light shined on the accuser

I have always struggled with self condemnation and guilt.  Even when I know in my heart that I have done nothing wrong, I will make the problem my fault.  I can't stand it when someone has something against me.  You may think that is a good thing, because I did to.  But I am seeing that it can be a terrible thing.  Scripture clearly says that we should do our part to live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:8).  Also, not to offer sacrifices to God if your brother has something against you, but to go make things right with him first and then come offer your sacrifices to God (Matthew 5:23-24).  I believe it is imperative to examine our hearts and relationships.  Making sure there is no bitterness or hatred but only love.  When we do make mistakes and hurt others, we should be quick to hold ourselves accountable to the ones we hurt and also to the Father.  Likewise, when others hurt us we should be quick to forgive those who wrong us.
 In this circumstance I have soberly examined the situation and my heart and I know that I handled it the wisest way that I could but still that other person is angry with me.  Angry to the point of hating me, slandering my name and accusing me of all sorts of things that I know I am not guilty of.   I know that everything that I have done has been out of love and a desire to help.  I have peace in that. However, this past week I have felt this broad and confusing feeling of guilt.  As I sit at the feet of Jesus and place these feelings before him, He clearly reminds me of who it is that is accusing me. He isn't named the "Accuser" for nothing.  Jesus also reminds me that I stand guilt free in the shadow of His cross.  I am by NO means perfect.  I am reminded daily of this wretched flesh that I carry around with me.  But I know that in this specific situation that I have spoken truth.  That I have loved.  That I have been prayerful about my decisions.  In these things I rest.  Christ Jesus said "Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you and spurn your name as evil, on account of the Son of Man!  Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven; for so their fathers did to the prophets."  The Accuser has been trying to steal my joy.  Does this situation hurt my heart? Yes.  Does it destroy me? Never.  Satan has tried for years to destroy me through the acts of others.  But what he needs to realize is those beautiful nail scared hands hold this woman's heart and there is NOTHING that can snatch me out of them (John 10:28)!  Covered by the blood of Jesus I stand innocent and free!
Revelation 12:10-11
'And I heard a loud voice in heaven saying, " Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God.  And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death."'

all this I will testify

I have looked evil in the eye and experienced the power in the name of Jesus
I have felt His loving arms of comfort wrap around me in my darkest hour
My heart has felt His healing hands weaving together the brokeness to create a beautiful masterpiece
I have heard His sweet voice whisper His truths into my heart when I was filled with doubt and despair
His hands bear the imprint of mine as He has held me so tightly throughout my time here (Isaiah 49:16)
I have felt His mighty arm lift me up to supply all strength to face trials that I never thought I could endure
I have felt the outpouring of His compassion and grace that has covered all my failures
I have stood on the faith He has placed in my heart to trust in Him alone
I have been struck down but by His mighty power NEVER am I destroyed
I have seen evil flee at His very name
I was a captive that He set free
I have felt His love cover me as He calls me child
I have felt His gentle hand wipe away my tears
He has filled me in abundance where I have experienced loss
I have felt His arms lift me high and carry me when these legs couldn't bare anymore
I have felt His joy in the dark
I have heard His voice calling, drawing this wandering heart back home
I have felt His fiery passion burn intensely within me

All this I will testify to.  I will never be silent for I know the One who calls me daughter and He alone is worthy.  No one or nothing can take this away.  I am humbled and thankful for every trial, every slap in my face, every back turned to me, every pierce of my heart, every time I have stumbled.  It is through all of these things that I can testify to who He is.  He is writing a beautiful story of rescue and redemption all for His glory.  I am overwhelmed with thankfulness that He has called me daughter. 

I am my beloveds and He is mine.

out of the drought, swimming in the living water!

