2 reminders in the tears of the passing years: off to kindergarten!

Today I sent my second child and only girl off to kindergarten. Today marked the beginning of a new season in her little life and as well as her mama's. Hallelujah Noelle has been such a joy to me. I remember the day I was looking out the window of my bedroom talking to the Father. I asked him, if He saw fit, to please bless me with a little girl. I couldnt have asked or dreamed for one as precious as my Halle girl. 

I love being a mom. Growing up, everyone had their dreams, this was mine. I wanted to be a mom. I have loved every second of it. Even the hard, frustrating and exhausting parts. I think that's why it is hard for me to come to terms with the fact that it is going by so fast. I just know that I am going to blink and just like that they will be gone. But that's the whole point right? To love them, disciple them in Jesus and then send them out. I guess I just didn't anticipate it going so fast. I know that before I know it, my living room won't be filled with blocks and trucks and massive baby gear.

 It will be clean and quiet and I will have my time, thoughts and hopefully sanity back. I guess that should make me happy right? But instead it makes me so incredibly sad/happy, we will just call it sappy- perfect. Sad for it to be over, happy to watch them follow the path the Lord has laid out for them. 

Needless to say, beginning this new chapter has caused my heart to reflect on a few things. First thing is my kids are not my world. They are not what I worship. I love them. I fight for them. I enjoy them. But I do not worship them. Our culture is more kid-obsessed than ever before. So much to the point that if you choose not to play a gazillion sports by the time they are eating solids or spend a gazillion dollars on birthday parties that are "pin worthy" then your parenting is deemed all but stellar. Our culture worships kids. If we place our sole identity as being a parent, if we place our children on the throne of our hearts then what happens when our kids leave the nest? What happens when they fail us? What happens when they battle a life threatening illness or are taken suddenly? To place our children on the throne of our hearts is idolatry. That throne is reserved for the only one who upholds all things. He is never changing and steadfast. He has promised to never leave us or forsake us. He alone satisfies our hearts and is our only source of true joy. Everything else is a shadow- He alone is the substance. So as I send my kids off one by one, I will give thanks for the precious years given and I will hold steadfast to the hope of eternity with the one who holds my heart. 

The second thing that I have been reminded of is the beauty in the day to day. Every minute counts. I want to make the most of every opportunity in pointing them to Jesus. I only have a few years. Those moments when I am tempted to believe that there is no point or no end to the constant laundry, messes, refereeing and discipline, I have to remember, there will be an end to these things and it's not what I'm doing that matters it's the "how", in how I do them. I must do all these things giving thanks to God for his glory. The days of toys, peed in bedsheets, fishing Barbie shoes out of the potty with diarrhea in it (yes..that was last Sunday) will be gone. What legacy will I leave? It's the "how" I love in the mundane that leaves a lasting footprint on this next generation of world changers. To show grace and patience in the small things speaks more to their hearts than planning big parties or buying more toys. To take the time to discipline in love speaks more loudly than raising our voices in anger. Oh Lord, please empower me by your spirit to walk in a manner worthy of this calling! He is a good good Father! Abide in Him dear ones! This mom stuff is tough business, but it is a beautiful calling! ❤️

38 weeks crazy

I love being a mom. It is one of the greatest blessings that God has given me. None the less days like today are hard. I'm 38 weeks pregnant, fighting off a cold along with my two littles and working on little sleep. Everyone keeps asking me how I feel. Honestly, like a big bag of beat up hormones, toting an extra 50 around (don't judge me, I crave peanut butter okay!). After picking up Elijah from school I had to go to Target. Nothing inside me wanted to but our pantry looked like a ghost town and I had to get more medicine for the littles so it was necessary. Of course we enter to the strategically placed "dollar spot" which automatically activates the "wanters" in all of my kids. From then on its a barrage of questions. "Can we get a toy?" "Please can we get this ninja turtle movie?! We don't have this one!" "Can we get these infinity characters?! They are new!" " Can we get these fruit bars? They are healthy because they have a picture of a strawberry on them!" Etc. I don't like telling my kids no. I would love to say yes to everything but the only problem with that is we have limited funds and that would create ridiculous monsters. 

