another facet of grace

The Word says that it's not by the work of man but by grace we are saved. (Ephesians 2:8) It is a gift that cannot be earned.  This is something that God has revealed to me in the past but in the recent days, He has enlightened me to a whole new facet of this truth. 
I am a stay at home mommy of two precious gifts of God.  I am living my dream.  This is what I have always wanted to be and I am so greatly appreciative that God has allowed me to be home with these kiddos.  That being said, being a mom is quite exhausting and time consuming.  You are in high-demand.  Halle has been such a light to our lives.  She is hilarious and precious and I already see that the Lord has answered my prayers and has blessed us with such a special mother-daughter relationship and bond.  Her strong attachment to me has been so extremely demanding.  This is not a complaint because as I said, this is an answered prayer, but this has left me in a struggle, over the past year, to get in a solid routine to spend time studying the Word and in prayer.  I am a scheduled person.  I like routine.  Well Halle doesn't lol. I used to do it every day, at the same time, when Elijah napped.  Well I tried that with Halle... she would throw a fit.  I tried getting up at 5 am.  This worked for a couple of weeks until she started waking up with me. Ha! Its like she can sense when I am awake! 
I finally just went before the Lord with my frustration.  In the past, I would condemn myself if I missed a day of my study time.  I would feel distant from God... like He was mad at me or something.  He showed me it is not about what I DO.  He freed me from the sick cycle of the spiritual highs and lows caused by self-condemnation and showed me how to rest in Him and who I am in Christ.  Since then my life and walk has changed dramatically. He unravelled a condemning message of works and "earn your salvation" that I had been fed all my life... but I wont go into that.. another day... another sermon lol.
Well over the past few weeks I have been so extremely busy.. there have been a few days where I said "Wow God, thank you so much... You allowed me to get all this stuff done in one day.. where my hours didn't match my accomplishments..."  I have been grabbing time in the Word whenever I get a quiet second.. this may be 5 minutes or 20 minutes... or maybe no reading at all... but I have started my day mindful of Him.. asking Him to live through me.. truly dieing to myself and asking the Spirit to live through me for the day... acknowledging that I cant be the wife, mom, friend that I desire to be unless He does. 
This is what I have found... despite how crazy my schedule is... I have remained so close and steadfast in Him.  I am so extremely in love and captivated my Jesus.  Its become less about scheduling and more about remaining in Christ... the revelations of God and the blessings of communion with Him is just that a blessing... a gift.. which we have because of who we are in Christ!  Not because of what I do (with the exception of unconfessed sin)... which leads me to this... once again I find another ritualistic check box that I have been a slave to.. Its not how much I "study" its about remaining in Him.  In no way am I down playing the utmost importance of saturating yourself in the Word ... I am just saying that doesn't save you.. beware of the boxes you check!  This is a passage that the Lord has continuously led me to over the past few weeks and I didn't really understand why until now... I have committed myself to memorize this and more importantly LIVE IT!
John 15: 1-5
I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.  He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit, He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.  You are already clean because of the word I have spoke to you.  Remain in me, as I also remain in you.  No branch can bear fruit by itself, it must remain in the vine.  Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.  "I am the vine, you are the branches.  If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit;  apart from me you can do nothing."