Phew.  Where do I begin?  My intentions of writing this blog is to build an "alter" in remembrance of the journey I just walked.
Over the past two months (I'm guesstimating b/c its felt like months and months), I have struggled in desperation to understand the hole I have felt in my heart.  I have been so extremely blessed to have such an intimate relationship with Jesus.  I could never put into words the bond and the closeness that I have walked in with Him, especially over the past six years. He is my most intimate and best friend.  I just cant possibly put it into words.  Trying to do so leaves me scratching my head in frustration.  But I will say that I have felt His presence constantly in my day to day. Only on my face at His feet am I most vulnerable and raw.  I have known nothing else in my life.  There was a period of time in my adolescence where I walked in disobedience and boy did I suffer the consequences.  I could almost hear him saying "Child what are you doing? STOP IT!".  I finally did and never looked back.  Over the past few months its like that was gone.  The love for Him was still very much there and I knew he heard my prayers because His Word says so.  It has been a season where I felt He was nowhere to be found, yet I knew He was there if that makes any sense.  I examined my heart for unconfessed sin, I wondered if it was pregnancy hormones, I pleaded with Him to show me what it was so that I could confess, repent and feel His presence again.  I was left standing in a desert dying of thirst for Him, but could not find Him.  After I wasn't convicted of any unconfessed sin, I just said "This is when I have to stand on the truth, even when I don't feel it and trust that whatever this is will pass".  So I struggled through my prayers and reading His Word.  I felt like when I would go sit at the familiar feet of the one I know so well, its like He was so far and as if I didn't even know Him.  I have been so extremely frustrated.  It felt like the biggest part of me was gone. 
Tonight while I was taking a bath, I started thinking about all of these very knowledgeable and wise people.  Those that other Christians quote.  Those that stand in pulpits and bring the truth and write these books that everyone talks about.  I can often feel so inferior and insecure about my knowledge of the scripture in the shadow of these people.  And then it happened. I heard that sweet voice that I have longed to hear for months now.  "You know me and I am all you need." 2 Corinthians 10:12 says "...But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding."  THANK YOU JESUS!  I realized that I had allowed myself to sink into an insecurity about all that I am not instead of resting in all that I am in Christ.  All of these materials are wonderful and so helpful in study, but we must not lose our first love and that is knowing and seeking the heart of Jesus.  At that moment its like His presence came flooding back and I immediately began to weep.  It was as though I was seeing my love that I had been apart from and missed so desperately.  Satan is crafty and slick, he studies us and is waiting for his opportunity to devour.  He knows that I recognize his voice when it is loud, but he had been whispering these lies to me for a while that has bred this insecurity that I had been walking in of who I was in Jesus.  Get the behind me!  He may be crafty but my GOD is FAITHFUL and His Word says NEVER will He leave me nor forsake me!  And He loves me too much to not speak that truth into me when He sees me struggling.  He is so good!
I was also reminded of the prayers that I prayed right before this disconnect happened.  I pleaded with the Lord to break my heart for his lost children.  In my life, I don't ever remember not knowing the Lord.  Although that is such a blessing, it has also made it difficult for me to sympathize with those who are lost.  I just don't get it.  I wanted that to change and knew that it needed to if I was ever going to be obedient in the great commission.  I believe with all my heart that by him allowing me to feel his absence, was an answer to that prayer.  I cannot imagine living life with an emptiness like that.  I know He was still with me b/c his word says that. However, I do believe he allowed me to feel like he wasn't to create in me a deeper compassion for those who walk in that emptiness.  I am so thankful that He answered that prayer.  I am so thankful He is back and like a child I am clinging with white knuckles to him.  I said aloud "Don't EVER do that again, please" lol.  Like one who has thirsted for months, I finally tasted the living water again.  If you are walking in that emptiness, I plead with you please please please call to Him.  There is no one or nothing like sweet Jesus.  Thank you Lord for loving this sheep to refine my heart and never let me out of your sight.  You have my heart forever.

John 6- Sovereignty

John 6

One could write books and books on all of the treasures found in John, chapter six.  It opens with Jesus feeding the five thousand, next scene is Jesus walking on water, and it ends with Christ’s riveting teaching on the bread of life which leads to the turning away of many of his disciples.  This chapter of John continuously echoes the sovereignty of God.

Sovereignty is something that many struggle with and has recently become a ‘hot topic’ in the church today.  The truth of it is this word makes people uncomfortable because we try to fit infinite, omniscient God into a pretty little box with a bow on it.  Make no mistake, He cannot be contained.  

In the portion of scripture where Jesus feeds the five thousand, Jesus asked Philip “Where are we to buy bread, so that these people may eat?”  Verse 6 says “He said this to test him, for he himself knew what he would do.”  I love this scene!  I am so thankful that our King has a sense of humor.  Just like Jesus knew how he was going to feed five thousand men, he also knew that Philip was going to look at him like he was crazy when he asked him this question.  I’m sure Jesus got a little chuckle and had somewhat of a winking “watch this” look about him when he then told his disciples to have the people sit down.   You see, it did not catch Jesus by surprise when he had five thousand extra mouths to feed that day.  After all, he was the same God who rained manna from heaven all those years before.  He is the same God who had provided food for those folks every other day of their lives.  Just as this did not catch Christ by surprise, nor do any of the trials that we face.  They may catch us by surprise, but God knows every single hiccup or catastrophe that we have faced and will face.  The book of Job shows us that as His children, all of those attacks have to go through him first and beloved, know that if He allows it, you better believe He will show himself faithful to carry you through it for His glory!