The fact is we say yes a lot, much more than we say to ourselves. I try to explain that my 'no' to whatever they are asking for is really a 'yes' to their heart and what is best for them. Hopefully, if we say this enough they will start to actually believe it. At this point they just continue to want. 

We made our way around the store and by this point I had one laid out in the middle of the isle like a dead person talking about how exhausted she was, another was in the buggy and the other was continuing to pull items from shelves bringing them before me for approval. Finally, after the 100th time of me having to say "not today", I heard a "you always say no". Okay. This incites my flesh so quickly. I'm thinking "Seriously kid?! You have no idea the sacrifices your daddy and I make for yall! Not to mention the two blue ray movies yall just got for Valentine's Day! Seriously?!" Thankfully I didn't vomit all this onto them right there. I did however tell them that shows mom that they don't appreciate the things that they have or the sacrifices mom and dad make for them... As well as "I'm about to beat every one of my kids right here in the middle of target, yall better pray to Jesus because it's about to go down, Lord Jesus help me!" 

God heard our prayers and we made it out $120 poorer, no injuries and no toys. As we pulled in the driveway I had never been more happy to see Luke standing in the driveway. I helped unload groceries and then went to shut myself in my bathroom and rant to the Lord. 

I am so thankful that I can come just as I am. Empty with no patience, no physical strength, completely wrung out and He's there. As I prayed confessing how frustrated I am that I feel like as a mom I completely pour myself out in service only to recieve complaints and more wants, like they are never content or satisfied with what they have. They don't see the blessings they already have, they just are looking at what's the next thing they want. As this is coming out of my mouth, I see myself in my kids. I see how often I have missed contentment in a circumstance in seeking the "what's next". My heart is grieved by that. I want this mouth to always give thanks no matter what the circumstance and not only be thankful, but be content. You can be thankful but not completely content. For example, I am super thankful to be carrying this sweet baby in my womb, but I'm fighting to be content and not trying to rush to his birthday because I feel like a 40lb sausage packed in a 20lb casing. 

As I began to open my mouth and give thanks for all of the blessings he's given me, even the hard days, I felt my heart break free. It's because his word is true. 1 Thesselonians 5:18 says "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." That is our weapon for discontentment. That's our weapon for frustration and exhaustion. Let our mouths continually give thanks in all circumstances. When our kids are going bananas, when people talk behind our backs, when loved ones disappoint us. Give thanks, because no matter what the circumstance, if He's allowed it in our path He's using it for our good. He's a good Father and we can know with confidence that even his 'no' is really 'yes' to what is best. 

So the next time you are tempted to fall into the pit of self-pity and frustration. Open your mouth and give thanks! He's faithful to deliver! 

The cherry on top

Be warned. I'm not sure where this blog post is going, I just feel compelled to write so buckle up. 

It's Christmas time again. I love Christmas. I. Love. Christmas. It's purpose is to slow down and center our hearts on how amazingly awesome our God is, His magnificent rescue plan in sending Jesus wielding the sword of grace, piercing through the ugly heart of sin's master, satan. 

Last year we celebrated Christmas and rang in the new year sporting the swine flu. That was loads of fun. I remember sitting in my bath tub trying to cry but couldn't really because it hurt so bad, and by it I mean everything. I was desperate for the Lord to bring healing to our whole family. I was reminded just how weak I am. How apart from His power I crumble. I was reminded of the grace he gives of being well every day. I over look that often. 

Fast forward a year later and I'm pretty sure my sweet Halle is fighting the flu. Again. I began reflecting on the year in between our two flu experiences and let me just say, it's been a tough year. It's been hard. Not in a "poor-pitiful-me way", but in a "Wow, He has walked us through some fires" way. 

As I sit here today these are the circumstances: I am 7 months pregnant with our 4th (thank you Lord), Luke has roughly 3 weeks to find another job which may or may not require a move, I don't know where we will live, where we will work, where I will give birth, where my oldest two will go to school. My baby girl has the flu and apparently the majority of our extended family views us as self-righteous zealots. 

