has bred this insecurity that I had been walking in of who I was in Jesus.  Get the behind me!  He may be crafty but my GOD is FAITHFUL and His Word says NEVER will He leave me nor forsake me!  And He loves me too much to not speak that truth into me when He sees me struggling.  He is so good!
I was also reminded of the prayers that I prayed right before this disconnect happened.  I pleaded with the Lord to break my heart for his lost children.  In my life, I don't ever remember not knowing the Lord.  Although that is such a blessing, it has also made it difficult for me to sympathize with those who are lost.  I just don't get it.  I wanted that to change and knew that it needed to if I was ever going to be obedient in the great commission.  I believe with all my heart that by him allowing me to feel his absence, was an answer to that prayer.  I cannot imagine living life with an emptiness like that.  I know He was still with me b/c his word says that. However, I do believe he allowed me to feel like he wasn't to create in me a deeper compassion for those who walk in that emptiness.  I am so thankful that He answered that prayer.  I am so thankful He is back and like a child I am clinging with white knuckles to him.  I said aloud "Don't EVER do that again, please" lol.  Like one who has thirsted for months, I finally tasted the living water again.  If you are walking in that emptiness, I plead with you please please please call to Him.  There is no one or nothing like sweet Jesus.  Thank you Lord for loving this sheep to refine my heart and never let me out of your sight.  You have my heart forever.