After the feeding of the five thousand, Jesus withdrew to the mountain by himself.  It says that evening, his disciples got into a boat and started across the sea to Capernaum.  Now, reading this I thought ‘’Why did his disciples leave him? That wasn’t very nice!  These are supposed to be his ‘boys’’’ In Matthews account it says that Jesus made the disciples go before him in the boat (Matt 14:22).  Okay, this made more sense to me now.  Once again, He had this planned all along.  Later that night Jesus comes walking up to them on the water to show He is in fact God’s Son.  I can just imagine those disciple’s faces.  In all the time they had spent in a boat, never had they had something like this happen!  I love how every single detail and instance of the miracles in Jesus’ ministry were planned before time.  The sovereignty of God is so cool yet so overwhelming to try to grasp.

The next portion of scripture we see Jesus teaching the crowds that He is the Bread of Life. Jesus speaks of the sovereignty of God when He says “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst…. All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.” And “This is the will of him who sent me,  that I should lose nothing of all that he has given me, but raise it up on the last day”.  And again when He says “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him”.  Verse 64 says “There are some of you who do not believe. (For Jesus knew from the beginning who those were who did not believe, and who it was who would betray him.)  And he said, ‘This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted him by the Father.’”  The truth is that we cannot even desire God on our own.  That desire, that draw alone comes from the Father because He knows those who are His before the creation of the world.  We cannot boast in anything but Christ alone.  This makes many uncomfortable when you look at the flip side of this truth and think ‘Why did God make those who are not his?’ you can also ask the question ‘Why did God create Judas?’  Judas still had a purpose, but Judas didn’t belong to God.   We cannot try to understand the mind of God with the mind of man and when we seek to do so is when we get in trouble.  We should seek after His heart and seek to be transformed into His hearts likeness but we have to understand that God will never fit into our box.  He is omniscient and loving, gracious and merciful, He is God alone. Amen.

It is well

'saying,"Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me.  Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done." And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him.' Luke 22:42-43

These words jumped out at me as I opened the Word.  Seeing as though I just finished asking God, as He knows the outcome of the specific situation, to spare my heart if it was not ever to get better.  To spare my heart the pain that has ailed me my entire life.  I so desire to wrap it up, put a pretty bow on it and be done.  But God says no. I may not understand it entirely, but He has shown me that so much of the beauty He has made in my heart is a result of this pain.  He is using it to refine my heart of all  impurities and iniquities and for that I thank Him and welcome the storm.  Lord not my will, but yours, be done!  It's not wrong to want to be spared this pain, as Christ himself had that desire, but He was in full submission to the Father.  God did not spare Him, but He strengthened Him.  Because He didn't spare Him, I now can lift my head and hands in victory over these obstacles.  God may not spare my heart of this ongoing pain that haunts me, but He has given me strength to stand, strength to love, strength to forgive, victory over anger and I know there will come a day when I can finally put a bow on it and be done.  But I'm not home yet, and until then my heart will fully submit to His perfect will. 

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

our Christmas story.