These circumstances pale in comparison to many others, but none the less, they are trying. Here is the craziest part of all of this: grace. I have never before felt so stripped, so low, so needy, so humbled in all my life. Yet there is joy. I have never been more confused and unsure of how this is all going to play out. Yet, there is peace. I have never before felt like every door we try to step towards gets slammed in our face. Yet, there is faith. All of these are gifts that make up the greatest gift we have as believers. Knowing Jesus. There is nothing else. We can strive, we can make a great plan, we can try our best to nail it but eventually this broken world happens and it will fail you. That place of "stripped bare" is where real freedom begins. It's here where all the talk of "Jesus is enough" becomes real. You can believe something with your mind, but until he walks you through it, your heart can't truly know it. 

The beautiful part in all of this is we get more of Him. As the room gets colder and colder, we draw nearer and nearer to the fire. That is what this Christian Faith is about. It's not about keeping rules (praise God otherwise I woulda set sail long ago). It's at our weakest point, when our heart fail us, we cry out as longing children, desperate for our rescuer to help us- and He is FAITHFUL. Grace. It's all about His scandalous grace towards a weak, jacked up people that He cleanses and calls His own. 

Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, it is well, it is well, with my soul. Just as long as I'm yours oh God, there is nothing else I need, there is nothing else this soul longs for. 

I can't afford "me time"

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Philippians 2:1-11 ESV)

"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

These two sentences could not be more opposing to the world we live in today or the messages our brains are fed by the second. 

Humility. Our flesh rails against her. The world despises her. True treasure and joy is found in her. Christ's life is the ultimate example of humility. The King and Creator of all, left heaven to be poured out to the point of death and then life. 

As a 29 year old woman, wife, mom that lives in suburbia, I am constantly told through my flesh and the world "you just need more 'me' time", as well as "do something for yourself". Our culture is saturated with these messages. I hear it just as much in the church as in the world. It's a sneaky lie that we have bought into. Those messages are directly opposing to scripture and the life of Jesus. 

The truth is our lives should be poured out just like Christ's, completely humbled to the service of The Lord Jesus, serving and loving our brothers and sisters, dedicated to the church, whatever the cost. I can hear some that would say "yes, but you must take time for yourself." My response to that is this: Jesus retreated to be with the Father, to rest and hear from God. He didn't go to have "me time". For the believer, "Me time" will leave you just as empty and burned out than you were before. We don't need more "me time", we need more "Jesus time" and no one seems to want to say that. We want to have our cake and eat it to. We want to be a "Christian" but don't want the sacrifices that come with it. I have lived both and I will testify that I have never felt more refreshed, exhilarated and alive than when I am living sacrificially. Whether that is changing diapers, shepherding hearts, cooking meals, scrubbing toilets, watching kids or staying up late talking to a friend in need of encouragement. I know this truth. I've lived this truth and yet my flesh still fights against living sacrificially. It's never easy, but the reward is more of Him and abundant joy.

The Christian will not find rest in 'me time', vacations or hobbies. True rest is found in Christ alone. Sitting at the feet of our beloved King. His Spirit gives life, rest, peace and joy no matter how chaotic the circumstances. 

What would the church look like if we all laid down our possessions, time and strength at the feet of Jesus and served the way the King did? What if we woke up each day pursuing the heart of Jesus in hunting ways to put others before ourselves. Even when we are driving down the road in traffic (Lord help us all). We are called to a life of servant-hood. We must truly die to ourselves, our agendas and live for Him. The promise for those who die with Him, will be raised with Him. He is worth it all. 

Momma's, I know it's hard. The days are long, the laundry is mountainous, the needs are endless. But believe me when I say, no amount of trips to the spa (although nice) will give you the strength you need in order to live out the ministry as "Mom". The call to shepherd these little hearts is a high calling. It is Kingdom work and it matters! The Lord is faithful to provide us the wisdom and strength to minister to these little disciples! But make no mistake, it is found in him alone. So if you are worn out and burned out, lacking joy in parenthood, let me encourage you to say no to 'me time' and say yes to 'Jesus time'. Press into the Father and he will renew your strength! 

Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep. Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. (Psalm 127:1-5 ESV)

Dear Melissa,

Dear Melissa,

This is letter from you, a reminder of truth on the thorny days. On the days that you blow it, when you completely drop the ball. On the days that the enemies lies are swirling and you are being bombarded at every turn. When he is telling you that you are a failure, you're stupid, you're ugly, you have no self control, you are lazy, you are failing as a mother, you are not measuring up... This is the truth...

You are more than a conqueror through CHRIST JESUS. He has proven that over and over and over again. Those things are true about Melissa without Jesus, but the truth is Melissa is no more. You have a new identity as you identify with Christ in death, you also identify in His life. A life that is not about you, although your flesh, the world and the enemy is constantly telling you that it is. This is the reality of who you are. HE that is in you is greater than he that is in the world. He has brought you through immense adversity since taking your first breath in this world. He has walked you through fire and you have come out stronger and more sanctified, Praise His name! There is no limit to what the Holy Spirit can do through you, for His kingdom and glory. Live in that, rest in that. 

Let me remind you of just a few things He has done...

Freed you from generational curses

Protected you from yourself

Protected you from abuse

Freed you from bondage

Gave Strength through the darkest of days

Supplied a home when there was none

Saved your husband 

Saved your marriage

Given you children and a heritage to leave

Empowered to give birth naturally

Supplied strength to push your body beyond your physical strength

Gave patience on days that it seemed everything was crashing down

There is countless more and he is still working!

Do not believe the lies of the enemy! You are not gonna nail it every time, but thank God through the power of the cross your salvation, sanctification and identity does not rely on you. Let Him work, walk in the freedom of grace, walk in the power of the Holy Spirit and shut the enemies lies up with the truth of the Word! 

Much love, me 

False identities

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4 ESV)

I am feeling the weighty truth of this passage today.Thankfully, I am not battling a terminal illness (aside from this body of death), thankfully my marriage is healthy and vibrant and I am not facing a circumstantial disaster. No, I am not facing any of these, but oftentimes trials can come straight from the battlefeild of the mind, and that is exactly where mine has been over these past few days.

God has been working in a mighty way in my walk with Him. I have experienced an immense season of growth. It's been painfully beautiful and rewarding. It's been a very sweet time with my Lord. True to form, satan usually plans an attack right on the heels of a spiritual growth spurt and this week has been no exception. I have struggled over the past three days with my attitude, feelings of being overwhelmed, frustrations and just over all blah. At first I thought this was a result of me planning a Pinterest style birthday party for Halle coupled with starting a diet (that right there is enough to push anyone over the edge) but as I have prayed and sought The Lord on the how and why I went from sweet spot to funky town, I don't at all think it has to do with my circumstances or schedule and everything to do with distractions and chasing false identity. 

During this season of growth, The Lord has been ripping out false identities from my heart and firmly planting the truth of who He says that I am. I have never felt more firm and free. He has used so many different scenarios to do this, one being the move here to Dallas. I love living here. I can't say enough how thankful I am and how nice it is. It is, however a snake pit of spandex and educated luxury. I don't hate spandex. I don't hate education or luxury, I just don't identify with it, yet my flesh and the enemy is constantly telling me that if I don't, I'm less than. Lie. Lie. Lie. 

Ok so first there is the spandex. What I mean by this is a lot of women in this area are perfectly toned, organic organisms and it's easy for my flesh to see these women and covet what that they have. I find myself thinking "I need to get myself in gear". As if, once I attained the status of "O toned one" I would feel fulfilled. The truth is I am completed fulfilled in Jesus and there is nothing lacking. Any workout or eating discipline that I submit to must only be under His Lordship and for His glory, otherwise it is idolatry and vanity. He is my all. He is my Lord. 

Second, there is the education thing. Well let's just be honest, I'm no scholar (I know shocker right? All I have to do is open my mouth for this to be evident) I didn't earn extra letters to follow my name, but that is not a mark against my identity. The only letters that matter are the ones tattooed on my forehead, that proclaim that I am set apart and sealed, belonging to The Lord God almighty. Any knowledge that I pursue, must be under His Lordship, for his glory, in pursuit of knowing Him more deeply and sharing the gospel with others, otherwise it's meaningless. 

Third, luxury, oh luxury. We have a love-hate relationship. I hate it because I see the emptiness to it and the trap that so many (including myself) easily fall into. It's not a sin to have nice things but sometimes I really think it would be less challenging if I had less. There is a constant heart check that has to take place, examining if my motives are God glorifying or self-glorifying. If I am giving enough, open hearted and open handed. There is so much temptation here to get carried away in spending. Lord let that not be so for our family!! There is so much excess and I am often a guilty partaker. But praise God for conviction! I am convinced this is an area that He is currently transforming in the hearts of our family. Case and point: our trips to target have been lived out to the soundtrack of "no's" instead of "yes'". Praise God for that, but we still have a long way to go!