This has been the best, most unconventional Christmas I ever had.  I started the Christmas season with the desire for it to be unlike any other.  We decided to take a Christmas vacation to Branson.  A quiet family trip in a beautiful cabin to explore God's lovely creation away from all the hustle and bustle.  Away from all the major distractions that have, in the past, kept me from focusing on the true meaning of Christmas.  About a month before our big adventure, I spent some time praying, asking God to make this Christmas unlike any other.  I sat at His feet with the desire for my sweet Jesus to show me what the real meaning of Christmas was.  Not what I had grown up thinking.  Not what the media and others tell me.  What does HE intend it to look like?  My heart wanted more.  I did what any other daughter would do, I asked Him to show me and of course He did because in case you didn't know, God is faithful!
I spent most of the month of December completely overwhelmed and stressed trying to get everyone a gift that I needed to give along with the benevolent projects we had going on.  Parties, shopping, baking, lists, my lists for lists on top of all my regular duties I have as a mother of two little ones and wife to my amazing husband is enough to drive this little lady to tears, and it did a few times.  I just felt overwhelmed and all I wanted to do was sit at Jesus' feet.  It's like I wanted so bad to be Mary but I was forced to be Martha.  I don't like Martha.  Martha stresses me out. lol. I couldn't wait until we left for our trip then I could catch my breath and finally get the much needed rest from the chaos that had been sucking my spirit dry. 
The day finally arrived!  The Weakly family arrived at our house Thursday afternoon (they are good friends of ours who had had enough too and joined the party).  We piled in and took off.  We stayed the night in Little Rock to break up the trip.  Friday morning we got up and were Branson bound!  We were all so excited.  The closer we got I began to see the beautiful hills (they are like mountains to this Louisiana girl) the more I could taste the freedom and rest that my heart had been longing for.  We arrived at the cabin safely and it was beautiful!  It was all decorated for Christmas.  I opened the door to the overwhelming smell of the beautiful pine walls.  It had cathedral ceilings all made of pine.  A huge stone fireplace separated two towering windows that overlooked a beautiful sloping hill filled with trees. The outside deck had a hot tub (which this larger than life pregnant lady was not going to be getting in).  It was wonderful!  I remember saying, "I'm not going to want to leave this place!".  This was camping, "Melissa style".  We started unpacking and I noticed after being in the cabin a little while my stomach started hurting but I chalked it up to pregnancy symptoms.  Krystal and I ventured off to the overpriced Country Mart for groceries for the week.  We left $160.00 poorer and headed back to the cabin.  When we returned, we walked down to the fire pit for s'mores (or snores as Elijah calls them :).  We returned to the cabin, frozen and ready for baths.  Each bathroom had a gigantic Jacuzzi tub in it.  I ran the kids a warm bubble bath that they swam in for a while and then it was mommy's turn!  I was shivering and blue from being so cold and when I get cold I have a hard time warming up.  Let's just say God predestined this girl to live in Louisiana for a purpose.  As much as I enjoy the cold weather, my body doesn't handle it well.  I went to get into the shower and it was freezing cold.  Apparently, the swimming pool that I let the kids bathe in used all the hot water.  So I jumped in and coached myself through it like a woman in labor or someone running a marathon.  I kept repeating, "You got this Melissa!  You can do this!".  I remember thinking "If anyone hears me they are going to think I am a loony toon."  But I was too cold to care and it got me through!  After watching the Nativity Story, it was time for bed.  I slept for about 2 hours and then awoke to major nausea and sharp stomach pains.  I went to the bathroom and threw up.  A couple hours later, same thing.  I was hurting so bad and was so weak.  I knew this wasn't pregnancy nausea and I also knew it wasn't a bug.  It was a completely different feeling.  Ive had this unique sickness before and it was always at my mother in laws house.  They have a beautiful house out in the country.  They built it a couple of years ago and she put white pine walls all throughout the house.  Sometimes when I would spend the night out there I would get this weird sickness.  We tried to narrow it down to figure out the cause but couldn't ever nail anything down.  As I laid there in the bed I remembered the first thing I said when I walked into our cabin, "this smells just like Sis and Buck house!".  So after a night of vomiting and stomach spasms we have come to the conclusion that I have some sort of weird allergy to cut pine. 
Jared had a bunch of points at the Holiday Inn Express so after much discussion, we packed up and went to the hotel.  I spent the whole day of Christmas eve laid up, trying to feel better and riddled with guilt over our friends having to leave and spend their Christmas at the holiday inn because of me.  They were so great about it, two of the most unselfish people we know! 
The longer I was out of the cabin the better I felt.  We went and rode through Branson's Trail of Lights and then back to the hotel for bed.  Early Christmas morning my eyes popped open at 7 am.  I knew that the Lord had woke me and felt Him pressing on my heart that He had something to tell me.  So I layed there and waited.  He brought to my mind my city.  Then I began thinking about my situation, what all I had planned and what actually transpired.  I started thinking of others who may be waking up in a holiday inn on Christmas morning but have no hope.  Then I heard His sweet soft voice say, "No matter where you are or what you are doing you have ME and I am the hope of Christmas.  That is what I want you to share with others."  I have heard Jesus was the hope of Christmas and understood it, but He had opened my eyes to it in such a fresh new way.  I throw gifts at people with no hope during this time, desiring to bring a little smile to their faces but what they need is a joy that doesn't disappear with the trees and lights.  A hope that is far above this world.  This world needs JESUS!  I asked the Lord to show me how this looks lived out and I immediately thought of those sick spending Christmas in the hospital. We are going to pray about next year visiting the hospitals, bringing them some goodies and the real hope of Christmas. 
I have made Christmas all about me.  Even when I desired to get away from that, I still painted a pretty picture of how I wanted Christmas with my family to look.  When all that was stripped away, I got exactly what my heart desired, Jesus.  A month before, as I sat at the feet of Jesus I told Him that all I wanted for Christmas was Him and at 7 am Christmas morning, He gave me the greatest Christmas gift I have ever recieved.  Christmas will never be the same. 
We got up and went to breakfast at Denny's then walked some trails overlooking God's beautiful creation before heading home that afternoon.  All I can say is "Thank you God for a Christmas I will never forget"!  I am so thankful for the Lord's faithfulness.  He loves us too much to leave us in the same place.  My greatest gift isnt the material things I acquire nor is it my family (even though my precious family is absolutely second).  My greatest gift and their greatest gift is Jesus because in Him alone is hope.  In Him alone is life.  Everything else could be taken from me in a second but noone or nothing can ever take away my Jesus!  He is my treasure! Merry CHRISTmas! :)