All this to say over the past few days of new eating plans and Pinterest overload, I found my eyes shift from the beautiful face of my Jesus, to the crazy beckoning me by name. Every time I plan one of these parties, I beg Luke to never let me do it again. I love them, but they totally stress me out. It's a flipping four-year old birthday for crying out loud! Why am I anxious about this?!? I refuse to do this anymore. Sorry kids, from now on it's our little family at chuck e cheese and some presents. Pinterest, you're fired. And as for the whole diet thing (I hesitate to call it the D word), ahem "new eating plan" that's great. I'm a pretty healthy eater that just got a little jiggy with the late night sweets, trying to reign it in a little. Awesome. But allow me to make this statement after the past 5 days: breads/grains are a vital component of my diet and should not be abstained from unless by strong direction from The Lord. It is in the best interest of our entire family if someone tosses momma a cracker every now and then. Paleo shmaleo ... Jesus ate bread and so should I. 

Thank God for this sanctifying reminder that Jesus is always better. He is the only thing that fulfills me and the only one who allows me to walk this crazy life in peace. Anytime this adulterous heart should try to chase after any identity other than "daughter of the Most High", may he always remind me, no matter how painful, because he really is all I love and want. 

A whore no more

I read a quote today from pastor Mark Driscoll that read "Dear Christian, next time you are at a wedding and see the groom smiling at his bride remember that God loves you like that.” It has painted a picture in my mind that I just cannot get over. I begin to think back to my wedding day and the look on my grooms face as I walked down the aisle to become his wife. I love that picture. It is burned into my memory. But honestly there has always been a dark shadow of condemnation that lurks when I reflect on that day. You see, although I wore a dress that was beautiful and white, I secretly felt like a phony. I knew what I had done in my past and I felt like everyone else in that congregation knew as well. By the worlds standards I was no whore, but by Gods standard I was, and I knew it. I did not feel worthy to wear that white gown and to this day I have carried that regret in my heart. When I would attend weddings where I knew the bride had waited, I felt a punch in my gut. "If only I knew then what I know now" I would think. My heart, filled with regret, would find comfort in my forgiveness in Christ and be genuinely happy for the new couple but I still felt as though I was less than.  I knew that I was forgiven, but still chose to wear my Scarlett letter. 

As I meditate on the heart of the Father for his bride, I am overwhelmed. I see the image of the groom, face radiating with joy and love for his approaching bride. Pan over to the bride who is dressed beautifully in white-  in comes my shame- but then the Holy Spirit reminds me of His words in

Isaiah  61:10 

I will greatly rejoice in the Lord;
    my soul shall exult in my God,
for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation;
    he has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress,
    and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

And also 

Isaiah 1:18 

“Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord:
though your sins are like scarlet,
    they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red like crimson,
    they shall become like wool.

A whore, dirty, filthy dressed in rags, full of sin. He relentlessly sought her heart until He found her. He chose her to be His bride. Why you ask? Why would one who is perfect and pure choose such a disgusting person to be his bride? He deserves so much better. True He does and the fact that He chose her is not a testimony to anything His bride did to turn things around, or that his standards are not high, but that his love and grace is higher. He sold all that He had and paid the highest price for her beautiful white gown of perfection like none had ever been before. He cleaned her, washed her, and gave her a new name. On that final day, when she is presented to Him, there will be no dirt, no scarlet letters, just pure beauty. As she is paraded to Him, all eyes will look upon her beauty and marvel. Not at how amazing she is, but at the magnitude of mercy, grace and love of her groom. His glory will be fully displayed. 

I am that whore. Not only because of my choices previous to marriage, but because of my wicked heart that is so prone to wander off to worldly idols. My groom deserves so much better than me. But He has given me better to give to Him, in the righteousness purchased by the blood of Jesus. I am clothed in white, not because I earned it, but because He purchased it. I will walk the aisle confident in Him and proudly display the marvelous grace and love of my groom. I don't deserve this beautiful gown, but I will gladly wear it, knowing that my groom has made me beautiful and righteous through His blood and that He loves me. Not because I am great, but because He is great!