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

strength in worship

After a long day today, I sat in my tub soaking all of the aches away listening to some Chris Tomlin.  The song "How can I keep from singing?" came on and the Holy Spirit reminded me of one of the many times in my life where God showed himself faithful.

I was 16 years old and was excitedly planning a month long mission trip to Peru that coming summer with Teen Mania Ministries.  It was a sunny Wednesday afternoon and I had just got out of school for the day.  I went to my grandparents house to hang out until it was time to go to youth group at 6:00 that night.  I remember this day like it was five minutes ago.  I walked through their door and said hey to my grandmommy who was standing at the sink (as she usually is).  She greeted me with a soft "hello".  I could tell that something wasn't right.  She then asked me if I had talked to my Dad and  I responded with a "no ma'am".  She then said "You need to go home sweetie..".  Well of course this prompted a hundred questions. I knew something bad must have happened because my family has had it's share of major issues and my Grandmother never acted like this.  About that time my D-Daddy who was sitting in his chair in the den said "Come in here sugar".  So I walked to the den as my grandmommy followed.  D-daddy told me that I needed to sit down, that he had something to tell me.  Grandmommy quickly said "Now Dan, Steve (my dad) said he wanted to tell her!"  My D-daddy quickly persisted with "Now Evelyn, that ain't right to scare this youngin' and make her wait and wonder what's going on!  I'm tellin' her!"  (lol anyone who knows these two will chuckle in reminiscence of many conversations that went on this way).  So I sat on their couch and my D-Daddy looked at me and said "Sweetie, your mamma's got cancer and they have given her 6 months to live, you need to go on home and talk to your daddy". That wasn't what I was expecting to here.  "Your mother has overdosed",yes,  but not this, this was not at all on my radar.  So I gave hugs, told my grandparents bye and headed home.

As I drove down Barksdale Blvd., I remember crying and praying, thanking God for every day that I had with my mom and pleading for her salvation.  As I approached the water tower, I remember singing with one hand on the wheel and one hand in the air.   When my life took a devastating turn all I could do was worship.  I remember singing to the top of my lungs of God's faithfulness through my tears and being surprised at my reaction.  Being a dreamer, I had thought of what my reaction would be if I had ever received news like this and never in my dreams was it worship but at that moment that is what seemed so natural and that is what gave me strength.  Declaring through my tears, "God you are good and you are faithful and I know that you have brought me through all of these other trials and you will carry me through this!".  I remember being shocked at my reaction.  I believe with all of my heart that this wasn't at all me.  This was the Holy Spirit leading me and carrying me, showing me how to deal with devastation.  He is faithful, He is good and He did carry me through those difficult months.

When I got home, my dad was sitting in his chair and was talking to my mom on the phone.  This was unusual because they were divorced and not buddies to say the least.  My dad handed me the phone and I heard my mother sobbing.  She persisted to tell me that she had cancer and the doctors gave her six months at the most.

In my immaturity and without prayer, I cancelled my trip to Peru because I felt my mission was to spend every minute I could ministering to my mother.  She is a beautiful woman but a broken one who has battled the demon in the bottle for as long as I can remember.  I spent the next four months driving across town to visit her everyday after school.  I would come in to find her unconscious bathed in a stench.  I would rub her hair and tell her that I loved her.
After four months of this, I got a phone call from my brother.  He said that mom had overdosed on pills and they took her to LSU.  He said he brought her in and told them her name and that she was a cancer patient there.  They had no record of her being there since 1985.  Come to find out the whole thing was a lie.  Of course the family was furious at her, myself included.  But soon after the Lord graced me with the understanding and forgiveness for her.  My mother had just lost her dad to cancer and who knows if she really believed she had it or not but I believe she was wrenched with loneliness and just wanted to see if anyone cared.  I learned a lot through that season.  God showed me His strength and grace and the power of worship.  He also taught me that I need not make hasty decisions but pray earnestly. 

Since then, I have had other devastations come my way and He has been there through every single one of them.  Things that I feared the most become my reality and He held me through them all.  I know that my trials are far from over but with hands raised and heart humbled I will declare God Your are good, You are faithful and You will overcome!